MINDBIZ

Dear Esther,

My husband of 24 years is very happy to be with me and no one else. He never wants company. He doesn’t need people to visit, and he’s never thrilled about going out to other people’s homes. He’s always been this way, and even though I’m a much more social person, I’ve kind of gone along with it. We were busy raising our children and the house never felt empty, so I wasn’t aware of our lack of good friends.

Now, with our kids more or less out of the house, I suddenly feel an enormous desire to be with other people. I realize more and more how interesting everyone is in their own way, and I find myself really wanting to get to know new people and, as you so often write about, “connecting.”

I recently invited two couples over for Shabbos lunch. It was going pretty well, but then, as soon as we finished benching, my husband got up and said he needed to take a nap. I was horrified. I think the two couples looked surprised and suddenly got up to leave. I think they felt as though they were being kicked out of the house. I was speechless, not knowing what to say. Naturally, I was very embarrassed.

My husband is a nice guy in general, but just doesn’t need too many people in his life. He doesn’t seem to understand what my needs are all about. I don’t know how to get through to him. Though I seem to be enough for him, he’s not enough for me (though I do love him).

How can I get him to understand that I’ve grown and want my home to feel alive with friends and good times? I feel lonely and am starting to resent my husband for his isolation. I also feel dragged down by him. My world is too narrow and I’m ready for it to open up.

Any ideas for me?

Lonely

Dear Lonely,

How nice that you’re discovering the importance of friends and delighting in the special gifts that everyone has to offer. It’s easy to be distracted from this aspect of your persona while building a life with a husband and raising kids. Now that your children are grown, it’s a perfect time to get to know yourself and others better. One way of doing this is by establishing close ties with female friends, who can inspire you in ways you never thought possible. They will provide a shoulder to lean on when the going gets rough, a person to laugh with until your sides hurt, and someone who can listen to you in that special way that only a female friend can.

Though I want to address your husband’s lack of interest in socializing, I am first struck by the fact that you feel you need him on board to make friends. There are couple friends, who are wonderful to have, but tend to be “light” in nature, and then there are those amazing “one-on-one” female buddies, who can be intense and spectacular. (Do you get the feeling I’m very fond of my female friends?) It doesn’t sound as though you’ve made these connections for yourself, and perhaps you’re using your husband as an excuse for it not happening for you.

So where do you begin? Getting close to others can be challenging, but hardly impossible. You may consider joining a few women’s groups (such as Amit), or a book club, or a group that does volunteer work. Any time you work or play side-by-side with others, you have an opportunity to connect.

Take a chance. Ask someone out for lunch. Yes, there is the risk of being rejected, but if you don’t take risks you’ll never advance your cause. But I doubt that your husband is really the one holding you back.

Back to the defendant (your husband). It sounds as though he is somewhat of a hermit, and that’s working for him just fine. But it’s not working for you. He may never understand your need for people besides himself; he doesn’t have to understand that need. But that fact shouldn’t stop you from learning the art of negotiating. And that’s where compromise comes into play. Surely, there are certain things he wants from you, whether it’s to sit home with him several evenings a week doing crossword puzzles, or baking his favorite cake, or calling his mother five times a week. Find your leverage.

The key is that he doesn’t have to want to have company, but he has to be a mensch about it and do it simply because it pleases you. Give to get. One hand washes the other…you bake his cake, he tells you how often he can tolerate Shabbos guests. Will once a month work for him? Fine. After that, negotiate what having company means to you. Spell out the parameters, because sometimes people can seem a bit dense. Being a gracious host, no naps until the last guest has left, helping with the cleanup—these are just some examples of what needs could look like, and these concepts need to be discussed up front.

Many women reading this column will be envious of the fact that you seem to satisfy your husband so totally and he only has eyes for you. In that respect, consider yourself very lucky. Some husbands demand to have guests every Shabbos, which would lead one to wonder whether they dread being alone with their wives. It’s kind of sweet that yours enjoys being alone with you so much.

He sounds like a good man who will be open to a discussion and, hopefully, a working compromise. But regardless of how successful you are at negotiating this area of your life, try to keep forging ahead with your own relationships. That work is yours, and yours alone. But it is so very worth the effort!

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. She specializes in marriage therapy, and also works with individuals. She can be reached at 516-314-2295 or at [email protected].