DATING FORUM

Question

I’m a single guy who dedicates an extraordinary amount of time and energy to doing chesed for Klal Yisrael. Despite this, several people, both single and married, have described me as an unhealthy, immature Narcissist. A divorced man in my community even told me that I lack the capacity to handle a three-day yom tovwith my future in-laws. Quite oddly specific.

Yes, I’ll admit that I sometimes get very angry, but that is usually when people annoy me. Still, what does any of this have to do with my ability to find a shidduch? And what does a three-day yom tov have to do with anything?

Response

Your letter raises a question that comes up a lot in the shidduch world. Does someone who performs a lot of chesed automatically become a good marriage prospect?

Your dedication to helping others is commendable. Klal Yisrael needs people who give their time, energy, and resources to those who need assistance. If you made chesed a significant part of your life, that is certainly a virtue. But there is a difference between being a tremendous asset to the community and being a suitable marriage partner. The two qualities are not mutually exclusive, but one does not automatically establish the other.

You appear to be asking why people would question your suitability for marriage when you do so much for others. Despite what some people might believe, chesed is not a character reference that automatically settles every other question about a person’s temperament. A person can spend hours helping strangers and still struggle to be patient with the people closest to him. Someone can be generous with his time, yet become defensive when criticized. Another person might be willing to move mountains to help a family in crisis but have difficulty accepting that his own preferences are not the most important ones in the room at all times. The fact remains that good qualities do not eliminate weaknesses.

Consider the difference between helping someone because you want to give and interacting with someone who does not respond as you expect. When you perform chesed, you may be focused on a goal and feel fulfilled by accomplishing it. However, in a marriage, you cannot always determine the outcome, control the circumstances, or decide what the other person feels.

Your wife may not agree with you. She may not appreciate a particular gesture in the way you anticipated. She may ask you to change a habit that you consider perfectly reasonable. She may even tell you that something you did hurt her, despite your sincere belief that you meant well. What happens then? Can you listen without rushing to defend yourself? Can you consider that your intentions might have been good while your actions caused grave hurt? Can you acknowledge another person’s experience without insisting that your own interpretation must prevail?

Doing chesed for Klal Yisrael is wonderful. Helping the person sitting across the Shabbos table from you feel valued and respected is wonderful, too. One should not come at the expense of the other.

Now, let’s discuss the descriptions you have received from several people. I would be cautious about accepting labels such as narcissist simply because others have applied them to you. The word is frequently used in everyday conversation to describe someone perceived as arrogant, selfish, or difficult. It’s not a clinical diagnosis that can be established by community consensus. Nevertheless, I would not advise you to dismiss the criticism merely because you dislike the terminology.

You say that people of varying marital statuses have independently described you as unhealthy or immature. That does not prove they are right, but it does raise a question worth examining. When one person criticizes you, the explanation may be straightforward. Perhaps that person misunderstood you, has an agenda, or simply dislikes you. When several people express similar concerns, however, it is worth asking whether they are reacting to a recurring pattern. Are they describing specific incidents? Have they observed you losing your temper, refusing to acknowledge mistakes, speaking disrespectfully, or becoming hostile when someone disagrees with you? Do people feel they must carefully manage their words around you to avoid provoking a reaction? These questions are more useful than debating whether the word narcissist is justified. You do not have to accept every accusation. But if you want to get married, you should be willing to investigate whether there is a legitimate concern beneath the criticism.

And that brings us to your statement about anger. You acknowledge that you sometimes become very angry, usually when people annoy you. Let me point out something important: People are going to annoy you throughout your marriage. Your wife will occasionally frustrate you. Your in-laws may have habits you find irritating. Your children may test your patience. Friends may disappoint you, and relatives may make comments you consider insensitive. You will not be able to eliminate every source of irritation from your life. Nor should you expect your wife to organize her behavior in order to keep you calm. The relevant question is not whether people annoy you; it’s whether you believe their annoying behavior gives you permission to respond however you please. 

