DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

I recently listened to the 5TJT podcast in which you were interviewed by Esta and Larry Gordon and something you said really stayed with me. You spoke about shadchanus as a “mitzvah” and the importance of helping people find their zivug. I was particularly interested when you mentioned that when you first began doing shadchanus, you sought out mentors and learned from people who had experience in the field.

I recently retired from the Board of Education. Over the years, I have made a few shidduchim and am now seriously considering becoming involved in shadchanus on a much larger scale and perhaps even making it a full-time pursuit. But I have two questions. If shadchanus is a mitzvah, shouldn’t a shadchan be doing it simply for the mitzvah? Why should a shadchan expect to be paid when a couple gets married? And if shadchanim are doing this as a mitzvah, why do some become upset when people criticize them? Shouldn’t someone who is doing a mitzvah be willing to accept criticism? I would really appreciate your thoughts before I decide whether to pursue shadchanus professionally.

Response

Thank you for your thoughtful question. You have raised an issue that goes far beyond whether a shadchan should be paid or whether a shadchan should accept criticism. It is a conversation we need to have about how we treat shadchanim.

We talk constantly about the shidduch crisis. We talk about singles who are struggling, parents who are frustrated, and the need for more people to become shadchanim. And I agree. We need more people willing to get involved. But there is another question we should be asking: What are we doing to the people who are already trying to help? There are times when shadchanim are not merely unappreciated: people are actually taking advantage of them. Unfortunately, the very fact that shadchanus is a mitzvah is used as an excuse for that behavior. A mitzvah does not mean that the shadchan’s time has no value. Before I go on, I want to clarify that when I’m talking about shadchanus, I’m not referring to the people on some of the hundreds of WhatsApp chat groups who randomly forward resumes like a bad chain letter. Those who have been practicing shadchanus know exactly what I’m talking about.

Let’s begin with your first question. Is shadchanus a mitzvah? Absolutely. I believe that helping two people meet and build a Jewish home is one of the most meaningful things a person can do. But I don’t believe that just because it’s a mitzvah it can’t also be a profession. These two concepts are not mutually exclusive. A person can love educating children and still get a salary for teaching them. A person can genuinely want to help people and still charge for professional services as a therapist. A person can devote an entire career to helping people and receive a salary for it. The same is true for shadchanus. The important distinction is between motivation and compensation.

If someone becomes a shadchan because they see it as an easy way to make money, they may quickly become disappointed. Shadchanus requires tremendous patience, persistence, judgment, networking, and emotional investment. The money should not be the reason someone cares. But that doesn’t mean the work has no monetary value.

There are different models of shadchan compensation, and I think this deserves clarification because people sometimes speak about “shidduch gelt” (the shadchan’s fee) as if there is only one model. Different shadchanim operate differently, and they should clarify their expectations.

There is the traditional success-fee model where a shadchan makes the introduction, either via a personal introduction or via a singles event, where the couple meets and gets married. Jewish law views a shadchan as a professional broker, and there is a legal obligation to pay them, but the exact amount is dictated by community standards, unless an amount is agreed to beforehand. The fee may be paid by one side or divided between the parties, depending on the arrangement and applicable community standards. A shadchan should not have to chase someone after the wedding to find out whether the couple is going to honor their agreement or obligation.

There is also the volunteer model, where some people make shidduchim entirely as a chesed. They don’t charge. They don’t expect anything. They simply want to help. That is beautiful. But we have to be careful not to turn that personal choice into a universal expectation. I need to point out that just because a shadchan chooses to make shidduchim as a volunteer does not absolve the couple from gifting the shadchan. The shadchan can refuse or instead forward it to tzedakah. 

Then there’s the professional model where they devote significant time to this objective by maintaining databases, interviewing singles, networking with other shadchanim, researching suggestions, making introductions and providing follow-up. In this example, they act like professional brokers and typically have a defined fee structure before they accept a client. But of these two models, there isn’t necessarily one correct model. The important thing is clarity, honesty and appropriate expectations. Where there are halachic questions concerning compensation, these should be discussed with a qualified rav. But I would never tell someone that accepting legitimate compensation automatically diminishes the mitzvah aspect. 

The bigger problem is entitlement, and this is where I become concerned. For example, when people believe that just because shadchanus is a mitzvah, they are entitled to the shadchan’s time at all hours of the day and night. A shadchan’s willingness to help is out of kindness. It’s not an unlimited subscription. Consider what sometimes happens: a shadchan spends hours thinking about a single guy or young lady, accepts and makes phone calls, asks questions, considers compatibility, and finally comes up with a suggestion. The person says no. That’s perfectly fine. The shadchan goes back and searches again. Another no. And then another no. Eventually the person begins asking: “What else do you have?” “Don’t you have anyone better?” “Is that all you have?” At some point, people have to stop and ask themselves whether they’re asking for help or demanding a service. A shadchan isn’t a vending machine. There isn’t an endless supply of appropriate people waiting to come out every time somebody asks. Every suggestion represents time and thought. And sometimes the most responsible thing a shadchan can say is: “I don’t have an appropriate suggestion for you right now.” That’s not a failure. It may be professionalism.

