DATING FORUM

Question

I’m new to dating for marriage and I need guidance about meeting somebody on my own. A little about myself. I finished law school, passed the bar, and I feel ready to get married now. The matchmaker route is not my thing yet as I would rather meet on my own like my parents did. They met at a singles weekend in the Catskills, and so did my grandparents from my mother’s side. They always talk about the Catskill mountains and why is it that young people don’t have anywhere to go and meet these days. I’m on a bunch of chats and social media sites like Instagram and Facebook. I see ads for different kinds of singles events. Some are free, some charge to get in. My friends tried some of the free events and said that they’re the same people there all the time, and they’re not looking for their soulmate, so I think they’re just like bumming around. I really don’t think my friends are serious about getting married. 

Why are some events free and others charge a fee? My parents say, “You get what you pay for in life” and that I should invest in a few good events, but how do I know where to go? 

Response

First, congratulations on reaching this stage of your life. Finishing law school, passing the bar, and feeling ready to build a marriage is a major accomplishment. It’s also understandable that you want your dating journey to feel natural and organic, especially since you grew up hearing stories of how your parents and grandparents met. Those stories from the Catskills represent something many people miss today, a time when singles had the opportunity to socialize, meet people face-to-face, and form connections outside of a formal matchmaking process. The beauty of those programs from yesteryear is that they didn’t seek to attract a specific hashkafa, background, or other features like today. Jewish singles from all walks of life joined those events. The scores of marriages and beautiful families that came from those gatherings are what we see today as the pillars of their communities. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet someone on your own. In fact, that is something that I highly recommend. Many successful marriages have begun through friendships, social gatherings, community events, and singles programs. The key is not whether you meet through a matchmaker or independently; the key is whether you are putting yourself in environments where you are likely to meet people who share your values and are also serious about marriage.

You asked a very important question: Why are some singles events free while others charge a fee? Your parents are right. I will add to your parents’ expression with “You get what you pay for in life” with “There’s no free lunch.” I have been organizing singles events for most of my life, and I feel comfortable saying that I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen wholesome organizers whose main objective is for singles to meet and get married, and I’ve also seen organizers behaving ruthlessly and treating events like a dog-eat-dog industry. 

Before I get into the nitty-gritty, cringe-worthy explanation about free events, I need to put this out there. A free event is not automatically bad, and a paid event is not automatically good. However, there are often differences in the level of planning, screening, and investment behind them.

Free events are sometimes sponsored by organizations, businesses, or individuals who want to create a social opportunity. That could be a wonderful outing for singles. But because there is little to no financial commitment, some people may attend casually simply because they have nothing to lose. This can sometimes lead to the same crowd showing up repeatedly, with people attending for entertainment or socializing rather than because they’re truly ready for marriage.

An event might be free because sometimes an organizer is trying to build a database of singles, as their intention is to run future events. It’s like businesses giving out free samples of their products for consumers to try. The objective being that if the consumer likes the sample, they will eventually buy the product. That is not necessarily a bad thing if what they offer in their advertising is true and their intention is good. Some organizers also do that to get singles as clients for a side business. Then there are organizers for whom singles events are their only source of income and they treat it like a business. That too is not a bad thing, unless they run free events just to knock out whom they assume to be their competition. Such individuals start off running free events against organizers who invest money in the venue, including renting, catering, and other vendors. This has been going on since the beginning of time when there were organizers who were renowned for deliberately knocking out all their competitors by booking locales and organizing free events near events that charged a fee. Eventually, after losing much money, the organizers who invested money and hoped to at least break even, stopped running events. That was the exact point when the ruthless organizers started charging whatever fee they could and it became a very lucrative business for as long as it lasted. Then, of course, there are organizers, who may not be as brutal, but they disparage other organizers and their events. If you are on social media sites, I’m sure you read shocking comments vilifying advertised events. And nowadays, they can do so under a pseudonym.

I’m sharing this with you so that you understand that there’s more to what you see that takes place behind the scenes. Why is all this information necessary to know? Because whatever mode of events you choose to attend, you want to deal with an ehrliche person. Whether they charge a fee just to cover their costs, or they organize events for free, or if they want to run it like a business, none of that matters as long as they are fair, are kind to the attendees, and do not bash other organizers. The way an organizer conducts himself will in one way or another affect the attendees. I’m not implying that you can’t meet your bashert even at those events, because shidduchim have come about even in these venues.

Just so you know, there are private non-advertised events that are free too. Those events are hosted in someone’s home and singles attend by personal invitation only. Free events such as house parties, where they pick and choose their guests by invitation, are typically smaller events. But truthfully, they are usually the same people you see everywhere else. Though the organizers may want the attendees to think otherwise, the fact is that if it’s free, you can be sure it’s not too challenging for the organizer to find attendees. Regarding your friends that are not serious, they are probably seeing the same faces because free advertised events are a “come one, come all” type of thing. 

One might ask why do some organizers charge a fee, even if they are doing it l’shem mitzvah? Because unless they are super wealthy, they need to cover the heavy costs involved with making an event. Compared to someone making a simcha, even when done economically, an event quickly runs into thousands of dollars. The fee to enter that kind of event is meant for the organizer to hopefully at least break even. Yes, there are organizers who do it as a business and l’shem mitzvah. But here too, if they’re honest, the fact is that they invest a lot of money prior to the event and have no clue in advance if they will recoup any or all of the investment. Again, as long as they are honest, and offer what they advertise, it’s like any other business where you shop for something and you pay for the goods purchased. 

A free event is not automatically bad, and a paid event is not automatically good. But there are often differences in the level of planning, screening, and investment behind them. Paid events often involve significant costs: venues, food, entertainment, security, advertising, staff, and sometimes screening or registration processes. A fee can create a higher level of commitment because attendees are making an investment in their time and money. Therefore, you are more likely to meet a marriage-minded person at such an event. It does not guarantee that you will meet your future spouse, but it can indicate that the organizers are investing more into creating a quality experience.

Your parents’ advice that “you get what you pay for” most certainly has truth. You also get what you research. Here are some research questions to ask before committing to an event:

• Find out who is organizing it. Do they have a track record of successful matches? 
• Who typically attends? Are there clear age ranges and demographics? Ask the organizers if the attendees are coming from different communities or if it’s the same group repeatedly. 
• You also need to find out if the event creates opportunities for meaningful exchanges where all participants get to know each other of if it’s just a party atmosphere. Don’t be shy in asking if there are testimonials from people who actually met and married through the program. An honest organizer will proudly share answers to all your questions, and more.

I need to be fair and state that the “same people everywhere” problem often happens because singles keep going to the same types of events, even to paid events. If you’re looking for someone different, you may need to go where you have not been before.

Your parents and grandparents found each other because they were in places where singles naturally gravitated. We still have opportunities today, but they may look different. Shabbatons, professional networking events, community programs, retreats, volunteer opportunities, and carefully organized singles gatherings still exist. In fact, as of late there is over-saturation of singles events. The problem is that people do not necessarily always choose the right event.

Since you’re new to dating, I would suggest you not rely on only one method. You can attend quality events, let trusted family and friends know you’re open to meeting someone, and eventually consider a reputable matchmaker if you feel comfortable. Using a matchmaker does not mean you failed to meet someone naturally, it’s just another avenue.

The most important thing to remember is to be intentional. You are not just looking for a date: you are looking for someone to build a future with. Spend your time in places where people with that same goal are likely to be found. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].