Lost Reactions vs. Loss Reactions

oxA young man presented me with a sheilah, a halachic question. He was in a situation where he was dealing with a death, but on technical halachic grounds, he was not required to engage in formal mourning for this loss of life. A rabbi had advised him that since there was no official mourning to observe, he and his wife should not mourn at all, but just get on with their lives. This perplexed him and knowing that the rabbi who advised him had no real background in addressing this type of question, he was advised to speak to me.

There are situations where, although a death has occurred, the halacha exempts people from the regular obligation to observe the laws and practices of mourning (shivah). However, there are still reactions in the form of feelings and thoughts and other sensations which cause deep sadness and pain in the bereaved persons. These reactions are generally automatic, and come from within a person’s compassion and from their shock. Trauma is a word that is used a lot, but it certainly does apply to sudden or unexpected loss. Losing a loved one under any circumstances is likely to evoke a process known as grief. Grief follows various trajectories in people, with several stages that can last for an indefinite amount of time and in whatever sequence their mind and heart follow. But grief happens, it is natural, and it is not something that a healthy person should try to stifle.

Imagine standing barefoot and someone drops a brick on your foot. Someone can lecture you before, during, and after the accident about not feeling the pain, but the pain exists; it is real; and the reactions to that pain will follow. Or imagine standing on a dark street when a sudden scream of terror bursts through the air. Someone can instruct you before, during, and after that bloodcurdling shriek that you should not be startled, that you should not gasp or feel your heartbeat quicken, but it will not matter. You feel. You react. That is natural and it is normal.

Loss of life under any circumstances is distressing, to say the least. Even when one has time to prepare for the passing of, for example, an elderly relative or an ill friend, when that moment comes, only the most rigid and hyper-composed person can shrug it off and move on. Whereas death is a “fact of life” and is a natural consequence when one’s time has come, facing the moment, the aftermath, and the impact over time elicits thoughts, feelings, memories, and other forms of a grief reaction. It is normal to grieve and go through the various stages of grief while mourning a loss. And while the Shulchan Aruch provides structure and guidelines about the rituals and practices of mourning, there is very little in those laws that deal with the subjective experience of processing grief and loss. It is very difficult to quantify grief in the way that halacha quantifies mourning, such as the timing, the length of time, the restrictions, and the responsibilities that make up the laws of mourning. However, we find scant attempts to quantify the form, nature, intensity level, and even the timeframe for grieving. It is for that reason that I assured this distraught man that he and his wife were having natural responses, normal reactions, and should not on any level attempt to suppress them, much less feel guilty about having them. We talked about facing those reactions and some steps to consider to show their support for each other and understanding as they faced this next chapter of their lives together.

Good grief! Of course, a person should experience sadness and grief, even when exempt from the official observance of aveilus. n

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.