Musings Of A Shliach From Montana

Rabbi Chaim, Menny, and Rabbi Mendel Backman at the Megillah reading after the fast

Purim in Bozeman was epic. It wasn’t just that 35 Jews came together after Ta’anis Esther to hear theMegillah and that over 100 Yidden joined for Purim in the World Cup, it was the vibe and spirit that permeated the entire holiday. The avir, the atmosphere, was one of Jewish triumph, Jewish pride, and a clear interest in remaining connected to one’s faith and heritage. Many of these Yidden never heard the Megillah in their life before, and at a time when the Hamans of the world are maligning us and Israel is at war with evil again, the joy of our people celebrating Purim was palpable.

Celebrating Purim and re-learning the story of the Golden Calf, the Cheit HaEgel, in Ki Sisa got me thinking about how complicated our relationship with Hashem can be. There are ups and downs, times of great Torah observance, and times where we’re transgressing a lot, times when Jewish kings guided us properly, and times when they pushed us away from HaKadosh Baruch Hu. We are a complicated people and while at our core we remain connected to Hashem, how it plays out in real life can be confusing and rough.

Additionally, these past few weeks have reiterated to me the large role Jewish women have played—and continue to play—in our survival. From Queen Esther to Miriam the Prophetess, from the women who wouldn’t donate their jewelry to build the Golden Calf to the women who donated first to the building of the Mishkan and even brought their weaving talents to create a shining edifice for Hashem, Jewish women have always stood at the forefront of keeping us devoted. Without them, we would have dropped off the face of the earth long ago. Kabbalah elaborates on the feminine souls today that are a gilgul, reincarnation, of the souls that were steadfast during Yetzias Mitzrayim, during the exodus and time in the Sinai desert.

In our double parashah, Vayakhel-Pekudei, we read about women’s involvement in preparing and building the Mishkan and it really stands out. No, they didn’t serve as Kohanim and Leviim, as that was set aside for men, but when it came to ensuring we had the necessary materials and beautiful tapestries, they were at the forefront of Jewish life.

The 22nd of Adar marks our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s nostalgic and fun to look back at the twenty years Chavie and I journeyed together. We’ve been through a lot: pioneering Chabad in the State of Montana with six couples now serving in five cities, adopting five children, including a twelve-year-old, raising a child with special needs, and so much more. It’s a lot to deal with over two short decades and this all happened while we were enjoying life, finding ways to have simchas ha’chaim, relishing our shlichus to the Jews of Montana, and building a magnificent community with warm Jews who are connecting to Hashem.

Like the complicated relationship we all have with Hashem, marriages are complicated too. Sure, every once in a while, you find a “happily ever after” marriage that appears to have no obstacles, but most marriages have their ups and downs, times of deep stress, and moments of great calm, days when you’re not sure the bond will survive, and times when you don’t know how you could ever live without your spouse.

When I was first married and had an argument with Chavie, I thought it was all over, except it wasn’t, and learning how to weave through disagreements, even big ones, is the art of a healthy marriage. Today, as we mark this huge milestone, I would like to take the time to share ten things that we strive to do to keep our marriage strong, and perhaps some will enlighten and inspire you too. Just to be clear, I’m not perfect at these precepts, but when I live by them it creates a happier, healthier relationship.

My chassan teacher, Rabbi Berel Chaikin of Cleveland, taught us that we must give our wives multiple gifts each year before every major holiday and personal milestone. The price or magnitude of the gift isn’t what matters, just something to let her know you love her and think about her. I’ve kept this up pretty well and it never fails to wow Chavie.

• Make time each day or night when your phone is off and you’re focused on each other. Phones have created big challenges for marriages and all healthy relationships as we are constantly distracted, so learning to set it aside and focus on conversing with the person you love more than life itself is super valuable.
• Allow your wife to give you the spiritual Torah guidance you need, even if you initially don’t want to hear her out. Women’s spiritual and holy intuition is unique and their understanding of healthy middos is invaluable. It’s not easy for me to be guided in Yiddishkeit by Chavie, but if you read what I wrote earlier about the women and their spiritual anchoring throughout history, you’ll recognize that their guidance is a berachah.
• Make time to travel without the kids. We’ve had wonderful family trips around the world, but alone time with just the two of you is important. Even if only for a day or two, having some breathing time without the children is special and does wonders to bless a marriage.
• Articulate and recognize the amazing things your spouse does. I’m not super good at this, but when I do remember to express my admiration to Chavie for all she does to keep our home and community functional and glowing, it goes a long way.
• Appreciate your in-laws. I adore my in-laws, Rabbi Chaim & Mrs. Rivkie Block of San Antonio. I know it’s not always possible, but having a solid relationship with your in-laws is a berachah that endears one to one’s spouse. There is almost nothing that pleases them more than seeing their spouse connect to the important people in their life.
• Find a mutual mentor. In addition to having our own spiritual mashpiah/mentor, we have a joint one to whom we can turn when we have a hashkafic or life dilemma, a mentor whose guidance we cherish and follow. This mentor has the final say and we both agree to follow their advice through thick and thin. It’s not always easy, but it’s a great way to wade through the turbulent waters that come our way.
• Stay in your lane. There are things I do and things that Chavie does and we almost never take on each other’s role. I do the children’s doctor and dentist appointments and most of the parental “Uber” driving. Chavie deals with the hospital for Zeesy and all of Zeesy’s medical meals, and also all the details of the kids’ ski lessons. I do all the grocery shopping and she does the cooking. It takes a lot to run a household, so dividing and conquering is the way to make it all happen seamlessly.
• Support your spouse when they are struggling. When I’m a mess, stressed out to the max, Chavie is my rock of calm and support. Yet, when she’s having a rough day, I tend to join her in the anxiety instead of remaining calm. I’ve been working to show up for her the way she does for me. Perhaps I will get better at it, but for now at least I know that it’s something that could be super helpful and I will strive to show up for Chavie when she needs me the most.
• Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Men and women don’t see the world the same way and our interests differ greatly. I don’t completely understand why Chavie needs certain things, yet I can support her completely. Being married means supporting our spouse’s interests even if we don’t quite understand them. Trust me, there’s plenty that Chavie supports in my life that she doesn’t quite get, and I do the same for her.

Here’s to another 20 years of growth in love, marriage, meaning, and doing good for Klal Yisrael. 

Rabbi Chaim Bruk is co-CEO of Chabad Lubavitch of Montana and spiritual leader of The Shul of Bozeman. For comments or to partner in our holy work, e-mail [email protected] or visit JewishMontana.com/Donate.