DATING FORUM
Question
What can you do to ensure that the person you’re dating or are about to marry is not type of person who would leave their baby locked in a car on a hot summer day when neither bubby is available to babysit? Are there warning signs one can pick up while dating?
Personally, if the woman I end up marrying leaves her baby in the car even for a “1-minute makoleterrand,” I would give a get and file for sole custody. Sakanas Nefashos (endangering a human life) is non-negotiable for me.
Response
Every now and then, a horrific news story stops us in our tracks: A child is left in a car on a sweltering summer day, and by the time help arrives, it’s too late. The heartbreaking reports of babies and young children dying after being left in hot cars shake us to the core. Every senseless tragedy like this leaves families and communities asking the same agonizing question: How could this happen?’
Tragically, these stories are becoming more frequent, considering that there are warnings all over about checking the backseat to make sure no one, especially a child, is left behind. Yet every time it happens, the headlines are unbearable. Yet, we instinctively put ourselves in the place of the parents, the grandparents, the first responders, and most of all, the innocent child whose life ended tragically before it began.
The question that any human being wants to know is: What kind of parent does something like this? And for those who are dating or looking toward marriage, it makes sense to wonder if there is any way to know before marriage whether the person, they are dating is capable of making such a catastrophic mistake.
That you are taking the time to write to me to find out how to prevent such a tragedy is praiseworthy and logical. After all, when serious marriage-minded singles date, they’re not just looking for someone who shares their interests or makes them laugh. You and everyone like you is searching for a person to build a bayis neeman b’Yisrael, and you want to know whether your future spouse will be responsible, dependable, and capable of protecting the precious lives Hashem will iy”H entrust to you. My answer may not be the one you expect.
The truth is you cannot look across a restaurant table on a fourth date and know with certainty if the person opposite you is capable of a tragic lapse in memory or judgment. Human beings are not that predictable. That doesn’t mean there aren’t qualities worth paying attention to. There certainly are. But it does mean that there is no profile of someone who would leave a child in a hot car.
The dating mistake some singles make is that first they’re drawn to chemistry. Then they want to check to see if the conversation flows. Then come the inevitable questions: Do we laugh together? Do we have similar goals? Are we emotionally compatible?
All of these questions matter. Yet sometimes singles overlook the quieter qualities that eventually become crucial once children enter the picture. Character often reveals itself in ordinary moments, not dramatic ones. Here are some questions singles should really be asking themselves: Does this person keep their word? Do they arrive when they say they will? If they make a mistake, do they own it or blame other people? Do they live with discipline, or do they constantly rely on excuses? Do they treat their responsibilities casually? If the answers to these questions are yes, they may seem like small observations while dating, but they’re not. The fact is that marriage magnifies habits.
One expression that always makes me uneasy is when a person habitually says, “It’ll be fine.” Sometimes it will be; sometimes it won’t be. There are people who routinely take shortcuts because nothing bad has happened—yet. They speed when driving because they’ve never had an accident. They skip safety precautions because “it’s only for a minute.” They ignore instructions because they think warnings are for other people.
During a date, pay attention if the person you are dating has a pattern of minimizing risk. Do they respect rules only when convenient or do they understand that rules exist because someone else’s tragedy became everyone else’s lesson?
Here’s something that may surprise you. The person who says, “I never forget anything” concerns me more than the one who says, “I know I’m human, so I use reminders.” Humility is one of the most underrated qualities in a relationship. Moreover, in a marriage, humility is more attractive than confidence.
A humble person recognizes that memory fails, and that schedules change. Such a person understands that it’s possible to become exhausted while driving. They are also cognizant that stress affects concentration. So, instead of assuming they’re immune to mistakes, they build safeguards. They may write things down. They use calendars. They set alarms. They double-check, and sometimes triple-check. They welcome reminders from others instead of becoming defensive. Those are signs of maturity.
Another pointer is watching how someone handles stress that may come during dating, particularly witnessing how they deal with having had a bad day at work or school. That’s important, because parenting isn’t always lived in ideal conditions. It’s often lived on three hours of sleep, with a toddler crying, or a baby needing to be fed, another child who forgot homework, a phone ringing nonstop, dinner burning, a spouse running late. Then there are the occasional work deadlines approaching at the same time a child has a doctor’s appointment across town. Real life rarely unfolds one responsibility at a time.
Watch how the person you’re dating responds when plans unexpectedly change. Do they become flustered, or lose their temper? Do they shut down or do they regroup and calmly work through the situation? No one remains composed every minute of every day. But emotional steadiness is a tremendous gift in marriage.
One of the healthiest phrases a person can do is admit when they’re wrong. Not if they turn it around and say, “Well, if you hadn’t…” or “Well, technically…” Just a simple: “I made a mistake.” People who accept responsibility tend to learn from mistakes. People who constantly shift blame often repeat them. Marriage requires accountability. Accountability in a marriage is not overrated! Parenthood requires even more.
The Torah doesn’t tell us to trust ourselves blindly. Judaism has never promoted the idea that good intentions are enough. Quite the opposite. Our Torah repeatedly teaches us to build fences around danger. We put railings around rooftops. We separate milk and meat with waiting periods and designated utensils. We check mezuzos. We inspect food for insects. We create systems because we understand that human beings forget, become distracted, or make mistakes. The Torah tells us, “V’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoteichem—guard your lives very carefully.” Notice the wording. Not simply care. Guard. Protection requires action.
Long before children arrive, couples should discuss safety. Safety in a family is a shared responsibility. Not because they should expect disaster, but because they value prevention. Dating couples on the path to engagement should discuss practical habits. Who will keep the calendar? Who will confirm appointments? How will you remind each other about important responsibilities? What systems will you use once children arrive? Many families now place a necessary item, such as a phone, a briefcase, or handbag, in the back seat with the child so they must open the rear door before leaving the car. Others make it a habit always to look in the back seat before locking the vehicle, even when they know no child is present. These aren’t signs of paranoia. They’re signs of wisdom and foresight.
Many singles seek perfection in a partner instead of focusing more on character. People sometimes ask me and other shadchanim for a checklist. “Can you guarantee this person will never lose patience or never disappoint me, etc.”
My response to them is to ask what happens when this person realizes they’re imperfect, what do they do? Do they become defensive, or do they become more careful? The goal in dating isn’t to find someone who claims they would never make a serious mistake. It’s to find someone who strives every day to grow, someone who values responsibility over convenience, who respects life enough to take precautions, whose humility allows them to say, “Let’s double-check.” I often tell singles to watch how the person they are dating acts around children. Someone’s love for their future children begins long before those children are born.
In a world that often celebrates self-confidence, Judaism reminds us of something even more valuable:Yiras Shamayim, humility, responsibility, and unwavering commitment to protecting the lives Hashem places in our care. Those qualities don’t merely build successful marriages. They build safe homes. And perhaps that is one of the greatest gifts a husband and wife can ever give each other, and the children they are privileged to raise.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
