DATING FORUM

Question

My son recently went out with a girl whom he liked. During their conversation, she mentioned that she had started high school in a frum school but transferred to public school during her freshman year. When he asked her why, she told him the [frum] school was not nice to her.

It was only their first date, so he didn’t press her for details. He enjoyed the date and was interested in going out with her again. However, he asked me whether I think it’s a red flag that a frum girl would leave a frum school to attend public school. I’m not happy about it, but I’m also not sure what to tell him.

Response

As a parent, I can understand why this would raise a question. In the frum community, education is not simply about academics. The school a child attends can be an important part of his or her religious, hashkafic, social, and cultural environment. Parents naturally want to know what influenced the child’s development, who their friends were, what values they were exposed to, and what kind of environment they were comfortable in. So, I don’t think the question itself is unreasonable. But I also don’t think the answer is as simple as, “Yes, that’s a red flag.” Nor should it be quickly dismissed as, “No, it’s not a red flag.” In fact, I would caution parents against making that determination based solely on the fact that someone attended public school. The circumstances matter.

A young person can leave a frum school for many different reasons. Perhaps she was being bullied, and consequently was socially ostracized. Perhaps there was a problem with a teacher or administrator. Perhaps she felt that she was being treated unfairly. Perhaps she had learning difficulties that weren’t being addressed. It’s possible that her family was going through a difficult financial period, and they could not afford the tuition. It could also be the school environment was simply a terrible fit for her personality. There are children who leave religious schools because they are struggling with their religious identity. Those are very different situations. And the fact that she said the school “wasn’t nice to her” doesn’t give us enough information to know which one it was.

I would actually be more concerned if the young woman had refused to discuss it altogether or if there were obvious inconsistencies in her story. But on a first date, I would not necessarily expect someone to sit down and give a detailed account of a potentially painful experience from her adolescence. She may have simply answered the question as briefly as possible.

Remember, this is just a first date we’re talking about. She doesn’t know this young man yet. She doesn’t know what he will think of her. She may not have felt comfortable opening up about something personal. There is another important issue here. We should not confuse someone’s educational history with who that person is today.

I have met many people throughout my years in shidduchim whose educational or family histories did not follow the conventional path. Some attended schools that would have made perfect sense on paper but ultimately didn’t work out for them. Others had difficult teenage years and emerged as mature, committed adults. Some people became more religious later in life. Others became less religious. Some went through periods of questioning and eventually became more secure in their beliefs. People are not résumés! A school is an institution; it does not define the person who walked through its doors.

That said, if your son is asking what to do, I would not tell him to ignore the issue. I would tell him to keep dating her if he enjoyed the date, but to pay attention to the things that actually matter for compatibility. If he’s looking to build a frum home, he needs to understand where she stands religiously. What does being frummean to her? What kind of Shabbos does she keep? What are her expectations regarding kashrus? What kind of community does she feel best represents her values, and would feel comfortable living in? Regarding a family, iy’H, how does she envision raising her children, and what kind of chinuch does she want for them? What are her expectations regarding tznius and family life? What are her hashkafic values, and what role does Torah play in her life? And perhaps most importantly, are the two of them looking in the same direction? Those are the questions that ultimately determine compatibility.

If, for example, he discovers that she attended public school because she was questioning frumkeit and ultimately decided that she doesn’t want a frum lifestyle, then obviously that is important information for him. It may mean they are not compatible, regardless of how much they like each other. But if he discovers that she remained frum, that she had a terrible experience in her former school, and attending public school was the only solution, that’s an entirely different story.

I would go one step further. It is possible that the experience of being treated badly by her frum school had a profound effect on her. Perhaps she became more independent. Perhaps she learned to stand up for herself. Perhaps she became sensitive to people who are excluded or judged. Perhaps she developed a resilience that she wouldn’t have otherwise had. We don’t know. That’s why I would not encourage your son or you to fill in the blanks. When we don’t have information, we tend to create our own explanations. And unfortunately, those explanations are not always fair.

