DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

Three months into my relationship, the man I’m dating told me something that completely blindsided me. The age listed on his résumé is not his real age. He’s actually eight years older. I was shocked, not only because of the age difference, but because of everything that has happened during these past first three months.

Throughout our dates, he went out of his way to make sure I knew that he was “young.” He made specific comments about his energy, his interests, his lifestyle, and other things that supported my impression that he was the age he said he was. Now I realize that those comments he made were intentional. 

What makes it even more difficult for me is that he told me his rabbi advised him to lie about his age! And it wasn’t only him. The people he listed as references on his résumé also knew the truth and did not tell me when I spoke to them.

I genuinely like this man. This is what makes this so difficult. If I didn’t care about him, walking away would be easy. But I do care about him, and now I’m angry, confused, and torn.

My parents think I should let it go. They feel that since he was following his rabbi’s advice, perhaps I should forgive him and move forward. They don’t believe that a lie about age should destroy an otherwise good relationship. But I’m struggling with a much bigger question. If someone is willing to lie about his age and enlist others to help him keep that lie, how do I know what else I can trust about him?

Response

Your dilemma makes my blood boil. As a shadchan I am often placed in a situation where people deliberately misrepresent themselves. Whether it’s about their age, job, family history, finances, number of times married, or whether their marriage ended halachically by divorce or widowhood. Unfortunately, I have found that there is no limit to how far some people will go in order to achieve the type of shidduch they aim for. 

I understand why you are so torn. This is not simply a question of whether eight years is a significant age difference; it’s a question of trust, honesty, and the circumstances surrounding the deception. There’s an important distinction between someone being embarrassed about his age and someone deliberately creating a false identity. If a person is uncomfortable about his age and says, “I’m older than I look, and I worry that women will reject me because of it,” that is insecurity. It may not be attractive, but it is understandable. But deliberately putting a false age on a résumé and allowing references to confirm the false information, and then reinforcing the deception during dates is something else entirely. That is a pattern of deception.

And the fact that a rabbi allegedly advised him to do it does not automatically erase the deception or its consequences. A rabbi can give advice. A rabbi is human and can therefore make a mistake. A rabbi can misunderstand the circumstances. But ultimately, the person who tells the lie is responsible for the decision to follow that advice. Frum people sometimes struggle with this because they assume that if a rabbi advised something, the matter is automatically settled. A rabbinic opinion does not transform a falsehood into a truth.

If anything, this situation raises some important questions. What did the rabbi actually know? Did the rabbi know that the man was going to put the false age on his résumé? Did he know that the résumé would be given to potential dating partners? Did he know that references would be contacted? Did he know that the man would continue reinforcing the false impression on dates? Or did the man simply tell his rabbi, “I’m having trouble dating because of my age,” and he received some general advice that he later interpreted as permission to misrepresent himself? These are vastly different scenarios. I would want those questions answered before making any decision about the relationship. Another important point to consider is that it happens too often that not only are there people who shop around for the psak that suits them, they often twist the question in such a way to get the advice or halachic opinion that suits their needs.

There is also something else that concerns me: the references. References are supposed to provide additional confidence that the information being presented is accurate. If these individuals knew his actual age and deliberately allowed you to believe something else, you have every right to question their judgment as well.

You are not angry simply because this man is eight years older. You are angry because you were denied the opportunity to make an informed decision. That distinction is crucial. Perhaps you would have dated him had you known his true age from the beginning. Maybe you might have said, “Eight years doesn’t matter to me.” Or maybe you would have decided that the age difference was too much. That decision belonged to you. He took that decision away from you. And that is why telling you that three months into the relationship does matter.

Imagine if he had told you on the first date: “I want to be completely upfront with you. I’m eight years older than my age on my résumé. I was advised to present myself younger because I’ve been having difficulty getting dates. But I don’t want to begin a relationship with you under false pretenses.” You might still have been surprised. You might have been disappointed. But at least you would have been dealing with the truth. Instead, you spent three months developing feelings for someone while believing information about him that wasn’t true. That can make a person question the entire relationship.

