DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

I was invited for a Shabbos meal by the parents of a boy I’m dating very seriously. I always knew his father had a sense of humor from the times I met him, and that he could be a jokester. But something happened at the Shabbos meal that bothers me greatly.

We all went to wash for hamotzi, and it took a few minutes till everyone came back from the kitchen and sat down. His father turned to me and deliberately tried to make me talk so I would have to wash again. Everyone was laughing. I know it was just a prank, but it bothered me. What really made it worse was that afterwards the boy told me that I’m being too sensitive and that I can’t take a joke. I get that he doesn’t want to be chutzpadik to his father, but shouldn’t he at least understand why I felt bad and was so embarrassed? I’m having second thoughts about him now. What do you think? Am I overreacting?

Response

No, I don’t think you’re overreacting. This might appear as a small incident, but I’m going to tell you something that may surprise you. I don’t think his father’s joke is the real issue here.

The real issue is far more serious. In fact, if you’re asking me if I think you should end a relationship with a young man because his father made a silly joke at the Shabbos table, my answer would be no. Some families have a very playful style of communicating, and what one person considers hilarious, another person finds uncomfortable. The father may have genuinely thought he was being funny. He may not have intended to embarrass you whatsoever. Please understand that I’m not in any way minimizing what his father did to you, particularly to a guest that is not accustomed to such humor. I’ve seen this sort of trick played on people, and quite frankly it’s not the most tasteful prank. But something much more important happened after the joke.

You told the guy you’re dating that you were hurt and he dismissed your feelings—that’s worth paying attention to. There is a profound difference between saying, “My father was only joking and he didn’t mean anything by it, but I understand why you felt uncomfortable” and saying, “You’re too sensitive. You can’t take a joke.” The first response is empathy. The second is dismissive. And when you’re deciding whether someone is marriage-material, how they respond to your feelings is far more important than whether his father has a warped sense of humor.

Let’s be very clear about something. The guy did not have to agree with you. He did not have to tell you that his father was wrong, and he did not have to confront his father. He did not have to choose you over his father either. All he had to do was understand that you experienced the situation differently than he did. That’s not asking too much. Imagine five years from now and the two of you are married. You have an uncomfortable interaction with his mother and you come home upset. You tell your husband about it and what do you want him to say? “You’re too sensitive. My mother was only joking” or “I know my mother didn’t mean anything by it, but I understand why it bothered you.” These two responses create two very different marriages. And that’s why I wouldn’t dismiss this incident. Not because the father’s joke was so awkward, but because small moments often reveal big patterns.

I talk a lot about patterns in detecting potential issues, because it’s the patterns of behavior that singles need to pay attention to. Dating isn’t just about finding someone with whom you have chemistry; it’s about observing how that person behaves when things aren’t going perfectly. How does he handle disagreement? How does he react when you’re upset? Does he become defensive? Does he minimize? Does he tell you that you’re overreacting? Can he see another person’s perspective?

Can he say, “I don’t feel the same way, but I understand why you feel that way”? These are not minor personality traits. They are foundational marriage skills.

There’s another issue here that deserves serious consideration: his relationship with his parents. A man should love and respect his parents, and you should want that. In fact, you should absolutely not be looking for a husband who will disrespect his parents every time you have an uncomfortable interaction with them. But there is a difference between respecting one’s parents and being incapable of setting emotional boundaries with them. Setting boundaries with one’s parents in terms of how they are expected to relate to a spouse or future spouse is not chutzpah. That’s maturity. And the same principle applies to the woman. You don’t want to become the wife who interprets every joke from her in-laws as an attack and expects her husband to immediately declare her the winner. That isn’t healthy either. You want a husband who can stand in the middle and say, “I love my family, and I love you. I’m not going to turn this into a war. But I also don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” That’s the man you want!

I wouldn’t advise you to break up with the guy over this incident. I would advise you to have another conversation with him. Don’t argue with him about whether his father was funny. Don’t try to prove that his father embarrassed you. Don’t demand that he admit his father was wrong. Instead, tell him what actually concerns you. Here’s what you can say: “I’m not asking you to take my side against your father. I understand that he was joking. What hurt me more was that when I told you I was embarrassed, you told me I was too sensitive. I’m not looking for you to attack your father. I need to know that if we’re married and something hurts me, I’ll be able to come to you and you will listen without making me feel foolish for having those feelings.” Then watch what happens.

His response to that conversation is the real test. If he says, “I understand. I was defensive because it was my father, but I should have listened to you,” that’s a very good sign. It means he is capable of reflection, and it means he can learn. It means this may have been nothing more than a poor reaction in an uncomfortable moment. But if he continues to tell you that you’re too sensitive, that you can’t take a joke, that you need to “get used to” his family’s personality, or that your feelings are the problem, then I would take a step back. Because today’s issue is a Shabbos joke. Tomorrow’s issue could be something much bigger. And if every time you express hurt, your spouse’s response is to explain why you shouldn’t be hurt, you will eventually stop bringing your feelings to him. That’s when a marriage becomes lonely.

There is a phrase I wish more people understood before they get married or when relating to people in general. Validation is not agreement. If you tell me, “I’m hurt,” I don’t have to agree that the other person did something wrong. I can say: “I understand that you’re hurt.” That’s enough. And when someone cares about you, they should want to understand—not simply win the argument by turning it around and making you out to be the problem.

There is also a lesson here for you. Don’t be too quick to label yourself “too sensitive.” That phrase is thrown around far too casually. Of course, there are people who genuinely are overly sensitive. There are also people who interpret innocent comments as personal attacks. Nobody should enter marriage expecting their spouse or in-laws to walk on eggshells. But sensitivity itself isn’t a character flaw. A sensitive person may simply notice things that someone else doesn’t notice. The goal isn’t to eliminate sensitivity. The goal is to learn how to communicate about it maturely.

Likewise, being able to take a joke is a wonderful quality. But being able to take a joke doesn’t mean you have to laugh at every joke. And saying, “That made me uncomfortable,” doesn’t mean you’re demanding that everyone else agree with you. It means you’re communicating, and communication is essential in a marriage.

Please don’t make a life-changing decision because his father tried to get you to talk after washing. Instead, use this incident as an opportunity to learn something much more important about the guy. Can he hear you? Can he disagree with you without dismissing you? Can he love his parents without making you feel that you will always come second? Can he protect his relationship with you without disrespecting his family? And perhaps most importantly, when you’re vulnerable enough to say, “That hurt me,” can he react compassionately and be understanding, or tell you that you shouldn’t have felt hurt in the first place?

The biggest lesson here is that the father may have been joking. But the guy’s response was not a joke. And that is the part of this story I would take with firm and deep seriousness. Before you marry someone, don’t just observe how he treats you when everything is wonderful. Watch what happens when you are hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, or upset. Those moments often reveal the person you are actually marrying. The right man doesn’t have to agree with every feeling you have. But he should make you feel safe enough to have them. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].