Musings Of A Shliach From Montana

Charna Rochel and Zeesy during the surprise

Rebbetzin

I despise gossip, but occasionally I end up hearing things I wish I hadn’t.

A relative recently shared with me that a large Lubavitcher family was being torn apart by machlokes, family infighting. I was heartbroken. Even though I’m not related to them, I have always admired them as good people, people who do so much for Klal Yisrael, yet the plague of arrogance and power has clearly infiltrated their midst and who knows if it will ever be repaired.

It doesn’t matter if we scream that we’re fighting for G-d, for our Rebbe, or for our Rosh Yeshiva, it’s an unholy choice that is the antithesis of Torah values.

There’s a one-liner I read in Sefer Taamei HaMinhagim that was quipped back in the day. It’s kind of cute, humorous, and sadly true: “If the Aseres Hadibros, the Ten Commandments, had been written in the tzavah, the last will and testament of Rav Yehuda HaChassid, the Jewish world would be more scrupulous in observing them.” Rav Yehuda HaChassid was, of course, the famous German sage who gave interesting guidance on various aspects of Jewish life and his ideas were accepted as sacrosanct. Yet, in the Jewish world we tend to be more machmir, more scrupulous, about random customs and ideas like whether we should polish our shoes on the day we travel than we are about fundamental foundations of Torah.

We have misguided priorities.

In this week’s parashah, Yisro, we read about the giving of the Torah at Har Sinai. During those awe-inspiring moments, the Torah says, “Vayichan Sham Yisroel Neged Hahar.” Rashi teaches us that the Jews encamped near Sinai “Like one person with one heart.” There was unity at Har Sinai because to be chosen as Hashem’s nation, we had to be a nation, not just a group of fragmented people killing each other over stupidity.

To be a receptacle for Torah, for true devotion to Hashem and His values, we can’t be a broken vessel who doesn’t see the oneness of the Torah. In the story of Purim, when Haman asked the king for permission to annihilate the Jews, he said, “There is a nation that is spread out and divided across the kingdom.” As Chassidus explains, Haman wasn’t just saying the Jews were dispersed across the Persian Empire; he was saying that as a nation, we were divided, and when we’re divided, when we don’t see our Jewish family as one, the Hamans of the world cash in on it and know that we’re vulnerable.

We need to learn to work through our issues. We need to learn to recognize when things are ego-based and rectify the flawed character trait. We need to see where we’re being childish and not let it get in the way of our thought process and familial unity. I just heard Nachi Gordon chatting with some experts on Meaningful Minute about parental alienation in the frum world and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve dealt with it as a rabbi with secular Jews, but within the Torah world, how is that possible and so prevalent?

Years ago, I wrote an article in this column about addiction and the ability to overcome without the AA philosophy of calling it a “disease.” It was a while ago and I don’t remember the details, but it was based on some books and ideas that I was reading at the time and conversations with former AA members. I don’t claim to be a world expert, but I share ideas that show up in my life, and when writing thousands of articles over twenty-five years, it’s inevitable that we make mistakes. I don’t know if I was wrong about my thoughts on addiction, but someone who read it took it very personally and since then, I’ve received an anonymous letter in the mail every few months with different articles about how the addict doesn’t have any control over their disease/addiction. I love reading the articles that they send; I find them insightful and am always open to learning new things and to admit it when I’m wrong. Yet, I wish the anonymous sender would reach out to me directly so we can chat on the subject and perhaps I will learn many important points on the subject.

We shouldn’t be scared to talk about hard things, that’s how we all grow to be better, healthier human beings. Why can’t families celebrate simchos together or, chalilah, sit shiva together? Does it make sense that for decades over some ego foolishness, they remain alienated and forever divided? We are Jews, we are meant to excel in middos tovos, we are meant to be the most refined, the most balanced individuals on earth, not emotional basket cases who let everything get to us and are willing to destroy all the good in our lives and communities in the name of being “right” or defending our honor.

There are times when families need to consult mediators and psychologists to help them through the issues, but most of the time if we followed da’as Torah, looked into Torah and Chassidus, we’d find guidance to being a better mensch and thus have healthier relationships with others because we have a healthier relationship with ourselves.

At Chavie’s 40th birthday, celebrated in September of 2024, we gave a memento to all our guests, it was the book “Letters for Life: Guidance for Emotional Wellness from the Lubavitcher Rebbe” by Rabbi Levi Shmotkin which first published around that time. It’s a great book, taking from the thousands of letters written by the Rebbe, zt’l, about healthy ways to find emotional wellness. Much of the guidance is spiritual in nature, but lots of it is also practical guidance on human nature and how with more refined middos, we can save ourselves from our inner demons and live happier lives.

This past Shabbos, we hosted Rabbi Shmotkin in Bozeman, where he spoke at our Shabbos Kiddushlunch to about forty locals from our shul. He pointed to a situation in the 1950s where a brilliant Jewish student at Harvard was struggling with self-worth and ended up checking himself into a psychiatric unit because he was having thoughts of suicide. He had written a long letter to the Rebbe from the psychiatric facility and the Rebbe responded with a long letter which included these words: “You are much too wrapped up with yourself, with your own emotions and feeling and aspirations…You must get away from yourself and begin to think of others. It is time to begin an active participation in society; to give and give generously. The opportunities are many, and the need is great.” I don’t recommend we try being a Rebbe and speaking like only a Rebbe can, but the Rebbe was emphasizing to this struggling young man that human beings are givers and takers, we need both realities to function healthfully, and when we’re focused solely on “taking,” on our own needs, then we’re missing the “giving” part of the equation, the part that gives us balance. (As an aside, the fellow became a world-renowned professor who later attributed his success to the Rebbe, who lifted him out of his self-centered rut.)

We need to take time to think about others and show up in service of humanity. We need to focus on being a better family person, a better community person, and a giver to the world to unstick us from all our neediness. It can also help us to remove so much of the division and nastiness that we get sucked into as a result of being a full-time “taker.”

On that note, two weeks ago on Shabbos parashas Bo, Charna Rochel, Zeesy’s counselor from “Camp Simcha Special,” surprised her with a visit to Bozeman. I picked her up at the airport on Thursday night and on Friday she totally surprised Zeesy. Due to the winter storm in New York, she even spent an extra day in Bozeman. She didn’t have to do this, but she chose to do it during her winter break because she carries the incredible middos that is so visible in the staff at Camp Simcha and Camp HASC, where they don’t think about themselves all day, but rather what they can do to put a smile on the face of a child who’s struggling and may need the love.

This coming Monday, the 22nd of Shevat, is the 38th yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, wife of the Rebbe and daughter of the previous Rebbe. She was a majestic woman, and I’ve written about her before, but more than anything she was so refined, showing up with sensitivity and understanding to those she knew and to random Jews who needed care. She didn’t exude ego, as a “daughter of royalty,” but rather lived her life humbly and modestly, always in service of others and in support of her husband in his invaluable work for Klal Yisrael.

Once we stop thinking about our ego, we show up for others and save our families from the strife that is unkind, unhealthy, and very unJewish. 

Rabbi Chaim Bruk is co-CEO of Chabad Lubavitch of Montana and spiritual leader of The Shul of Bozeman. For comments or to partner in our holy work, e-mail [email protected] or visit JewishMontana.com/Donate.