MINDBIZ

Dear Esther,

Several years ago, my husband and I met a couple when we were away on vacation. They seemed very nice, and we all got along well and spent quite a bit of time together during this particular trip. It turned out that we all lived in the same community, and we agreed that we would get together after we got back to our homes.

We tried to connect with them back home, but somehow it never worked out. We learned later on that they spent time with some mutual friends, but they did not include us. We also heard that they made a party and did not include us.

At one point, I called the woman just to say “hello,” and got an earful about some of the things we did that hurt their feelings. It sounded to me like crazy talk, particularly since my husband and I had gone out of our way for these two people on several occasions. We therefore determined that they were the kind of people for whom getting along with takes heroic efforts, and we decided it wasn’t worth having anything to do with them and that we’d move on. I’ve known a few of people in my life who ultimately were impossible to please, and I wasn’t about to go down that road again.

Also, my husband, Jerry, bumped into the man at a supermarket recently, and he very clearly snubbed my husband. Jerry is a very warm and friendly guy, and he was really shocked.

Sadly, we just heard that the woman died. We knew that she was one of a number of women in the Jewish community who, unfortunately, had struggled with a serious illness for a number of years, but when we knew this couple, she looked and seemed great. We feel so awful, and I innocently asked my husband when we should go to pay a shivah call to the husband. Jerry said that he is absolutely not going, because he was treated so poorly on more than a few occasions. Jerry is the kind of guy who always does the right thing, so you can imagine my surprise when he refused to go.

I got very annoyed at Jerry’s response and am not sure what to do now. Does he have a point that I am somehow missing here? Am I not being sensitive to his needs? I wonder whether I should be supporting my husband’s hurt feelings and not go, be angry at him for his self-involvement, or just go myself.

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

Your letter brings up a number of different issues that all deserve attention. First and foremost, let me say that I believe you should definitely pay a shivah call, with or (hopefully not) without Jerry. And my guess is that when you tell Jerry—without criticism or recrimination—that you are going, he will very likely change his mind and ask you to wait for him to go with you.

No doubt your husband’s feelings were hurt by this couple. However, there are certain moments in life that surely should supersede such momentary hurts. Clearly, someone else’s death is one of them. When the need arises to show respect both for the person who has passed and for those left behind, it is truly a time when one should step outside of oneself and be present for those individuals who are hurting. Paying a shivah call is the right thing to do, and you can never go wrong doing the right thing.

Your letter can serve as an excellent wake-up call for all of us who allow ourselves to get caught up with petty infractions, either because of our sensitive egos, or our need for respect, or our desire to judge. And we are so busy “keeping score” that we forget that life can change on a dime, and quite shockingly and suddenly, there might be a shivah call to make. This is one of those times at which your husband should try his best to take his own needs out of the equation and focus on the needs of others.

Yes, it’s true—some people are not easy to be friendly with. Certain individuals expect so very much from their friends and family members that ultimately one is bound to disappoint them; it’s just a matter of time. These individuals often suffer from a personality disorder. Maybe one or both members of the couple you write about fall into this category. But, more likely, taking into account the extreme nature of what this woman was going through, their erratic behavior was the result of receiving bad news, periods of increased symptoms, depression stemming from the seriousness of her illness, or a myriad of other illness-related stressors.

We may know of other families who, G-d forbid, are in a similar situation and yet have always been able to maintain respectful behavior toward others, so that no one has a second thought of paying a shivah call now. But each person and each family has their own struggles; I have no doubt that this couple were both doing the best that they could to hold it all together, against all odds.

We should all probably try a lot harder to worry less about ourselves and more about the next person, as we truly don’t know what anyone is going through behind closed doors. On the surface, everything could look great; but, more often than not, we don’t see the whole story. Compassion, kindness, and understanding are what we all crave most and, frankly, what we deserve.

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. She specializes in marriage therapy, and also works with individuals. She can be reached at 516-314-2295 or at [email protected].