A Seat For Every Child: Bringing Kids Of Divorce Back To Shul

By: Ava Schwartz

With the Yomim Noraim approaching, many families look forward to shul as a place of connection and inspiration. Unfortunately, for single parents and their children, going to shul is often a pain point. Where will their children sit on the other side of the mechitzah? Who will guide them? How will they relate to davening if they feel alone in a place meant for community?

Children of divorced parents often display lower levels of religious engagement than their peers. There are many possible explanations, but one is remarkably practical: often, a child from a divorced home simply has no place in shul. This situation is especially difficult for mothers and their young sons: In a 2022 study of divorced, Orthodox women, conducted by the OU Center for Communal Research and Sister to Sister, 43% of the women indicated that they have their children every night. The absence of a father in the home makes it particularly challenging for women to provide their sons with the informal religious education that a male role model can. One mother shared that her son “doesn’t want to sit alone in shul but feels awkward when people he doesn’t have a relationship with offer.”

In response to these challenges, the OU developed Makom Kavuah, a shul mentor program to ensure that every child has a place in shul and a trusted adult to guide them. The shul mentors are handpicked, trained, and professionally supported so they can accompany and support boys and girls who would otherwise sit alone or simply stay home.

The initiative was inspired in part by the story of Avi, when a brief encounter at five years old changed his life.

He and his brother were playing outside their Flatbush home with their recently divorced mother when a Chassidic man walked by and asked, “Who’s taking your sons to shul?” Before the mother could answer, the man offered to bring the boys himself and find someone for them to sit with.

That Shabbos morning, the Chassid seated Avi with Michael, a father of five. Michael showed Avi the place in the Siddur, encouraged him to take short breaks when he needed to release energy, and afterward brought him to kiddush to make sure he had something to eat. From then on, Avi loved going to shul. (All names have been changed to protect privacy).

Over time, Michael became far more than a seatmate; he became a mentor. More than thirty years later, Avi still calls Michael to discuss major decisions and life challenges.

There is no shortage of children like Avi in our communities, and Makom Kavuah ensures that each one can have the same positive impact of a hand reaching out to help them, saying “I see you. You belong here just as much as any other kid.”

To protect the physical and emotional wellbeing of this vulnerable population, Makom Kavuah worked with Debbie Fox, a licensed social worker at the Magen Yeladim Institute to develop comprehensive safety protocols for shul mentors, including a captain who oversees and checks in on each mentoring relationship. Rabbi Yaakov Glasser, managing director of communal engagement at the Orthodox Union and rabbi of Young Israel of Passaic-Clifton, crafted guidance to help mentors strike the proper educational and spiritual balance. Finally, together they created a simple, step-by-step framework to help shul leadership implement the program.

Makom Kavuah is the latest offering from Kol Echad, the OU’s umbrella initiative for singles, widows, divorcees, and their families. Through education, guidance, and practical tools, Kol Echad partners with Orthodox communities to translate their values into inclusive structures and practices, creating communities where single and divorced individuals, widows, widowers, and single parents and their children are recognized, respected, supported, and able to fully participate in Jewish communal life.