Limitless Possibilities

Someone approached me the other night with an observation. Our generation grew up with discipline. Our parents taught us to respect boundaries, to respect adults, to refrain from inappropriate behavior, to not break curfew, to not use profanity, to not argue with authority, and to not act with entitlement.

Life may have seemed rough back then, and kids were often disgruntled at being given limits (the person who approached me said that most of us didn’t like being told what we could or could not say or do), but we were resigned to the rules set by parents and our authority figures, which included teachers, rabbis, storekeepers, our friends’ parents, and other adults.

We had boundaries, and we knew there were disciplinary consequences for disregarding those boundaries. This was the observation he shared with me. He went on by commenting that today’s parents generally do not raise their children with as many rules and boundaries as in prior generations. The youth are more casual; they are not burdened with rules. They are not top-heavy with dos and don’ts the way many of us were at their age. When our child gets in trouble at school or does poorly on a test, some of us reprimand the teacher or argue with the school. We are not as focused on teaching structure and consequence. But he also observed that for the most part, today’s kids look happier. They seem to take life easier. They have fun. We emphasize happiness and want our kids to enjoy life. As children, many of us were not that casual and carefree. School was serious and was meant to be taken seriously. Synagogue services were serious. Being courteous and polite was serious, even with adults whom we barely knew. But he declared that we were not as happy in those days. Happiness was not always a value that was stressed or emphasized. In fact, it may have been a value which was not really valued or well defined. Was it worth it to grow up with discipline and structured rules? Was our quality of life better? Were we able to enjoy childhood or was childhood a series of tasks, responsibilities, and consequences, with occasional, measured and nuanced fun? 

I think about how our late rosh kollel, Rav Chaim Fasman zt”l, lamented that as a child, the weekly Shabbos youth group program in his boyhood shul was “a pretzel and a Nazi”: every Shabbos afternoon, someone would tell a scary Holocaust story then offer simple snacks to the boys in shul. That was their “fun.”

I reflected on my own upbringing. We never had household help. My mother a”h did the laundry. We took turns washing dishes, setting the table, making our own beds, and emptying the trash. Bedtime meant lights out after I read for a while. Mealtimes were set and were family events. We were trained to say please, thank you, good Shabbos, good morning and good night. We did not argue with adults or disrespect teachers. We did our best in school and accepted it as a necessary part of life. And we had fun, although it was probably simpler fun, because even fun had limitations and involved respecting others. Were we less happy than today’s youth, including our own children and our grandchildren?

I see that our youth do things we did not do. None of us had free access to a car. We did not take vacations or travel without our parents and siblings. We were usually not into style and fashion, and clothing was not an overly valued commodity. We had no personal credit cards because back then, there were no credit cards. Smoking was at most a furtive practice not done in front of adults, and drinking fine liquor was not on our to-do list. Working out meant our school’s mandatory P.E. period or recess. We did not belong to gyms. We danced at simchas, but it was mostly the “yeshivish shuffle” rather than choreographed line dancing. The music was only the backdrop for singing and dancing and not the loud avantgarde central attraction at an event. Looking back, I think we indeed had fun. But I concede that today’s youth do seem to have a higher degree of happiness. 

But, is there a correlation between joy and boundaries? Is the casual cheerfulness of today’s youth in some way connected to having fewer limitations set for them? Do fewer consequences and less discipline unburden the mind so that young people can freely test the limits, embarking on hedonistic pursuits because they can? Is there an inverse correlation between boundaries and happiness? Or should both be promoted and coexist?

Can we impress upon our children that respecting others, adhering to personal boundaries, while being respectful and understanding of the needs of others are necessary, healthy, and essential values that do not negate our right to self-determination and the pursuit of happiness? For children to understand and respect the concept of boundaries and their importance, they must first develop both greater empathy for other’s rights, and self-awareness and respect for their own rights. A good rule of thumb is a healthy relationship is one in which your boundaries are respected, and in unhealthy relationships, the opposite is true.

I leave the reader to ponder this question and will be writing a sequel and series on this topic in the coming weeks. Meanwhile, I will end with a question: Do we know when we are overstepping an interpersonal boundary and when our own boundaries have been violated? 

Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at www.chailifeline.org/crisis.