Dating
In recent months, singles have been sharing with me a dating dictum that seems to be gaining traction: “Date the person until you hate them.” A few days ago, a post popped up on my social media feed from an anxious mother who wrote that her frum daughter is actively dating in shidduchim, and insists that her mother’s advice that “if you don’t feel a connection by date five, end it” is outdated.
According to the daughter, matchmakers and dating coaches today are encouraging singles to “date them until you hate them.” The mother strongly disagrees with that advice, and turned to the group to ask for help in understanding the rationale behind it.
Following that post, my inbox was flooded with messages from singles asking for my perspective. Since this topic clearly strikes a nerve and reflects real confusion and pain in today’s dating world, and because all letters I publish come from real people seeking guidance, I felt it was imperative that I address this topic immediately and not wait for an official letter to arrive. So, without delay, here is my response.
Response
The phrase “date the person until you hate them” may sound edgy, modern, even comforting to people who are exhausted by the pressure of shidduch decisions. But beneath its catchy surface lies a deeply troubling shift in how we think about dating, discernment, and emotional health. Frankly, it deserves to be challenged.
In order to resolve a problem, specifically one that has become a public dilemma, it is necessary to start from the ground up and examine its foundation. That said, where did this dictum “date them until you hate them” come from? To understand why this idea has gained traction, first we must empathize with the pain behind it.
Today’s singles are dating well into their thirties, forties, and beyond, much more than previous generations. They are seeing more people and carrying more disappointment than previous generations. Many have ended promising relationships, only to regret it later.
Others fear that they are “too picky,” that they sabotage good options, or that they confuse anxiety with intuition. Into this emotional landscape comes a slogan that promises safety: Don’t decide too soon. Don’t trust your early instincts. Just keep going until the answer is obvious. In other words: avoid the risk of ending something prematurely by waiting until you feel repelled. That may sound practical, but it’s actually corrosive because it trains people to distrust healthy signals.
One of the most harmful aspects of this advice is that it teaches singles to override their internal compass. Not every lack of connection is dramatic. Often it is quiet, subtle, and clear. Conversation begins to feel strained. Curiosity about the person they’re dating doesn’t deepen. That progresses to not looking forward to the next date, perhaps even dreading it. Mainly, something feels off, even if it cannot be articulated. These are not flaws; they are signals.
Dating “until you hate them” reframes healthy discernment as immaturity. It implies that unless you feel active dislike, your discomfort is invalid. Over time, this conditions people, especially women, to distrust their own intuition in situations that don’t emotionally nourish them. That is not growth. That is self-erasure because it confuses patience with emotional neglect. There is a crucial difference between giving something time to develop and forcing yourself to stay when your heart is not engaged.
Yes, attraction and connection can grow. But they don’t grow in a vacuum, and they don’t grow indefinitely without signs of life. By date four or five, something should be moving forward: warmth, interest, emotional ease, intellectual curiosity. If nothing is emerging, the answer isn’t to wait until resentment sets in. Resentment is not a diagnostic tool. It’s a warning sign that you’ve stayed too long. We should never reach the point of hating someone to justify saying no to a date, as it encourages objectification rather than respect. No one should ever be in a position to hate someone they previously dated, as opposed to, “it just didn’t work out,” or “he or she was not for me.”
Another uncomfortable truth about this dictum is that it subtly dehumanizes their date. Dating someone “until you hate them” treats the other person as a test subject: something to endure rather than engage with honestly. It encourages prolonged dating not because of hope or admiration, but because of fear and indecision. That’s unfair to both parties. A person deserves to be dated because they are chosen, not because the other person hasn’t reached a breaking point of hatred.
There’s also the halachic concept of geneivas da’as, which means deceiving or misleading someone, thereby stealing their time. Dating someone when you know it’s not going to work out, but waiting until hatred sets in is wasting an innocent person’s time because it gives the person false hopes and creates false expectations. It also falls under the category of causing another emotional harm. Dragging them through dates when your heart is already closed causes confusion, self-doubt, and emotional attachment with no future. The Torah treats emotional harm as severe, sometimes worse than monetary harm.
“Dating someone until you hate them” is not a Torah value. This modern advice directly conflicts with Jewish ethics of clarity, honesty, and respect for the other person’s time and dignity. If you need to “hate” someone to know they’re wrong for you, something has already gone off the rails. In fact, rabbanim oftentimes advise single men and women that if there is no realistic path to marriage, it is assur to continue dating them. You are never allowed to use another person as “practice.” Imagine telling someone you’re dating that you’re waiting to see when the hate sets in. Would they still agree to go on another date? If the answer is no, that’s geneivas da’as.
This dictum does not benefit the hater either, as it deepens cynicism. Ironically, this approach often produces the very burnout it claims to prevent! Dragging out a dating relationship that lacks vitality leads to emotional fatigue and increased bitterness towards dating. Moreover, it creates a sense that dating is performative rather than purposeful, thereby numbing the heart to future suitors. And we wonder why singles are so fed up with dating that many have thrown in the towel!
By the time the relationship finally ends, meaning, when the hatred has set in, people aren’t just clear—they’re depleted. And then they carry that depletion into the next date or the next opportunity. This is how hope quietly erodes.
Healthy dating lives in a more nuanced, mature space, one that holds both patience and honesty. A more responsible framework might be to give it a reasonable number of dates (often 3–5), or even less if there is strong reason to believe they are not compatible. The focus needs to be on looking for direction, not perfection.
Singles need to pay attention to how they feel when they’re with their date, not just how they feel about them. If the dating relationship needs to end, then do it respectfully, when it’s clear the relationship will not grow, but wither. Clarity does not require contempt. Closure does not require disgust. That matters in the frumworld of dating. In the shidduch system, where dating is purposeful and marriage-oriented, the dictum of hating the one you’re dating is incredibly damaging.
Jewish tradition values wisdom, self-knowledge, and respect for others. We don’t believe in numbing ourselves until emotions scream loud enough to be undeniable. We believe in listening carefully—early and often. Teaching singles to date until hatred sets in is not only emotionally unhealthy; it undermines the dignity and intentionality that shidduchim are meant to embody.
If someone needs to hate a person to walk away, something has gone wrong long before that point. Dating should help you become more yourself, not less. As you continue to date someone, your feelings should feel clearer, not more confused. In a healthy relationship, both parties typically become softer, not hardened. The goal of dating is not to endure the experience; the goal is to recognize connection when it appears, and to have the courage to let go when it doesn’t. We owe our singles better guidance than catchy slogans. We should teach them to trust their judgment, respect their time, and give them permission to choose clarity without cruelty.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