You may be thinking, “Why would a frum girl leave a frum school? There must be a reason.” That’s a reasonable question. But the next thought should not automatically be, “Therefore, something must be wrong with her.” There could be something wrong with the school. There could have been something going on in her family. There could have been a social situation that nobody outside the family knew about. Or there could indeed be something about her religious history that the young man needs to understand.

The only way to know is for your son to get to know her. I would also caution against him making her feel as though she’s being judged for attending public school. Imagine being a young woman on a date and discovering that the young man across the table has already decided that there’s something questionable about you because of a school you attended. That would make anyone defensive. Instead, if they continue dating and the subject comes up naturally, he should ask something along the lines of, “You mentioned that you had a difficult experience at your school. If you’re comfortable talking about it, I’d be interested in knowing what happened.” That’s very different from: “Why did you leave a frum school and go to public school?” The first question communicates interest and empathy. The second can sound like an accusation.

There is a broader lesson here for parents involved in shidduchim. Parents are sometimes so focused on checking boxes that they forget that their job is merely to support their child as they try to find their spouse. I find it mind-boggling when parents put all their energy into investigating whether the single being redt to their child attended the right school, here or in Israel. They want to know who the friends are and if he or she lived in the “right neighborhood.” And of course, one of the first questions that sometimes makes or breaks a shidduch is what the parent(s) do for a living. All of these things can provide useful information, but none of them should substitute for actually getting to know the person. At the same time, I’m not suggesting that parents should be naïve.

There are legitimate questions that should be asked when considering marriage. Religious compatibility is important. Character is important. Emotional stability and maturity are important. Family expectations are important. A person’s history can sometimes reveal patterns that are relevant to a future marriage. But there is a difference between doing due diligence and looking for reasons to disqualify someone. The purpose of dating is to gather information—not to search for an excuse to reject someone.

I would also like to remind you that your son is surely not contemplating marriage after one date. He simply enjoyed meeting someone and wants to see if there’s enough compatibility to have another date. So why stop him now? If he had told you that the young lady was disrespectful, dishonest, hostile, completely incompatible religiously, or had expressed values that were fundamentally inconsistent with his, that would be a different conversation. But he said he liked her. She gave him an answer to a question, and he hasn’t even had the opportunity to learn the rest of the story. I wish that people would understand that one date is not an investigation; it’s an introduction.

My advice is to most definitely encourage him to have another date. He needs to see how she treats people. He needs to listen to how she talks about her family. Let him learn what she wants out of life. Let him understand her religious values. Let him see whether they communicate well. Let him determine whether there is emotional and intellectual compatibility. And as they continue dating, the school issue can be revisited if it remains relevant.

There is also something I want to caution you about. Don’t make this your son’s concern unless it becomes his concern. Parents are often more anxious about a shidduch than their children are. A mother may hear “public school” and immediately begin imagining everything that could possibly have gone wrong. But your son was actually there on the date. He met her, and he spoke to her. He came away from the date liking her. That doesn’t mean he should ignore legitimate concerns. But it does mean his firsthand impression deserves some weight.

Ultimately, if he discovers that they are not compatible, he can move on. If he discovers that they are compatible, then perhaps the school change will become nothing more than an interesting chapter in her life. And perhaps that chapter will even help him understand her better.

Whether it’s a question about switching to public school, or any other question that comes up during his dating period, do not turn a question mark into a red flag. A question mark simply means “I don’t know enough yet.” A red flag means, “I have learned something that genuinely concerns me.” Those are not the same thing.

Right now, there’s a question mark. So let him continue to ask questions. Let him listen. Let him observe. Let him get to know her. And if she’s someone with whom he can envision building the kind of Jewish home he wants, then the fact that she once attended public school should not automatically stand in the way. In shidduchim, we have to be careful not to reject people for the chapters of their lives that we haven’t yet taken the time to understand. Because sometimes the chapter that looks unusual on paper is the very chapter that taught them resilience, compassion, and strength. So, don’t close the book after reading one chapter. The story has only just begun! 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].