You have every right to wonder what else isn’t true. Were all the other stories he told you accurate? Were the references truthful about everything else? Did he tell you certain things because they were true, or because he wanted you to perceive him in a certain way? And perhaps the most painful question of all that you need to ask yourself is: If you had known his true age on the first date, did he fear you would not have chosen him?

That last question may explain why the deception happened. He might have been afraid you would have rejected him due to his age. He may also genuinely believe that his chronological age doesn’t reflect his physical age, emotional maturity, interests, or energy. That is understandable. But fear of rejection does not justify taking away another person’s right to make an informed decision. There is also a danger in allowing the phrase “my rabbi told me to do it” to become a permanent shield from accountability. Even if the rabbi gave that advice, the man needs to be able to take responsibility that it was he who ultimately made the wrong decision in how he presented himself. That would actually be a very meaningful first step toward repairing the relationship.

There is a huge difference between: “I lied because I was told to, so you shouldn’t be upset,” and: “I was advised to do this, but I now understand that I hurt you and violated your trust. I should have been honest with you, regardless of the advice I received. I’m sorry, and I understand why you are questioning whether you can trust me.” The second response demonstrates maturity. The first demonstrates avoidance.

So, should you break up with him? What I will tell you is that I don’t think you should simply let it go. Before deciding whether to continue the relationship or not, I would have a very serious conversation with him. Not an angry confrontation, but a conversation in which you ask him to explain the entire story. Here are some of the questions I recommend you ask him. When did the lie begin? Why was it necessary? Exactly what did he tell his rabbi? What exactly did the rabbi advise? Who are the people that knew about the deception? Why did the references participate? Why did he wait three months to tell you? And most importantly: Is there anything else about his identity, history, finances, marital status, family circumstances, or employment he has not been truthful about? That last question matters because once trust has been broken, you need to know whether you are dealing with an isolated lie or a broader pattern.

I would also tell him very clearly that you need time. You don’t have to make an immediate decision because your parents think you should forgive him. Your parents are entitled to their opinion. They may be looking at the situation from the perspective that you like him, he likes you, and eight years isn’t the end of the world. But they aren’t the ones who have to be in the relationship. You do. And you are entitled to determine what you need in order to feel safe and respected in that relationship. At the same time, I would caution you against deciding while you are still reeling with anger.

Anger is telling you that something important was violated. Listen to that message, but don’t necessarily let the anger make the final decision. Ask yourself a different question: If I knew today exactly what happened, and I had never met him before, would I be willing to get to know him? If the answer is yes, then perhaps the relationship deserves an opportunity to recover, but only if he is willing to do the work necessary to rebuild your trust. If the answer is no, then you shouldn’t stay simply because you have already invested three months emotionally. If the answer is, “I don’t know,” that’s perfectly acceptable. You don’t have to know yet. You deserve to take as much time as you need. 

One more thing should be said here. Rabbis, shadchanim, parents, friends, and references all have enormous influence in the dating process. That influence comes with responsibility. There is a temptation in the shidduch world to believe that manipulating information is acceptable if the goal is marriage. But marriage cannot be built on deliberately concealing information. A person’s age may seem superficial to some, but for others it can be an important determination of life stage, health, fertility, retirement, lifestyle, family expectations, and compatibility. People are entitled to having an age preference, no matter the reason. The ethical way to overcome a person’s concerns is to persuade them with the truth, not to prevent them from knowing the truth. And this is a lesson for anyone involved in matchmaking. Never confuse helping someone get a date with helping someone build a marriage. Getting someone through the door is not the same thing as creating a healthy match. If a relationship is right, the truth will eventually strengthen it, not threaten it.

After discussing this with him, it might ultimately prove that he admits that he made a terrible decision to lie to you out of fear, insecurity, or misguided advice. If he takes genuine responsibility, answers your questions honestly, and demonstrates transparency going forward, there might be a path toward rebuilding the trust he damaged. But he cannot demand that you “let it go.” Forgiveness is something you may choose to give. Trust is something he must earn back. Those are two different things. 

With respect to your parents, an eight-year age difference may or may not be a dealbreaker. But an eight-year deception is about trust. And trust isn’t restored by asking someone to forget it; trust is restored by giving them a reason to believe you again. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].