There is also something I wish more people understood, and I’m directing this towards singles and parents reading the Dating Forum. If a shadchan is working with you, please communicate with them. If you received a suggestion, respond. If you’re not interested, say so. If you went out and don’t want to continue, provide appropriate feedback so the shadchan is on the same page. If your circumstances have changed, let the shadchan know. Don’t disappear and come back months later expecting the shadchan to immediately resume working for you. Shadchanim have lives too. They have responsibilities and other people they are helping. Their time cannot simply be placed on hold until you are ready to need them again.

This is another issue that deserves attention. A shadchan makes an introduction. The couple begins dating. Suddenly the shadchan becomes the person everyone demands answers from. “Why didn’t he call?” “What do you think she meant?” “Can you speak to her?” “Can you find out what he’s thinking?” “Can you convince him to give her another chance?” Before long, the shadchan is being asked to serve as therapist, mediator, relationship counselor, and crisis manager. There are certainly shadchanim who are also trained coaches and who can provide these services professionally. But making an introduction does not automatically make the shadchan responsible for managing the relationship. It’s great if the shadchan is willing to do that, but it’s not a given that this is something they are expected to do.

There’s another misconception that causes unnecessary resentment. A shadchan can make what appears to be an excellent suggestion. The couple meets, but there’s no chemistry. That doesn’t necessarily mean the shadchan failed. People have free will. People have preferences. People have emotions. People discover things about their date only after they meet. A shadchan cannot manufacture attraction. A shadchan cannot make someone emotionally ready for marriage. A shadchan cannot force two people to communicate. And a shadchancannot control how someone behaves on a date, regardless of what transpires. People are also not always truthful with the shadchan. The shadchan can make the introduction. The couple determines what happens next. That distinction is essential.

Now let’s address criticism. Should shadchanim accept criticism? Yes. A shadchan is not infallible. A shadchan can make mistakes or misunderstand what someone is looking for. Sometimes a suggestion isn’t appropriate, or sometimes a situation could have been handled better. A professional should be able to hear legitimate feedback. But there’s a tremendous difference between criticism and disrespect. There’s a difference between: “I don’t think this person is right for me” and “How could you possibly think this person was appropriate for me?” There’s a difference between giving respectful feedback like “I was disappointed in how this was handled” and attacking someone’s character. There’s a difference between accountability and humiliation. We should absolutely hold shadchanim accountable when appropriate. But singles and parents should also hold themselves accountable for how they speak to people who are trying to help them. Doing a mitzvah doesn’t make someone immune to being hurt.

Shadchanim have feelings, and sometimes they can be deeply hurt by the way they’re treated. The fact that someone is doing a mitzvah does not mean that person has suddenly stopped being human. In fact, if someone is giving their time to help another person, shouldn’t we be even more careful about how we treat them? This is the part that I think deserves the most attention. The person who cares the most is often the person people feel safest taking advantage of. They know the shadchan will probably try again. They know the shadchan will probably forgive the rude comment. They know the shadchan genuinely wants to see them married. And little by little, generosity becomes expectation. Expectation becomes entitlement. And entitlement can become exploitation. That is not what a mitzvah is supposed to produce. Chessed means giving. It does not mean giving someone permission to take. If we want more shadchanim, we have to protect the ones we have.

If you’re seriously considering becoming a shadchan, I would encourage you to explore it before committing. Your life experience can be an enormous asset. But please enter the field with both a big heart and strong boundaries. Find mentors. Learn from experienced shadchanim. Learn how to interview. Learn how to evaluate compatibility. Learn how to handle sensitive information. Learn how to communicate with singles and parents. Learn how to deal with rejection. And learn when to step back. Don’t assume that being a good shadchan means saying yes to everyone. You can care deeply and still say: “I don’t have an appropriate suggestion.” You can be generous and still say: “I can’t speak right now.” You can want to help and still say: “That is outside the service I provide.” And you can be a baalas chesed without allowing someone to mistreat you. Boundaries don’t diminish kindness. They preserve it.

One final thought. I don’t think the question is whether shadchanus is a mitzvah or a profession. For many people, it can be both. The profession is the time, expertise, experience, and labor required to do that work. A volunteer shadchan deserves appreciation. A professional shadchan deserves appropriate compensation. A shadchan who makes a mistake deserves constructive feedback. And every shadchan deserves to be treated with dignity. Singles deserve compassion. Parents deserve understanding. Shadchanim deserve compassion and understanding, too. Ultimately, the mitzvah is to help another person find their bashert and build a Jewish home, and for that they deserve tremendous appreciation. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].