Kaddish Revisited

By: Larry Gordon

And so, once again, I am one of those voices you hear in shul saying Kaddish at the appropriate times during davening, which is mostly at the conclusion of the service.

As you now know, my brother Binyomin was niftar almost a month ago, so three of us in the family are rotating the recitation of the beautiful tefillah of Kaddish three times each day for his neshamah. I think an important component of the shloshim period, which we are currently observing, is to adjust to the change in our lives by recalling our deceased relative several times a day.

Yes, my brother had three daughters, each in her own right displaying leadership qualities as they raise impressive and remarkable families. But in our tradition, as you know, it is the men who have the obligation of reciting Kaddish for a loved one who has passed, so that is what we are doing.

In this case, as we begin to think about the shloshim, or the 30-day mark since Binyamin ascended to Hashem’s next, great, inexplicable world, three of us are assuming the responsibility for reciting the Kaddish prayer in his merit that proclaims Hashem’s greatness.

Frankly, I miss the days when the entire concept of saying Kaddish was not in my purview. Upon reflection, that idea was a bit unrealistic since at some point in our lives, we’ll all be affected by the changes that losing a loved one makes in our lives and the way we live for a year.

Now that I’m broaching the subject, I have to add that I was always intrigued by the people in shul who, at the end of davening, became the sudden object of interest by everyone present at their recitation of Kaddish. 

One of the saddest things in life is the point during davening when a young, soft voice recites Kaddish. When that happens, you know that whoever the young person is has just endured a tragedy, where there is what I refer to as an “out of order” loss of life. Those who never experienced that sad sight can consider themselves fortunate.

To that end, as you may recall since so much of my life is chronicled in these pages, my son-in-law wasniftar and my two oldest grandsons of my daughter Malkie had to recite Kaddish six years ago. I would join in with them for several reasons. The main one being that I did not want to hear those high-pitched children’s voices saying Kaddish, so I tried a combination of both reciting Kaddish with them and also trying to say it loud enough so their voices would not be so prominent.

Inevitably, wherever we were in shul and it was time for Kaddish, when my two grandsons would start saying the prayer, people would turn around to see where those two young voices were coming from.

Back to the present, the three of us have a little WhatsApp group, with each one responsible for saying Kaddish at one tefillah per day. The objective being that if for some reason one of us can’t say his designated Kaddish, someone else can easily take it over easily.

So, for now, except for the yahrzeits of my parents, Kaddish thankfully is not something that is central to my life. But now that I’m saying it for my brother, I’m finding the old Kaddish challenges to be the same as they used to be. Two of those aspects are the sound level and the speed with which we recite it.

Not to digress too much, but mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has been saying for a while that when he is in office amongst other things, buses are going to be “fast and free.” I understand the buses being free, but what does that have to do with how fast they run?

I heard one news analyst explaining that if no one is stopping to pay the bus fare or flash his MetroCard, then naturally the travel process will become faster. That thought raced through my mind for just a moment when I was in a shul that I don’t normally attend. Not to make light of this situation, I understand that Kaddish is indeed free, but how fast or slow it goes is largely dependent on where and with whom you are davening.

To use another digression, when you say Kaddish in a shul that you’re not used to davening in, you’re like a quarterback walking up to the line of scrimmage, trying to assess the unknown defense against a team you’ve never run any plays. Kaddish can work that way too. First, you need to know how many people in the shul are going to be saying Kaddish along with you. Are these people loud or low? Are they quick in fulfilling this mitzvah, or do they take their time reciting the prayer designed by our sages to facilitate the soul’s entry into the Next World?

Then there is the matter of keeping pace. Ideally, if you and a few other people are saying Kaddish, then you preferably want to do so in unison. That in and of itself very often presents a challenge. I’ve noticed that in some shuls, the people reciting Kaddish gather at the bimah or at some other central location so they can reciteKaddish together without the effort of saying it in unison.

Interestingly, a friend of mine told me that in shuls in Washington Heights, no matter how many people are observing a period of mourning or are in aveilus, just one person in each minyan recites Kaddish while the others respond by saying Amen. In this manner, nothing is discombobulated and they are able to keep order. TheKaddish prayer is heard clearly with everyone responding accordingly.

I only heard about that style of Kaddish a few years ago and all along, I had mixed feelings about it. In a way, it makes sense that everyone who wants to be covered by Kaddish is covered. On the other hand, those who want to say Kaddish for a parent, for example, are kind of deprived of that distinction and opportunity. But then again, what kind of zechus is there if everyone is talking or davening at the same time at different speeds and volume levels?

In any event, I am currently sharing the Kaddish responsibility with my brother Yossy and my brother’s son-in-law, my nephew, Rabbi Yossi Bennett. Binyomin is well-covered as far as Kaddish is concerned. We are taking care of him to the extent that we can. And hopefully and assuredly, he’s watching over us as well and on that score, we know that we’re in good hands. n

Read more of Larry Gordon’s articles at 5TJT.com. Follow 5 Towns Jewish Times on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter for updates and live videos. Comments, questions, and suggestions are welcome at 5TJT.com and on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.