Am I Being A Nosy Neighbor?

Dear Esther,

I’m writing to you about my next-door neighbors. I’m really concerned that something terrible might be going on behind their closed doors, and I really don’t know what to do.

My husband and I are not what you would call good friends with these neighbors. They moved in a couple of years ago and are a good 15 years younger than us. They have young children; our children are teenagers. When I see the wife around, I’m always friendly and say hello. She seems like a nice woman, but she keeps her distance. She never looks particularly happy to me, and I get the feeling she’s not comfortable really even seeing me; she tends to keep our neighborly chats very short and sweet. The husband, on the other hand, gives me the creeps. He looks and sounds like a bully. I’ve never had a conversation with him, but I find him intimidating and, though he and my husband daven at different shuls, my husband has had one or more conversations with him and finds him very tough and difficult.

Sometimes, when the children are leaving for school and the front door is open, you can hear the husband screaming at the children and at his wife. In fact, in the summer, when the windows are open, I’ll hear a tremendous amount of yelling coming from their house. I’m not a snoop by nature, but you can’t help hearing what’s going on there.

Lately, the wife looks to me particularly downtrodden, and for some reason I get the feeling that he might be physically abusing her. I have no actual proof, but their body language, when I see the two of them together, tells me that she’s uncomfortable around him and nervous. Maybe my mind is working overtime and I’m creating this drama in my head, but usually my instincts are very good. When I get a feeling about something, I’m often correct.

I’m wondering what I should do. Since I’m not at all close to this woman, is it appropriate for me to approach her about this theory of mine and find out if there is any truth to it? She seems so vulnerable to me and I’m worried about her. If something, G-d forbid, happened to her, I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t offer my help at this stage. My husband thinks I should mind my own business and let them work things out for themselves. Recently, when I was discussing with my husband my theory about physical abuse, he told me to “get a life.”

Do you agree with my husband? Should I just ignore the situation and let it be? Am I just being too much of a snoop? What are your thoughts?

The Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

I suppose the first issue that should be addressed here is whether there is any validity to your husband’s belief that you need a life. Are you finding yourself way too curious about others as a way of not dealing with your own life and issues? People sometimes do that. It’s a great distraction to worry about what’s wrong with others, so that you don’t have to look too deeply at your own stuff. Could that be happening here?

None of us really know what’s happening behind anyone’s closed doors. Even people we think we are very close to, or people who appear to be the perfect couple or perfect family. How often do we all suddenly hear news about a couple getting divorced, despite the fact that they seemed to be the absolutely perfect couple? You just never know.

The fact that there is a great deal of yelling going on by your neighbors is not a good thing—for the couple and certainly not for their children. However, that does not mean that it’s anything more than yelling. Yelling doesn’t necessarily translate into physical abuse. And as far as the “vulnerable” state your neighbor appears to be in all the time, there are hundreds of possible reasons to account for her appearance.

Though I do not believe you should knock on your neighbor’s door and say, “Hi, how’s everything? Are you being physically abused?” I do think it would be a good idea to try and bring them into your lives, so that if, by some stretch of the imagination, your theory is correct, she knows she has someone nearby to turn to and feel safe with. Though there is a big age difference between you, there is nothing wrong with inviting them over for Shabbos meals or holidays. If you can, you might consider offering to watch their children if they are ever in a pinch, or offering some other favors. There are many ways to show her that you care. Work on developing a relationship with them. Whatever reason is causing her to appear “vulnerable” may be reason enough for her to benefit from a relationship with you. It sounds like you enjoy getting involved and rescuing people. Whatever you might be rescuing her from is worthy of your efforts. Maybe she and her husband need to learn how to be married and get along without all the yelling. Perhaps you and your husband can model for them what a relaxed, loving household looks like.

Should you discover that there is abuse, the situation changes dramatically and you should be aware of resources to share with her. Have the phone number of the Shalom Task Force handy (888-883-2323), in case you have to call them or, more importantly, for your neighbor to use. Under those circumstances, it could be the most important call she will ever make.

I know that your intentions are good, and this concern you’re having can lead to good things, both within yourself and in your relationship with your neighbors. Always be careful to use your curiosity for good things, but be cautious not to let your imagination run wild. That could be risky business and get you into more trouble than you can imagine. Good luck.

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. Esther is a psychotherapist and life coach and can be reached at 516-314-2295 or [email protected]. She works with individuals, couples, premarital couples, and families.