DATING FORUM
Question
I need to get this off my chest and to ask you for advice on what to do if this happens again. A few days ago, I turned down a match sent to me by a shadchan. The guy comes from a frum family, but he wrote on his résumé that he’s Conservative but does not keep fully kosher. I’m a professional in my early 30s, am machmir, and I indicated on my résumé as such, that I keep fully kosher and don’t even eat dairy out in non-kosher restaurants. I’m not marrying a guy who’s not frum and eats treif! The shadchan then called me and ripped into me very harshly for declining her suggestion and reminded me how old I am, and that I’ll remain on dating sites for a long time if my attitude doesn’t change! I don’t want to go into details about everything she said to me because I’m trying to avoid embarrassing her and the organization she works for. But I was crying by the time I got off the phone.
Right before this happened to me, my friend’s mother tearfully told my mother that a shadchan who never set up her daughter in all these years decided to text her and suggested a previously married man with children when that’s not what she wants. My friend is the same age as me, and she was also never married. In so many years, whenever she reached out to that shadchan for a shidduch, the woman ignored her, but this suggestion she just couldn’t wait to make. Why do shadchanim think they can send us matches that we don’t want just because we’re in our thirties?
It’s not just the shadchanim. Even married friends who remember what it was like being single are not better. As soon as they get married, they think they can send us guys they would never have considered when they were single. Why is it okay to manipulate us? Because we’re “older girls?” The whole thing is just gross. I know I speak for all of us older girls when I tell shadchanim and married people that if you have nothing good to say to us or if you have inappropriate matches, please leave us alone. Is there a way to get this message across?
And one more thing: Can we also let our married friends know that we’re not jealous of them just because they have husbands? Married people hide things from their single friends that they tell their married friends, like when they go on vacation or if they’re expecting a baby or anything that they think would make us jealous. We’re not jealous of you just because you’re married! We have full lives and we are happy even though we would one day like to be married too. The whole thing stinks!
Response
First, I want to acknowledge how hurtful and humiliating that experience must have been for you. It also touches on something bigger than one bad phone call. No one deserves to be reduced to a number, a statistic, or a category. A shidduch suggestion can be accepted or declined. A person should never be guilted, shamed, or manipulated for exercising their choice in a match. There is a difference between a shadchan suggesting a match that isn’t compatible and a shadchan berating someone for declining a match. And this “older single” or “older girl” made-up term has got to stop already. It’s absolutely gross!
What struck me most about your letter was not that a shadchan suggested a match you felt was inappropriate. Shadchanim are human beings, and sometimes they see possibilities that others do not. Sometimes they make mistakes, and sometimes their outlook is broader than a single person’s viewpoint. That, by itself is not necessarily a problem. The problem begins when the shadchan judges them harshly for declining a suggestion.
A woman in her early-thirties or any age who has clearly stated that she is looking for a fully observant husband is entitled to decline a suggestion involving a man who openly identifies as Conservative and does not keep kosher fully. Whether another person would have made the same decision or not is irrelevant. The question is whether the match fits the criteria she communicated. If it does not, she has every right to say no and move on without being subjected to criticism, pressure, or a lecture about her age.
Unfortunately, many singles report similar experiences as they get older. At some point, people stop viewing them as unique individuals with specific goals, values, and preferences, and begin viewing them through the lens of their age and marital status. The conversation subtly shifts from “What kind of spouse would be right for this person?” to “How can we get this person married?” Those are not the same questions. The first respects the individual. The second risks treating marriage as the only objective and compatibility as a secondary concern. It’s really not much different than matching two people just because they both have, Baruch Hashem, a heartbeat.
Part of what is happening is that some people view age as a factor that should cause a person to become more flexible. The problem comes when being “flexible” turns into “accepting things that are inconsistent with your values” or “you should be grateful for any suggestion because you’re older.”
To play devil’s advocate, many shadchanim carry tremendous responsibility. They spend countless hours trying to help people build homes and families. They witness the pain of prolonged singlehood and often feel urgency on behalf of the singles they serve. Most are motivated by compassion and genuinely want to help. However, good intentions do not excuse hurtful behavior. No shadchan should weaponize age. No shadchanshould imply that because the calendar has advanced, a person should lower their standards, values, or self-respect.
The story you shared about the daughter who was ignored by shadchanim for years, only for the shadchan to contact her about a shidduch that she knew the girl would decline is particularly painful. What many mature singles find particularly difficult is when shadchanim call them with suggestions that would require them to lower both their expectations and standards.
The larger issue extends beyond shadchanim. Many singles describe a noticeable shift in how they are treated by friends after those same friends marry. Sometimes married friends begin offering suggestions that they never would have accepted for themselves, since they assume that every single person is lonely. The reason why some married people don’t want to share good news with their single friends is because they (falsely) assume that every single person is secretly miserable, bitter, and jealous. That assumption is insulting because it reduces a person’s entire identity to his marital status. Sometimes they avoid sharing good news out of fear that it will cause pain. While certain behaviors often come from good intentions rather than malice, they can still feel patronizing. And I hate to say this, but sometimes, these married friends are merely projecting and I will leave it at that.
I agree with you that many unmarried adults lead rich, meaningful, joyful lives. They have careers, friendships, family relationships, community involvement, accomplishments, hobbies, and dreams. They may deeply desire marriage while simultaneously feeling grateful for the life they currently lead. Those realities can coexist. Wanting something does not mean one is consumed by its absence, and being single does not mean being incomplete. Most importantly, as it relates to shidduchim, being in your thirties does not mean surrendering your right to thoughtful decision-making.
At the same time, I have to be fair and say that openness matters too. Some wonderful marriages began with a suggestion that seemed unlikely at first. As much as flexibility can create opportunity, flexibility is not desperation, and openness is not a license to disregard someone’s values or dignity.
In the end, the principles that should be adopted by anyone trying to help singles find a shidduch is to respect their stated values and prioritize genuine compatibility. Age should never be used to shame someone, even if it’s meant to be used constructively. It’s hurtful.
When someone wants to help another person, they need to encourage openness without asking them to abandon their standards. Kashrus is important, as is the willingness to become an instant stepparent. These are not unreasonable priorities. I urge everyone who is reading this column to please see singles as people, not projects. I cannot stress this enough, but above all, respect comes first. When shadchanim, friends, and neighbors remember this, they will help create not just more matches, but healthier and more meaningful ones.
The advice I’m offering you is to continue approaching shidduchim with an open mind, but never confuse openness with surrendering your values. Please try not to internalize suggestions as being a judgment of your worth. And if you reject a shidduch, it does not need to come with an apology. If you are pressured, the right response is not to lower your standards out of fear.
If a shadchan, friend, or anyone speaks to you in a way that leaves you feeling diminished, remember that their words do not define you. You are not “an older girl” regardless of how they may try to make you feel. You are a thoughtful adult seeking a life partner, and you deserve to be treated with the same respect afforded to anyone else in the dating world.
Please stay hopeful and open without abandoning your principles. Continue building a rich and meaningful life while pursuing marriage. And when someone presents a suggestion that you are not interested in, decline it graciously and move forward confidently. The goal is not simply to get married; the goal is to, iy’H,build the right marriage with the right person.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
