DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

Why are some people so much against single older men? My brother is my youngest sibling (he’s in his 30s), and I recently spoke to a shadchan regarding finding a shidduch for him. The first question she asked me is if he’s so wonderful, why is he still single? She insisted that there must be a reason, and she went on to presume that if he’s still single, he can’t possibly be “normal.” She said other things, too, but I’d rather not elaborate in my letter, and I hope I can speak to you one day to tell you more.

I told the shadchan that he started dating late because he was studying for his career. She didn’t seem convinced. Anyway, she redt a girl who is much older than him. She praised the girl and made her out to be a princess. Here’s what I don’t get: Why is it okay for a girl to be an older single but if a guy is single, everyone presumes there’s something wrong with him?

I know that girls think they have it hard with shidduchim and they do. I went through a lot of hard stuff until I met my husband. He also told me that a well-known shadchan told him that if a guy is over 35 and single, that there’s something wrong with him and that they were pushing him to date much older girls or divorced women with children. Baruch Hashem, we met on our own and are very close in age. He was already in his 40s when we met and a really great guy, and I’m lucky to be his wife.

Thank you for reading my letter and I hope you publish it, because this attitude about single older guys is hurting the girls too. I hear that older girls are being scared away from dating guys their own age and older, and they are told to date younger guys. Girls now in their 30s and 40s want younger guys who don’t want to date them. I read your column regularly and you’re a voice of reason, so I would like to hear your opinion.

Response

Thank you for your letter, and I welcome the opportunity to speak with you as well. You raise an issue that deserves considerably more attention than it receives. There is an unfortunate attitude in the shidduch world that seems to have taken on a life of its own, that if someone is still single beyond a certain age, there must be something wrong with them. And apparently, the older the person gets, the more suspicious people become. I find that mindset unfair, presumptuous, and counterproductive.

Since when did being single become an indicator of a character defect? Since when does reaching your mid-thirties, forties, or beyond mean that a person must have some hidden problem or defect that needs to be uncovered before they can be considered a viable potential shidduch?

There are countless reasons why an individual may not have gotten married at a younger age. Some people prioritize their education and careers. Others spend years helping their families, caring for older parents, or even grandparents. In fact, a few years ago, I was Baruch Hashem zocheh to be matzliach in assisting a never-married man in his early forties find his bashert. He spent most of his late twenties into his thirties being the caretaker for his elderly grandfather. His parents were both working in highly pressured careers, and he chose to volunteer and take over the responsibilities that came with caring for a very medically challenged grandparent. By the time his grandfather was niftar, he was considered an “alter bochur,” and no longer a candidate for the type of shidduch he felt was compatible with him.

There are various legitimate reasons why someone reaches a mature age and remains unmarried or hasn’t met the right person. Some have dated extensively with tremendous disappointment. Others may not have had the opportunities that people assume were readily available to them. And sometimes, despite everyone’s best intentions, things simply don’t work out. Life does not follow a timetable, and marriage certainly does not come with an expiration date.

What bothers me in particular about the situation you describe is the shadchan’s insistence that there must be something “wrong” with your brother. A shadchan’s job is to get to know a person, understand what makes him or her a suitable marriage partner, and find someone compatible. It is not to begin an interview with an accusation disguised as a question. Asking why a person is still single can be a reasonable question when approached with sensitivity and genuine interest. But there’s a difference between trying to understand someone’s dating history and making someone feel as though they are on trial for being unmarried.

I also want to address the double standard you described. Why is an older single woman viewed as someone who deserves sympathy and consideration, while an older single man is sometimes viewed with suspicion? And why, conversely, are older single women so often told that they should be grateful for a much younger man or that they should lower their expectations? Neither gender benefits from this mentality.

I have encountered situations in which men in their 30s are told they should be dating women considerably older than themselves simply because they have not married yet. Women in their late 30s and 40s, meanwhile, are encouraged to pursue younger men, exactly for the reasons you stated in your letter. Even more common, they are harshly advised to date men who are decades older, simply because they are told that men their own age are no longer interested in them. The result is a shidduch system that discourages people from considering perfectly reasonable matches based on assumptions rather than actual compatibility factors.

Let’s be honest. There are men in their 40s who are wonderful marriage prospects. There are women in their 40s who are wonderful marriage prospects. There are men in their 20s who are not yet ready for marriage, and there are women in their 20s who are not ready for marriage. Age alone tells us very little about someone’s emotional maturity, values, character, and ability to build a successful marriage.

Your own story is a perfect illustration. You met your husband when he was already in his forties, and you describe him as a wonderful man. Had someone decided that his age was an indication that something must be “wrong” with him, you might never have had the opportunity to meet. Baruch Hashem, you found each other without allowing other people’s suppositions to dictate your future happiness.

Society needs to take a step back and examine how much damage these attitudes are causing. When a shadchan tells a man that there must be a reason as to why he is still single, that statement can stay with him. It can make him question himself, feel embarrassed, or wonder whether others are looking at him as someone who comes with a warning label. The same is true for women. When a woman repeatedly hears that she’s getting older, that her options are diminishing, or that she should consider men she would never otherwise have considered, it can chip away at her self-confidence, and here’s the irony: the very people who are supposed to be helping singles find their zivug are sometimes becoming another obstacle in that endeavor. I’m not suggesting that shadchanim should ignore sensible and genuine concerns. Of course, singles should be honest about their backgrounds, personalities, expectations, and dating histories. A shadchan has every right to ask appropriate questions and to make sure a suggested match is suitable. But there is a difference between exercising good judgment and making sweeping assumptions about an entire category of people.

I also believe that singles need to be careful not to internalize the negative messages they sometimes receive. Do not allow someone else’s narrow definition of what a shidduch should look like to determine your self-worth. Here is what I want singles reading this column to internalize. You are not a defective product because you have not yet found your spouse. You are a person with a life, experiences, accomplishments, and qualities that deserve to be appreciated.

To the shadchanim reading this, please remember that the person you claim you want to help but are passing judgement on is also someone’s son, daughter, brother, or sister. They may already be carrying the emotional weight of years of dating, disappointment, pain, and unanswered questions. They do not need to be made to feel that their marital status is an indictment of their character. They need someone who will advocate for them, recognize their qualities, and help them find a compatible partner.

And one more thing I want to leave singles with, don’t let the calendar make your decisions for you. Don’t agree to a shidduch simply because someone has convinced you that you’re running out of time. Don’t automatically reject a person simply because he or she is older than the age you had envisioned. Look at the person. Look at the middos, the values, the emotional maturity, and the potential for building a life together. A successful marriage is not determined by whether someone gets married at 22, 32, or 42. It is determined by the two people who enter that marriage and what they bring to it.

People spend so much time talking about the shidduch crisis, the challenges facing older singles, and the need to find solutions. Perhaps one of the places those people need to start is by changing the way they speak about the people they claim they are trying to help.

Being single is not a diagnosis. Age is not a character flaw. And a person should never have to defend why they haven’t yet found their zivug before being given the opportunity to meet someone. The greatest disservice anyone can do to a single person is to convince them that there must be something wrong with them simply because they are still waiting for their bashert. May we all merit to see many more shidduchim, made with sensitivity, wisdom, and genuine concern for the people involved. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].