Respect And Self-Respect

By: Rav Reuven Taragin

Human beings have a deep, inherent need to feel accomplished and significant. Hashem instilled in us a desire to realize our potential, achieve meaningful goals, and feel that our lives matter. When misdirected, however, this need can manifest as insecurity and a craving for kavod (respect).

The Trap of Kavod

But too much kavod from others can inflate our self-perception. In fact, many of our other ambitions, such as knowledge, wealth, and strength, ultimately serve as vehicles for gaining respect. This perspective explains why Ben Zoma, in the fourth perek of Avot (4:1), supplements Yirmiyahu’s list of three primary human aspirations with kavod. While Yirmiyahu (9:22) identifies wisdom, wealth, and strength, Ben Zoma adds kavod as the ultimate objective.

The pursuit of respect often eclipses our real needs. As the Rambam observes, “Most people wear out their bodies and souls through tireless, unparalleled efforts to achieve status and respect. And this pleasure is unrelated to food or drink.”

Even such intense pursuit does not always result in genuine respect, as Chazal say: “Honor flees from those who pursue it” (M”Y 22). Those who desperately seek recognition rarely receive it. Instead, we respect those who maintain their self-respect and show confidence by respecting others. As Ben Zoma teaches in the aforementioned Mishnah: “Who is the respected one? The one who respects others” (Avot 4:1).

The Torah does not reject the importance of honor. Indeed, it commands us to honor our parents, respect the elderly, and recognize the stature of Torah scholars. Honor has an important place in a healthy society. The problem arises when we make receiving honor our personal objective.

Furthermore, the respect we attain fails to satisfy us for long. Rather than fulfilling our need for significance, recognition intensifies our desire for even more. The more we become accustomed to receiving honor, the more dependent on it we become.

Indeed, as we have seen, the Mishnah in Avot teaches that the desire for and pursuit of kavod can “take man out of this world” (Ibid. 4:21). This can occur on two levels: halachically and existentially. Beyond the risk of sinning in the quest for respect, our pursuit of it can also divert us from our intended life purpose.

Hashem’s Glory: Whose Name Are We Making?

This pursuit serves as a diversion because our lives are meant to focus on glorifying Hashem’s name, not our own. As Yeshayahu declares and Avos echoes, the entire world was created for Hashem’s honor (Yirm. 43:7. Avot 6:12). As beings created in Hashem’s image and uniquely capable of appreciating Him, we are meant to lead this mission.

Pursuing respect for ourselves rather than for Hashem constitutes a fundamental error because it distorts the world’s purpose and our role in it.

The Dor Haflagah, the generation responsible for constructing the Tower of Bavel, exemplified this mistake. Their explicit goal was to “make a name” for themselves (Ber. 11:4). To redirect their focus, Hashem dispersed them by introducing multiple languages. Their mistake was not simply wanting to accomplish something great together, but seeking to make themselves the beneficiaries of their collective achievement. They directed their unity toward glorifying themselves rather than serving a greater purpose than themselves.

When we acknowledge Hashem and dedicate ourselves to His purpose, we can collaborate with others in a meaningful and sacred mission. However, when our collective efforts focus on personal recognition and self-glorification, even our unity can become destructive. This context underlies Hillel’s statement at the conclusion of Avot’s first perek: “One who advances his [own] name destroys his name” (Avot 1:13).

Unlike the tower builders, Shem ben Noach and his descendants exemplified a different approach. Shem facilitated the first Kiddush Hashem (sanctification of Hashem’s name) when his noble actions prompted Noach to declare, “Blessed is Hashem, the G-d of Shem” (Ber. 9:26). If Migdal Bavel caused a chillul Hashem through self-aggrandizement, Shem was the first Kiddush Hashem through self-effacement.

Avraham Avinu, a descendant of Shem, was the first to publicize Hashem’s name among the broader population (Ibid. 12:8). Because Avraham’s mission centered on glorifying Hashem’s name, Hashem promised to make Avraham’s name great (Ibid. 12:2). When we understand that our purpose is to serve and honor Hashem’s name, our reputation becomes a means to this greater objective.

The contrast between the Dor Haflagah and Avraham is striking. The tower builders declared, “Let us make a name for ourselves.” Avraham, on the other hand, dedicated his life to publicizing Hashem’s name, and Hashem responded by promising him, “I will make your name great.” Avraham received the very honor the builders sought for themselves because he dedicated himself to something greater than himself.

