MINDBIZ

Dear Esther,

My family moved to the Five Towns close to two years ago. When we first arrived, we were invited out for Shabbos lunches quite a bit. Although it was nice to be thought of and I mostly enjoyed going, in the back of my mind I was constantly dreading the day that would inevitably come when I would be expected to reciprocate all of these invitations.

Well, that day already arrived quite a few months ago. The invitations have dried up, and yet I haven’t invited anyone to my house yet. I find myself terrified of picking up the phone and inviting people over for a Shabbos meal. It’s not that I don’t know how to cook; I actually enjoy cooking and, even though we don’t have company, I put thought into our Shabbos meals, experiment with recipes, and believe I serve my family very nice meals. I also have a home that I am not ashamed of, as well as appropriate dishes and serving pieces. And yet, I’m terrified.

My husband gets angry at me every Shabbos. He walks in the door from shul and tells me how all the people seem to be headed to friends’ homes for meals, and he is the only one without an invitation. He feels embarrassed, and that he is not “part of the scene.”

Though I can understand why he is uncomfortable, he doesn’t seem to feel any sympathy for me and my fear of inviting people over. Instead, he gets angry at me. Usually, by Wednesday evening he starts bugging me to invite people. Often I’ll tell him that I will, with every intention of picking up the phone and committing myself to having company, and then I chicken out.

I wish I could understand why I’m so nervous about the whole thing. Incidentally, I don’t mind not being invited out to others. I very much enjoy being home alone with my husband and children. But lately, even my children have started to complain, as well.

Do you think there is something wrong with me? Should I be seeing a professional to help me figure out what’s going on with me? Is my husband correct in expecting me to do what I don’t feel comfortable doing, or should I be pushing myself more?

I know people write to you with many very serious issues and they may be reading this and thinking that I need to get a life. But it is causing fights every weekend, and I think something has to change.

Terrified

Dear Terrified,

Any problem that causes you and your husband to fight every week is a serious problem. Who needs to live with the dread that, come Shabbos, you will be made to feel guilty by your husband for not doing what he is expecting of you? And I would think that you make yourself feel guilty, as well. Though we all strive for shalom bayis seven days a week, Shabbos in particular is a time that should be spent in peace and harmony.

I have no way of knowing exactly what is causing your fear of entertaining, but I can say that you are not alone. Many women put enormous pressure on themselves to be the next Martha Stewart when it comes to setting a table and entertaining. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you set the bar for yourself quite high in other areas of your life. Very possibly you are a perfectionist and settle for nothing less than absolute perfection in all sorts of areas of life.

Or maybe it is that you grew up in a home where entertaining did not happen on a regular (or even occasional) basis. Perhaps your mother felt she was all thumbs in the kitchen and she never cared much for having company, and so you never had a role model from whom to learn how to be the hostess with the mostest.

Perhaps you grew up in a home that felt dysfunctional to you because you had a mother or father or sibling who was out of control in some way, and you kept your friends at bay because you didn’t want to risk the embarrassment of exposing them to your family’s craziness. Though your present family (husband and children) may not exhibit any behavior that you are ashamed of, that residual feeling of shame and discomfort may be lingering from days gone by.

There are so many possible reasons why you don’t believe, on an emotional level, that you’re up for the task of entertaining. It sounds like on an intellectual level you know you can do the job as well as anyone else, if not better.

You ask who is at fault here—you or your husband—and whether you need to seek professional help for this issue. Regarding the first part of this question, I would say that it probably doesn’t matter all that much who is more right or more wrong. What matters right now is that neither of you is happy with the way things presently stand. Someone has to change their behavior in order for the two of you to come to an amicable compromise.

My guess is that your husband is a sociable guy who wants to feel as though he is “in the loop.” Never having company or going to anyone else’s home for a Shabbos meal most probably will not be acceptable for him. And frankly, I can understand his need to feel like he is part of the community, and getting together for a Shabbos meal is certainly a way of feeling involved. For many men, it’s their only opportunity to socialize.

Therefore, though I think you can compromise as to the frequency of entertaining, it looks like the challenge is yours to figure out a way to comfortably have guests over. And seeing a professional may be the best way for you to figure out what’s been holding you back. While you’re at it, you will no doubt delve into other areas of your life that may seem overwhelming to you at present, and you should certainly benefit from some healthy self-discovery.

If going to a therapist is out of the question for you, I would suggest a desensitizing approach. What I mean by that is, just like with any phobia, approach your fear by taking baby steps. You might try inviting over a single man or woman from your neighborhood. Keep the menu simple. See how that goes. From there, invite over just one couple, or even a relative that you feel most comfortable with. And keep going from there.

While you are going through this process, explain to your husband that you are truly doing the best you can to overcome your terror, and that it would be helpful if he supported you during this time and didn’t nag you constantly, as nagging will only slow you down.

My guess is that once you’ve pushed yourself out of your comfort zone, and start having company over, you may very well find that it is something that you enjoy very much. I wish you much luck.

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. She specializes in marriage therapy, and also works with individuals. She can be reached at 516-314-2295 or at [email protected].