There is a major difference between feeling angry and making another person pay for your anger. You can be upset and still speak respectfully. You can disagree without humiliating someone. You can establish boundaries without becoming aggressive. And you can recognize that you have overreacted even when the other person contributed to the disagreement. Emotional maturity is not measured by how pleasant you are when everything goes your way; it’s apparent when circumstances are frustrating and disappointing. That is precisely when a person’s ability to manage himself becomes important.

If your anger is intense, frequent, intimidating, and difficult to control, it would be worthwhile to work with a qualified therapist. You do not need to accept someone else’s diagnosis to recognize that improving your emotional regulation could benefit your relationships. Seeking help would not mean admitting that your critics are right about everything. It would mean taking responsibility for the part of your behavior that is within your control.

Now, regarding the three-day yom tov, I agree that the comment is highly specific. I would also be curious about what prompted it. Did this man observe something about your behavior? Was he referring to a particular incident? Or was he making an assumption without sufficient basis? I cannot know from your letter alone. However, the example itself is not as irrelevant as you seem to believe.

A three-day yom tov with future in-laws can be a revealing illustration of how a person handles situations in which he has limited control. You are away from your familiar surroundings. You may have to adjust to another family’s customs, schedule, food preferences, and household routines. Conversations may become repetitive. Someone may make a comment you dislike. You lose a lot of privacy. You may be tired, uncomfortable, or wanting to go home. The challenge is how you respond.

Can you adapt without treating every inconvenience as an injustice? Can you tolerate differences without turning them into confrontations? Can you remain pleasant when you’re not the person setting the agenda? Most important, can you do all this without placing your future wife in the position of having to mediate every disagreement between you and her family?

It’s not about whether you enjoy spending three days with your in-laws. Plenty of married people would prefer a shorter visit. It’s about whether you can coexist respectfully with people whose habits and personalities differ from your own. Your wife will have a family, a history, and relationships that existed before you entered her life. You will have the same. Marriage requires two people to negotiate those relationships with maturity. You do not have to love every relative. You do have to recognize that your wife should not have to choose between maintaining family relationships and protecting herself from your reactions, and the same standard applies to her. She must also respect your relationships and make reasonable adjustments for you. Marriage is not a competition to determine whose family, preferences, or feelings take precedence. It’s a partnership in which both people learn to navigate differences without making the other person feel that every disagreement threatens their relationship. So, perhaps the divorced man was making an unfair judgment. Perhaps he was speaking from personal experience. Perhaps he noticed something you have not considered.

Ask yourself how you behave when you’re a guest in someone’s home. Think about how you react when plans change unexpectedly or when people do not follow your suggestions. Consider whether you can enjoy an experience without needing it to unfold according to your preferences. If you’re comfortable with those situations, there’s no reason to assume that you cannot manage a three-day yom tov. If you find them difficult, you have identified something worth working on before marriage.

I would like to address another issue that may be more important than the yom tov itself. You seem to be measuring your suitability for marriage by what you contribute to society. But a prospective wife will also be evaluating what it might be like to share her private life with you. She may admire your dedication to chesed. She may respect your community involvement and appreciate your generosity. She may even be inspired by the time and energy you devote to helping others. But she will also want to know whether she can disagree with you without being punished emotionally, whether she can tell you that you hurt her feelings without provoking an angry response, and whether her needs will matter when they conflict with yours. She will want to know that you can apologize without turning the conversation into a discussion of everything she did wrong. These are not unreasonable expectations. They are basic components of a healthy relationship. 

There is something else to consider: Sometimes people are more comfortable helping those who need them than relating to people who challenge them. When someone comes to you for assistance, you may know exactly what to do. You are the person providing the help. You have a defined role and a clear objective. In a marriage, you will not always be the person with the answers. Sometimes you will be the one who needs to listen, compromise, or admit that you were mistaken. You will have to tolerate the possibility that your wife sees a situation differently and that her perspective deserves consideration even when you remain unconvinced. A successful marriage requires the ability to give and receive, lead and follow, speak and listen. Neither spouse can always be the one who knows best.

