Crying Shame

Years ago, a woman came to my office with a problem. She had been crying for 32 years. Her face had rivulets and creases where the continuous stream of tears had left its mark. She had seen various professionals who looked at her eyes, her hormones, her brain, and her skin. She could not stop crying although she had had relatively few losses in her life which might explain or trigger her tears.

More than once, I have had people come to my office, both male and female, who have not cried. They have gone through loss, trauma, or difficult experiences, yet they have never cried. They are curious and concerned about their “failure” to cry.

Some people just don’t cry. What is that about? After all—and I have written in an earlier article about the science and function of human tears—crying is usually a healthy and necessary response to the build-up of distress in the brain. So why do some people not cry?

Sometimes, it has to do with shame and the social stigma attached to crying. Some of us have become conditioned or at least convinced that crying is a sign of weakness or immaturity. Crying does not fit our image or society’s expectation that men should remain tough, even macho, or that we are supposed to display an overt belief and trust that everything comes from Hashem and is therefore good. Sometimes that display of faith is confused with the English idea of the “stiff upper lip,” i.e. always displaying self-restraint, emotional control, and courage during difficult times. Sometimes, however, it is a form of posturing when we may not have thought deeply about whether crying is inconsistent with having trust in Hashem. Sometimes crying is simply crying; it does not necessarily signify that we lack faith in Hashem. But wherever one falls on the belief continuum, crying sometimes just does not happen.

For some of us, not crying can indicate a medical or physical condition, or a reaction to medication. For others, it can be a symptom of depression. There are people who have an “empty mood” or “flat affect” when depressed, and their sadness does not show up through normal channels, including shedding tears. Others have learned not to cry because of past trauma, such as when they were forced to refrain from crying because a trauma made it dangerous to speak up.

People can bury or suppress tears for years, despite being triggered later by events or losses. I have worked with survivors of trauma, including Holocaust victims who still cannot allow themselves to cry. I have worked with victims whose response to fear or loss is a quick smile plastered across their face even when their eyes are showing terror at the memory of that event.

Some people need time before they are able to access tears. They may have many stresses or obligations which make it difficult for them to make time for self-care. They deprive themselves of the outlet of crying because others need them. The responsibilities of children, jobs, and spouses force them to divert their focus from their own pain. Months and years can pass, causing the suppressed emotions to sink into an abyss from which they may or may not emerge one day. Catching one’s tears may be like catching one’s breath when in a hurry. Eventually if life slows down, we can regather ourselves. Or not.

One can never know what it will take to bring their tears to the surface. It can be triggered by a date on the calendar, the memory of an event, a glimpse at a picture, the strains of a familiar tune, visiting a certain place, a random event, a dream, an encounter with something or someone which the brain links to that suppressed experience, or the space and freedom to allow one’s emotions to register and express themselves. In the Book of Lamentations (Eichah 1:2) the prophet employs the image of “crying at night” in order to portray how night is when we are alone with no distractions. This can be the ideal time—or perhaps the only time—when it is possible, and safe, to allow the tears to flow.

Tears are normal and generally healthy. When they arise, we must accept and respect them. When they do not surface, there are usually other factors at work limiting our attentiveness to the emotions deeper within. One need not pathologize the non-crier just as one must not stigmatize the crier. The mind, the body, and the heart have much work to do. We do our best when we are self-aware and acknowledge our thoughts and feelings. To do otherwise is truly a crying shame. n

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.