Wait Till You Hear This One

I wonder how many buyers and sellers would like to be a fly on the wall when real estate brokers and attorneys get together and share crazy closing stories the same way we trade horror stories with each other?

You can’t imagine the number of closings that start off simple, with just an exchange of signatures, but turn into a “Twilight Zone soap opera” that would be unbelievable if you were not there to experience it for yourself.

Here’s a story told to me by one of my real estate attorney friends.

“After many months of negotiating a complicated real estate deal, which included purchasing a business and property, we finally executed a sales contract and waited three months for the subsequent closing.

“Three months later, we finally went to the closing and routinely signed and exchanged paperwork and everything else you do at a closing. The mood was high and very friendly, and the buyer took out a bottle of vodka and glasses and said he wanted to make a l’chaim to celebrate his new business and property.

“The real estate brokers, title closer, and the attorneys involved were extremely annoyed and upset at this delay in finishing the closing and asked the buyer to please put the bottle away until all the papers were signed and the transaction was complete.

“The seller smiled and said, ‘I don’t see any problem in having a little drink with my new friend (the buyer) while we finish signing everything. This just adds to the closing celebration.’ And with that, the buyer, seller, and the seller’s wife walked out of the closing room, leaving the brokers, lawyers, and the title people to continue working on the paperwork for the closing.

“Meanwhile, outside the office, the buyer and seller continued to polish off that bottle of vodka in the other room while we set aside the documents the seller and buyer had to sign in individual piles, waiting for their return. Through the door, you could hear the laughter of the new business party going on in the other room.

“After running out of paperwork to prepare, we finally stood up to call them back in to finish signing the remaining documents so we could all go home.

“But when we opened the door, to our amazement, the seller was holding the buyer by his throat and screaming, ‘How dare you talk like that to my wife!’ The wife was in the corner of the room, shrieking in anger, saying, ‘I do not want to do any business with this guy!’

“At first, I thought I was in the middle of a scene from Dr. Phil. I couldn’t believe that these two people who had left the room hugging each other were now at each other’s throats threatening to kill each other. Forget about the fact that the vodka bottle was now empty, the glasses broken, and the three of them on the wrong side of sobriety!

“It was obvious that if we didn’t finish the closing immediately, it would never get done. So, I said to them, ‘Excuse me, can you guys stop for a couple of minutes and come in to sign the rest of the papers?’

“They all came back into the room, cursing each other, but signing the rest of the paperwork needed to close the deal. After the paperwork was cleared off the table and the checks pocketed, we started to exit the room when suddenly, the seller punched the buyer in the nose, and the latter, in turn, jumped on the seller from across the table.

“After the police left the premises, with both buyer and seller taken away in the police car, and the seller’s wife still screaming in the conference room, I turned to the other attorney and said, ‘Since we both don’t do criminal law, I guess we had better just go home.’

“‘Agreed,’ said the other attorney as he shook my hand and exited.

The moral of the story? Leave the L’chaims to Shabbos and yom tov!

Happy Chanukah, everyone! n

Anessa Cohen lives in Cedarhurst and is a Licensed Real Estate Broker (Anessa V Cohen Realty with over 20 years of experience offering full service residential, management, and commercial real estate services. She can be reached at 516-569-5007 and encourages readers to send any questions or scenarios by email to: [email protected].