Countdown To Purim

By: Anessa Cohen

As Purim approaches, writing a serious article seemed out of place for this column, so here are a couple of mini-spiels (source unknown) I have saved over the years.

Editorial from the Housing Minister of Israel

It often amuses me to hear people describe the housing problem in Israel as a “recent development.” Housing problems have been a tradition in Judaism throughout the ages.

As far back as the dawn of man, Adam and Eve lost their lease on a very choice piece of property. From then on, the curse of housing problems has accompanied us. Since the early days of ancient Hebrews, when our ancestors were forced to live in sukkot while wandering through the desert, housing problems have been part and parcel of Jewish life.

Even when Hashem spoke of His love for the Jewish people and His desire to be with them, it was not without a stipulation. Hashem’s wishes were clearly stated: “And you should build me a house that I may dwell among them.” Our sages were puzzled by this request, as it is a well-known fact that Hashem was entitled to both rental assistance and a housing loan through the Ministry of Absorption. Nevertheless, this point is answered quite astutely by someone by reminding us that 1) He is “single” and 2) He wanted to live in Jerusalem!

David, mighty king of Israel (and always one to seize a good opportunity) heard of Hashem’s new housing project and got all excited. Upon hearing that the project would not go up until the time of his son Shlomo, David became depressed and took another wife.

This problem was passed down from Biblical times to our generation. Even with all our problems, we still won’t settle for less. Wasn’t Herzl almost lynched because he couldn’t get good housing in the Holy Land and opted for cheap coops in Uganda (which even then was a miserable neighborhood)?

Today, as more Jews leave their condos in the West, fleeing oppression in the antisemitic lands, the housing problem is worse than ever before. But you can rest assured that we at the Ministry of Housing are working even harder than our forefathers to solve the problem with our plans for Israeli branches of Trump, Lefrak, and Mitchell Lama housing so we’ll be ready for the great influx when Mashiach arrives, bimheirah b’yameinu! 

Yeshiva Boy Suffocates in Polyester Suit

Fifteen-year-old Sholom Azel of Williamsburg was hospitalized last night for near suffocation after wearing his weekday polyester suit for three consecutive days. Azel began to feel stiffness around the shoulders and neckline, which he attributed to a “pull” in the material as a result of his swaying during davening, according to his friends.

That the cause was more serious became clear when Azel recited Shemoneh Esrei. As he bent his knees in prayer, his body jerked forward and his arms froze in outstretched supplication. Azel remained in that position until after Ma’ariv that evening, when friends realized something was wrong.

Hatzolah rushed him to the hospital still in that position, and the patient was released after one night and a generous helping of hamantashen!

Happy Purim Everyone! 

Anessa Cohen lives in Cedarhurst and is a Licensed Real Estate Broker (Anessa V Cohen Realty) with over 20 years of experience offering full service real estate residential, commercial, and management services. She can be reached at 516-569-5007. Readers are encouraged to send any questions or scenarios by email to [email protected].