Relationships At Their Root

By: Yochanan Gordon

I was planning on writing about something altogether different this week, but because last week I wrote about parenting and this week was the yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, I figured I should linger on the topic of relationships for another week.

When discussing the Rebbetzin’s yahrzeit, or yahrzeits in general, the Rebbe would quote the words of Chazal: “V’hachai titein el liboi,” meaning the purpose of commemorating the anniversary of someone’s passing is for those who remain in this world to learn from their ways and perpetuate their legacy.

If we reflect for a moment about how public a personality the Rebbe was, it’s mind boggling then that his Rebbetzin was able to maintain such a private persona to where many in her own community knew very little about her and almost never saw her, if ever.

Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson was the daughter of the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneerson and his wife Rebbetzin Nechama Dina. She was born on the 25th of Adar in 1901 and she returned her soul to its maker on 22 Shevat in the year 1988.

Commenting on the significance of his marriage to the Rebbetzin, the Rebbe remarked that the 14th day of Kislev, which is the day of their wedding anniversary, was the day that “bound me to you and you to me.” The Rebbe seemed to always be hyperconscious of his relationship to the Friediker Rebbe, whom he would inherit the seat at the helm of Lubabvitch from. Interestingly, immediately after the Rebbetzin’s passing, the Rebbe turned to Rabbi Piekarski who was then the rosh yeshiva at 770 Eastern Parkway with a question whether he was still halachically related to the Friediker Rebbe.

Despite the Rebbe’s grueling schedule, he made time every day to sit for some free minutes with his wife over tea. Later, the Rebbe’s cardiologist from Chicago, Dr. Ira Weiss, would also go on to observe that the Rebbetzin said the Rebbe had told him that the few minutes with his Rebbetzin daily were as important to him as the mitzvah of putting tefillin on every day.

The comparison between the mitzvah of tefillin required dedicating one’s mind and heart to Hashem and deepening one’s spousal relationship similarly requires similar dedication.

The Rebbetzin’s passing left a deep impact on the Rebbe. In fact, in many respects Lubavitch changed significantly after her passing. From that day forward the Rebbe ceased saying maamorim. It was the recitation of a maamar on 10 Shevat 1951 that signaled the Rebbe’s succession of his father-in-law. Before that, the Rebbe would farbreng and say sichos and was very instrumental in a number of pivotal roles in the day-to-day running of Chabad. But the feature that separates a Rebbe from a private individual is the recitation of a maamar, which ceased from the moment of the Rebbetzin’s passing and onward.

Although the Rebbe would hold the giving of dollars weekly, which was in lieu of Yechidus there were certain areas where the Rebbe stopped advising on in the aftermath of the Rebbetzin’s petirah. He officially stopped giving financial blessings. If people would come to him for blessings for a refuah he would advise them to seek out a doctor who is also a friend. If you had to characterize where the greatest impact occurred in the Rebbe’s day-to-day running of Chabad and in his interactions with Chassidim and all those in need you can say that it was in the realm of practicality that his leadership took the biggest hit.

What makes this all the more mystical and esoteric is the fact that the Tzemach Tzedek, who was the third Rebbe of Chabad and a son-in-law to his predecessor Reb Dovber the Mitteler Rebbe, was named Menachem Mendel and was married to a Chaya Mushka. After the passing of his Rebbetzin, the Tzemach Tzedek too ceased reciting maamorim and he remarked that with the passing of his Rebbetzin, the light of his life was extinguished.

I heard an explanation that was explored at a farbrengen the other day hosted at the SoulWords House adjacent to the Ohel, which is presided upon by Rabbi Shais Taub and was given in tandem with Rabbi Manis Friedman who offered the following explanation. The Gemara in characterizing the role of men and women in their respective relationships, it’s the man who delivers the raw materials and the woman who makes something out of it. The man brings home sustenance, and the woman provides edible food for the family. The man provides procreative seed, and a child is developed over a nine-month gestational period in its mother’s womb. That’s why in Chassidus and Kabbalah the man is known as the mashpia, the one who bestows, and the woman is the mekabel, the recipient.

In Kabbalistic terms, the man corresponds to Zeir Anpin and the woman to Malchus. The level of Malchus in the sefirotic table is where everything that came through the system emerges concretely. As mentioned, the Tzemach Tzedek was the third Rebbe of Chabad, corresponding to the sefirah of Tiferes or beauty, his wife Chaya Mushka would represent the concretization of the sefirah of Tiferes, which would be impacted with her passing.

The Rebbe, who was the seventh in the line of Chabad Rebbes, is always seen as Malchus, which is the final sefirah. I wanted to suggest that the Rebbe who was in many ways similar to the Tzemach Tzedek and felt very attached to him could be characterized as Malchus of Tiferes and his wife Chaya Mushka Malchus of Malchus.

The truth is the precise sefirotic situatedness can be debated, but the message I am trying to bring out here is how the relationship between the Rebbe and his Rebbetzin and the Tzemach Tzedek and his Rebbetzin were seen from its root in the supernal realm even as it was lived in this very physical realm.

So much of our relationships are colored by physical and this worldly stimulants when in fact we are so much higher and other worldly than that. If you are married, then you stood under a chuppah while your wife circled you seven times. The symbolism in everything that goes on at the chasunah is so rich and so mystical if we wanted we can live our entire lives unpackaging those events. Many times, though, those rituals are left to be cleaned up by the cleaning crew while our lives become embroiled in petty arguments and self-inflicted issues. We need to start recognizing where we come from and what our respective roles are, and give each other the honor and dignity that we deserve being the manifestation of G-d in this lowly world. 

Yochanan Gordon can be reached at [email protected]. Read more of Yochanan’s articles at 5TJT.com.