There is another dimension to your dedication to chesed that deserves attention. I’m not suggesting that your charitable work is insincere. But I would encourage you to consider whether your involvement in the community leaves sufficient room for the responsibilities of marriage. A person may have a calendar filled with meaningful activities and still struggle to find time for a spouse. Someone may be available to everyone in the community but become impatient when a family member needs attention at an inconvenient moment. If that describes you, the solution is not to stop doing chesed. It is to recognize that your closest relationships deserve your time, patience, and generosity as well.

Your future wife shouldn’t have to compete with the entire community for whatever remains of your energy. Nor should she be expected to accept hurtful behavior because you’ve done wonderful things for other people. The people closest to you should not have to settle for the least patient version of you simply because everyone else receives your best.

Now, let us return to your question about finding a shidduch. Of course, you can find someone who is compatible with you. Nobody is perfect, and nobody needs to have every weakness resolved before beginning to date. The purpose of dating is to determine whether two people can build a life together. That includes assessing character, values, attraction, religious compatibility, communication, emotional stability, and the ability to handle conflict. You should not be rejected merely because someone has attached an unflattering label to you. You should not be expected to satisfy every person’s opinion of what a husband ought to be. But you should not assume that your good deeds make questions about your temperament irrelevant.

If several people have expressed concerns about your interpersonal behavior, those perceptions may affect your shidduch prospects. People who recommend you may hesitate if they are uncertain how a prospective wife would experience life with you. That may feel unfair, particularly if you believe you have been misunderstood. Yet arguing that you do so much for Klal Yisrael will not necessarily resolve their concerns. What may help is demonstrating that you can hear criticism, reflect on your behavior, and make changes where appropriate.

You cannot control what everyone thinks of you. You can, however, develop a reputation for being someone who handles disagreements maturely, treats other people respectfully, and takes responsibility when he makes a mistake. These qualities can make a meaningful difference in both dating and marriage.

I would also encourage you to seek feedback from someone who knows you well and is willing to be honest without being cruel. Ask for specific examples of behavior that may be affecting your relationships. Resist the temptation to argue with every observation before you’ve had time to consider it. You may discover that some of the criticism is unfounded. You may discover that some of it is exaggerated. You may also discover that certain behaviors have been more damaging than you realized. The goal is not to prove that the people who criticize you are bad people. It is to determine whether there is anything you can learn that will help you become a better partner.

I will leave you with this thought. You have devoted considerable time and energy to doing chesed for Klal Yisrael. But marriage will ask you to practice a form of chesed that is less public, less glamorous, and considerably more difficult. It will ask you to listen when you would rather speak, compromise when you would rather insist, and remain respectful when you are frustrated. It will ask you to recognize that good intentions do not automatically excuse hurtful behavior. And it will ask you to remember that your wife is not a project to manage, a community to impress, or an obstacle to overcome. She is a partner whose feelings deserve consideration, just as yours do.

You asked what a three-day yom tov with future in-laws has to do with finding a shidduch. Perhaps nothing if the comment was simply an unfair personal attack. But if it was an observation about your ability to tolerate frustration, adapt to unfamiliar circumstances, and coexist with people who do not always please you, then it raises a legitimate question about the skills you will need in marriage.

You also asked what your anger has to do with finding a shidduch. The answer is that anger is not necessarily the problem. What matters is whether you can manage it without making other people pay the price. You do not have to become a different person to get married. You do, however, have to be willing to grow.

And perhaps the most important question you should ask yourself is not whether you can find a woman who appreciates everything you do for Klal Yisrael. It is whether you are prepared to build a marriage in which your wife feels appreciated, respected, and emotionally safe even on the days when you are tired, frustrated, disappointed, and convinced that you are right. Because the true measure of a person’s character is not only how much good he does when he’s in control of a situation. It is also how he treats others when he’s not. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].