DATING FORUM

Question

I know you have a lot experience helping singles, so I want to know what you think guys are looking for, in a general way. I get it that they want a girl who is pretty, thin, and has a great personality. I also get it that their parents want a girl with money and yichus. I have all those things but I still can’t get a guy to like me because of weird things that come up. I was just redt to a guy and we went out. On the date he asked me if I was pro-vaccination or anti-vaccination. And then he asked me if I ever received the Covid vaccination. I told him I had. He said he was sorry to hear that and he was fired from a job because he refused to be vaccinated and he suffered a long bout of unemployment because of it, and it took him a long time to find a job again. Before I could ask him any questions, he wanted to know if I planned to vaccinate any future children. I told him that yes, I would. Right away he ended the date, and he told me that we are not meant for each other, and he’s looking for a girl that is against vaccinating. He even told me that if I know someone, I should set him up with her! Is this a real thing now? If so, people should just have it on their résumés or tell their shadchan that they are anti-vaxxers. I heard that some do, and I think everyone should, just like when guys write that they want a girl who is pretty and thin.

Response

Not only do some people indicate that they are anti-vaxxers, there are shidduch groups designed specifically for anti-vaxxers. I once asked a young man why he is against dating someone who’d had the Covid jab and he told me that he was concerned with how long it stays in the system and there was a possibility it could affect any future children who are born. Not long after that, I introduced two older singles in their mid-60s, both of whom had been previously married. They went out a few times and felt they were compatible. But later the woman called me to tell me she is breaking up with the gentleman because he’d had the Covid vaccine. I immediately shared with her the conversation I’d had with the young man who was concerned about his future children, but since she was not going to have any more children, why would she end a relationship with someone who was so obviously compatible? The woman danced around her response, but the gist of it is that she feels very strongly about this issue and she’s not budging.

Politics and other conflicting core values are becoming major reasons for declining dates and ending relationships. You listed factors such as attraction and family background that guys are looking for, and you rightfully assumed that since you possess these elements, finding a compatible guy should be less complicated. If that were so, then every other young lady with similar characteristics would be married. The fact is that whenever I think I’ve heard it all, something new pops up as a reason for people to say no to somebody. It’s not just about being pro- or anti-vaccination for oneself or one’s future children, and it’s not just about politics where a registered Democrat won’t date a Republican. People are using the vaccine issue as a litmus test to determine somebody’s core values. Not only that, but such individuals take it so seriously that one’s stance on these matters is viewed as a reflection of that person’s character to the extent that they frequently influence dating decisions.

I’ve been a shadchan for so long that I don’t necessarily accept what people say at face value anymore. Regardless of whatever excuse singles come up with to decline a match, I truly believe that there are men and women who are not ready to get married due to personal or situational factors regardless of their age. Such people come up with what they believe are reasonable excuses not to go out with a person who might be a good partner, and they also end relationship for similar “excuses” even after both sides have invested much time and energy.

Nobody can force a person to marry or date someone they don’t want to. Just as there are differences in hashkafah and political beliefs, I have to be fair and say that the vaccine issue can be a major obstacle to a compatible relationship, especially where children are involved. Differing views on vaccinations can lead to serious unsolvable conflicts. When one parent wants to vaccinate his child and the other parent is firmly against it, can you imagine the severe tension that could exist in such a household? When it comes to issues regarding health, both parents have to be on the same page. Couples on opposite sides of this issue can also have different world views that will ultimately lead to other major arguments and incompatibilities.

I was once brought into a case of a couple where the guy was a staunch vegetarian and would not allow his wife to eat meat or chicken even outside the home. Since he was okay with eating fish, both sets of parents pushed for an engagement. I had my concerns about this match based on the fact that he wanted to control what his wife ate even outside the home. Moreover, I knew this could create social pressures when attending simchaswhere meat or poultry were served. They ended up getting married, but sadly their marriage ended when the husband insisted on inviting both sides of their families to a Thanksgiving dinner where he instructed the wife to make a tuna salad in the shape of a turkey and serve other vegetarian dishes. At this point, the wife snapped and she left him. Clearly, there was much tension that had been building up for some time for her to end her marriage over what appeared to be her husband’s attempt at humor.

I am sharing this story to give you chizuk the next time a guy rejects you for being a pro-vaxxer or any other value where you differ. It’s not just about one’s scientific opinion or how one views the world, these differences represent core areas that can cause control issues and a lack of trust on both sides.

I say this over and over again: a shidduch is a personal decision. You stated that there are guys who want a girl who is pretty, thin, and has a great personality, and that their parents want a girl that comes from a family that has money and yichus. There are young ladies that demand the same too. But as you just experienced, all these demands are worthless if one of them has another core value that is important. This guy you went out with did away with all the compatibility that you share for one issue that he finds so important. As you can see from my detailed response that when couples disagree on controversial topics, it can lead to increased stress and conflicts in the relationship, ultimately leading to a breakup.

The disappointment you had with this guy can be avoided in the future by doing your own due diligence in checking into this person’s attitudes and beliefs. If it means being upfront about how you feel, I recommend that you do this to save yourself loss of time and emotional energy.

With the way dating goes these days, I recommend that you state your status regarding vaccines on your shidduch résumé, or list it in your description on any dating app you are using. For example, you can use a phrase such as “vaccinations are important to me.” This will indicate that you are looking for a guy whose values align with yours. If you are not comfortable doing that or if you’re not sure if the guy reads everything that someone writes, you can ask that question early on, even if it means via a shadchan or first phone call. Regarding all your other priorities, it sounds like you are not experiencing any serious challenges in finding those features, so with a bit of tweaking on your list of priorities, I am confident that you will iy’H meet your bashert very soon. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].