Throw Away Your Old Toys

Growing Up Emotionally in Order to Build a Marriage

By Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL

Bereishis (2:24) describes the psychological process of marital attachment, both emotional and physical:

Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.

This verse speaks to an important psychological principle within marriage. Healthy intimacy requires a degree of appropriate separation and boundary-making from one’s parents.

There is an interpretive and halachic difficulty with this verse. The pasuk appears to imply abandoning one’s parents after marriage. In practice, however, there is no suspension of a man’s obligation to honor his father and mother in favor of his wife. While a married woman is considered exempt from honoring her parents if their wishes present a contradiction to her own duties toward her husband (see Shulchan Aruch YD 240:17 and Shach), this exemption apparently applies only to women, not men. Yet the verse speaks from the vantage point of a man, which seems to suggest the opposite. Does a man cling to his wife in a physical and emotional sense, yet still remain bound by the wishes of his parents?

There is an exception to a son’s requirement to obey his parents, in that a man may choose a wife even if it is contrary to his parents’ wishes (ibid., Rama 25). We might then understand the verse in a literal sense: that one “leaves” his father and mother by choosing his wife, even against their objections. However, this does not seem to capture the full intent of the verse, which appears to be describing a broader process.

We may turn to Targum Onkelos, who interprets the verse differently. He translates: Hence a man leaves the sleeping quarters (Aramaic: Beis Mishkavei) of his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.

It is unlikely that Onkelos meant sleeping quarters literally. Even though homes were smaller, and even though it is possible that younger children—especially those who nursed longer—may have spent early parts of childhood in their mother’s bed, it could not be that a man moved directly from his parents’ bedroom to his marital home. Rather, we may understand Beis Mishkavei as an Aramaic idiom for one’s home of origin.

Seen this way, the verse is not addressing the technicalities of kibbud av v’em, but rather the psychological reality and necessity of proper individuation from one’s parents in order to form a marital bond and union. A man may remain fully obligated to respect his parents even after marriage, yet he must now function as an autonomous person.

Emotional intimacy and romance require a sense of self and confidence that cannot easily develop when a person remains overly dependent upon his parents. The intensity of these emotions is difficult to manage without a strong and healthy ego. An excessive need for approval, fear of independence, or a lingering sense of guilt and undeservedness will interfere with emotional bonding, and at times even with the physical dimensions of bonding as a married couple.

Rabbennu Bechaye (Bereishis 41:51) comments on the Hebrew word nashani (root: N-S-H-N), meaning “to forget.” He notes that the Talmudic term for a woman’s home of origin is Beis Nsha, usually translated as “the woman’s home.” Rabbennu Bechaye suggests that this phrase may also be understood as “the home that must be forgotten.” He is alluding to the idea that in order to form a bond with one’s spouse, certain childhood attachments must be released. Old patterns must be forgotten so that something new can begin. n

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R maintains a private practice specializing in high conflict couples and families and addiction in relationships. Contact [email protected] for more.