DATING FORUM
Question
I’ve been dating someone for a while and recently he invited me to spend Shabbat with his family. I thought it was a wonderful opportunity to get to know him better and see his family dynamic. His sister and I are around the same age, so I stayed in her room. Friday night was beautiful. Everyone was warm and welcoming, and I felt very comfortable.
The next morning, his sister, mother, and I did not go to shul. I helped his mother prepare lunch, make salads, set the table, and help wherever I could. My boyfriend went to shul with his father and brother.
His father came home from shul alone. His brother had gone somewhere else, and he told us that my boyfriend was still at the kiddush and would be home soon. A while later, my boyfriend finally came home, but he was extremely drunk. His mother immediately looked upset and asked him how many shots he’d had. He brushed her off, saying it was only a few and told her to leave him alone. He went upstairs to sleep, and we ended up having lunch without him.
During lunch, his sister was laughing and said that this is what happens every week, that he comes home drunk from kiddush and attends “kiddush clubs.” I was shocked because this was my first time seeing this side of him. After Shabbos, he wanted to go out for pizza. I asked him about what happened, and he told me it was “no big deal.” Now I’m very upset and wondering if this is a red flag. Am I overreacting?
Response
This is a very thoughtful question because “red flags” have become a common term, as if every uncomfortable moment or concern automatically means the end of a relationship. In reality, and just so that you and the readers of this column understand, a red flag is usually not an isolated incident. Rather, it is information that deserves attention for deeper and further understanding. One of the most important parts of dating is not only getting to know someone through planned dates and conversations, but also observing how the person functions in real life situations. One way if possible is spending Shabbos with someone’s family, as it often reveals things that may not come up during typical dates. That said, accepting the invite was a good call.
First, I want to point out that my concern here is not simply that your boyfriend stayed a bit longer in shul to have a drink. Alcohol is present in many social settings, and especially at a kiddush in shul. Many people can make kiddush and enjoy a drink responsibly while also partaking of the kiddush spread of food. The issue, as you described it, is how your boyfriend drank to the point of becoming so intoxicated that he was rude to his mother and unable to participate in the Shabbos seudah. He then went to sleep and left you and his family to continue without him. His mother’s reaction is important as it speaks volumes about her disapproval regarding her son’s behavior, particularly when his significant other was waiting for him to come home and enjoy lunch together. His mother clearly did not seem amused or surprised in a positive way. Her asking how many shots he’d had suggests that this may be a pattern she is familiar with and unhappy about.
The detail that stands out most is not even the drinking itself. It is the fact that his sister casually said this happens every week. Family members sometimes normalize behaviors because they have seen them for years. Something unhealthy and concerning can become typical behavior in a family. That is important information. It clearly suggests that this is not a one-time lapse in judgement.
The next piece to consider is his response when you brought it up. A mature relationship requires two people who can discuss uncomfortable topics. He did not have to immediately agree that there was a problem, but a caring partner would want to understand why this bothered you. Saying “it’s no big deal” may be dismissive because to you, it was a big deal. You were visiting his family for the first time, trying to make a good impression, and you saw your boyfriend unable to be present because of alcohol.
Look again at the family dynamics. His mother’s reaction, his sister laughing about it, you make no mention of his father’s reaction other than him saying that your boyfriend was still at the kiddush and would be home soon. It sounds like everyone in his family has accepted your boyfriend’s pattern and it may have become normalized in the family. You observed how he handles alcohol. You observed how he responded to his mother. He demonstrated exactly how he handles responsibility and accountability. Those observations are valuable information.
Before making any decisions, I would encourage you to have another calm discussion with him. Do not approach it by accusing him of having a drinking problem. Instead, start off by saying that getting invited to his home for Shabbos was meaningful because you got to know his family. Then talk about what happened, ask questions, and listen carefully. Explain that what bothered you was not that he was late because he enjoyed himself at kiddush, but that he came home so intoxicated that he missed lunch and disregarded you, his Shabbos guest, who was waiting for him at home, and that his sister says this happens often. Stress to him that you want to understand his relationship with drinking and if this is something he sees as normal. Find out if he’s open to talking about it.
His reaction will tell you a lot. Does he acknowledge your feelings? Does he become defensive and dismissive? Does he take responsibility? Does he understand why this was concerning and indicate any willingness to reflect on or make changes?
I want to remind you again that a red flag is not always a reason to immediately walk away. Sometimes a red flag is a call to slow down and gather more information. However, ignoring repeated warnings because you hope they will disappear can lead to pain later. The red flag here is not necessarily just alcohol, but whether he can recognize a pattern and work through it.
You do not have to decide everything based on one Shabbos, but you also do not have to ignore something that makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes the most important information in dating comes from the moments that make you stop and ask questions.
Dating is not only about asking yourself if you enjoy being with a person, but also if this is a person you can build a healthy life with. A spouse’s relationship with alcohol, accountability, and family expectations can have a significant impact on a future marriage.
You are not wrong for paying attention to what you saw. In fact, this is exactly what dating is for: to learn who a person truly is, especially when life is not perfectly scripted.
Proceed thoughtfully, ask questions, and pay attention not only to his answers, but also to his willingness to have that conversation. That may reveal more than the incident itself. At the end of the day, the question is not whether your boyfriend had too many drinks on Shabbos. The bigger question is whether this is the kind of behavior you are willing to accept as part of your future. Dating is the time to observe patterns, not to explain them away.
Many people enter marriage hoping that a behavior they find troubling will somehow disappear once the relationship becomes more serious. Unfortunately, marriage does not usually change patterns that already exist. On the contrary, it often magnifies them. The habits, coping mechanisms, and attitudes a person brings into a marriage are the same ones that will be present when life becomes stressful, when children arrive, iy’H, and when responsibilities increase.
I remind you again. Pay attention to the entire picture of a family that seems accustomed to this behavior, a mother who appears distressed, a sister who treats it as a weekly joke, and a boyfriend who dismisses your concern rather than taking the opportunity to understand why it bothered you. Those details matter.
A healthy partner does not have to be perfect, but they should have self-awareness. They should be able to say, “I understand why that worried you. Let’s talk about it.” The ability to acknowledge a concern and work through it is one of the foundations of a strong marriage. You are not looking for someone who never makes a mistake. You are looking for someone who can recognize a mistake, take responsibility, and make adjustments when needed. Do not ignore a concern simply because everything else about the relationship feels good. Sometimes the things we notice early in dating are the very things that later become the hardest challenges in a marriage.
Take this seriously, ask the difficult questions now, and allow his response—not just his words, but his actions—to help guide you. The purpose of dating is not only to find reasons to say yes; it is also to gather the information you need to make a wise decision.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