The Midrash (Mish. 18:10) credits Avraham with articulating the distinction between pursuing personal renown and honoring Hashem’s name. When the builders of the tower sought his assistance, Avraham responded, “You’ve abandoned G-d’s name, and you want me to help you make a name for yourselves?!” (Yalkut Shimoni Teh. 26:703).

Hashem selected Avraham’s descendants, the Jewish People, to serve as a nation devoted to glorifying His name. Instead of building a tower to commemorate our own achievements, we build a Beis Hamikdash that testifies to Hashem’s centrality in our lives and in the world.

The Dor Haflagah was neither the first nor the last to make this mistake (Ber. 6:4). Many individuals mistakenly prioritize their own reputation and fervently seek respect. Paris and other cities follow the lead of the Dor Haflagah in building towers to make a name for themselves. For modern individuals, the “tower” is built of likes, followers, and communal honors. Sadly, many still seek to “make a name for themselves.”

At times, people even appropriate matters for personal gain that were intended to serve Hashem. The Mishnah warns against using Torah knowledge as a personal crown (Avot 4:5). Torah represents G-d’s wisdom, and we should focus on glorifying Hashem’s name rather than our own. Even our greatest spiritual accomplishments can become distorted when we see them as chances to enhance our reputation rather than to serve Hashem.

The Va’yevarech Dovid section of Shacharit cites the verse that identifies the true source of wealth and honor: “Wealth and honor come from before You” (DH”Y I 29:11). By dedicating ourselves to Hashem’s service and name, we may ask Him, who bestows wealth and confers honor, to grant us both.

Personal Goals

The pursuit of kavod can also interfere with our personal development. Our purpose in this world is to cultivate our unique abilities and fulfill our individual potential, not to spend our lives seeking others’ approval. Even when our good deeds earn recognition, we should focus on the value of the actions themselves, not the honor they bring us.

Hashem’s initial words to Avraham instructed him to “go to himself” (Ber. 12:1), which many commentaries understand as a call to discover and develop his unique identity. Personal growth requires us to focus on the person Hashem intends us to become rather than allowing other people’s expectations to define us.

This does not mean that we should disregard the opinions or guidance of others. Teachers, mentors, family, and friends can help us recognize our strengths and identify areas that require improvement. The problem arises when our desire for their approval outweighs our commitment to discovering and fulfilling our own responsibilities. Even positive expectations can cause us to lose our individuality, as we may strive for popularity instead of embracing the unique identity Hashem intends for us.

Additionally, when our need for approval becomes dominant, our aspirations can gradually shift from serving Hashem to pleasing others. Our relationship with Hashem suffers when we care more about how others perceive us than about what Hashem expects of us.

We can connect with Hashem and find our true selves only by focusing on how Hashem created us and the guidance He gives us through His Torah. Distractions caused by others’ expectations make both goals impossible.

Self-Respect

Realizing self-respect begins when we recognize our inherent value and focus on developing our unique G-d-given abilities. Rather than measuring our success by the respect we receive from others, we should measure it by the extent to which we develop ourselves and fulfill our potential.

We should appreciate our value by remembering that the world was created for each of us (San. 37a) and that each of us has a unique and important role and the potential to make a significant impact. We should find meaning in our relationship with Hashem and feel successful through our good deeds and decisions.

We should base our self-esteem on ourselves and our meaningful efforts, not in the respect we receive or do not receive from others.

We were not created to spend our lives seeking others’ approval. Each of us was created with unique abilities, opportunities, and responsibilities. Our significance depends not on how much recognition we receive but on how we use the gifts Hashem has given us. When we focus on developing ourselves, honoring others, and contributing to Hashem’s world, we discover a deeper sense of self-respect and fulfillment. It is ironic that we become truly worthy of honor when we stop pursuing it for ourselves.

Let’s begin by doing at least one mitzvah without anyone’s knowledge or credit, and notice the shift from external validation to internal meaning. And may doing this inspire us to live truly meaningful lives. n

In memory of my mother, Mrs. Susan Taragin (Shulamit bat HaRav Shmuel Tzvi, z’l)

Rav Reuven Taragin is the Dean of Overseas Students at Yeshivat Hakotel and the Educational Director of World Mizrachi. His new book, Essentials of Judaism, is available at rabbireuventaragin.com.