Mindbiz

Dear Esther,

I’ve come to believe that most of my life I wasn’t a very nice person. I was kind of spoiled growing up; I had most things handed to me and had an overly developed sense of entitlement and self-esteem.

I can’t say that I was always nice to everyone I met. In fact, I was very quick to dismiss people as being “not my type,” too creepy or boring, or maybe just not my speed. I always had a couple of friends who were just like me—snobby and spoiled. We thought we were really something special.

As a result, I’ve burned many bridges, made my share of enemies, and developed a reputation that wasn’t very flattering. But I didn’t care, because I was above it all.

I’m coming off of a horrible few years. My husband left me, I am struggling financially, and my former friends have really not stood by me. I guess you would say that my life is a mess. But that’s not even why I am writing in to you.

I’ve really taken stock of my life and realize that I hadn’t the least clue what it meant to be a mensch, much less a person. I feel like I’m coming out of a 32-year daze and—for the first time in my life—am seeing things clearly. I finally “get it.” It’s a shame that I had to go through so much to be where I am today emotionally, and though I wish I hadn’t had to go through all of the pain and hardship, I am grateful to be the person I now am.

So here is my question: I have hurt so many people along the way. I know that many people do not like me or respect me, and probably think I had what’s coming to me. And maybe they are right. But I want to know how to right the wrongs I’ve committed. How do I let people know that I am truly sorry for the way I treated them in the past and that I want to start fresh? How can I let people know that I now feel as though I possess a new heart and soul?

It seems like such a daunting task, one that can never really be achieved. I have so much rebuilding to do, and though I worry a lot about myself and my future, I also worry about the people that I’ve hurt, as well as my reputation. I want to be known for who I am today.

Is there anything you can suggest to get me started?

Remorseful

Dear Remorseful,

What a sad yet inspiring tale. I am deeply struck by your honesty, integrity, and goodness. Unfortunately, you had to crawl through a long, dark, scary tunnel, but have managed to emerge a hero of sorts. Not everyone goes through your type of challenge and uses the experience to rise to such a high level of compassion and personal growth. Give yourself a huge hug—you deserve it.

So here you are, 32 years old and wanting to start anew in more ways than one. Though it must feel as though it would be easier to climb Mount Everest than to make up for your past, don’t despair. Change can happen—just as you’ve seen it happen internally, so too can it happen externally.

The only way to move forward is with baby steps: One day at a time. One challenge at a time. The big picture is too daunting, so you have to break it down to smaller pieces.

My first suggestion would be to make a list of the women to whom you would like to make amends, starting with the ones to whom your actions were most egregious. Take a deep breath and a hard swallow, and pick up the phone.

I find that difficult conversations like the one you’re hopefully about to have are somehow easier in person. People respond to sincerity, which is often expressed through one’s facial expressions and body language. For discussion’s sake, let’s assume the top name on your list is Rivka. Ask Rivka if she wouldn’t mind meeting you for a quick cup of coffee because you have something important that you’d like to share with her.

I have found, by and large, that most people are genuinely nice and want to get along. Very few people thrive on chaos or enjoy having enemies. Though your challenges have been extreme, most people do go through challenges of varying degrees and, like you, have softened and are capable of great kindness and compassion.

With the same honesty with which you wrote your letter to me, express to Rivka how you can now clearly see that you must have hurt her in the past, but that you have now taken stock of yourself, regret your past behavior, and would like to start anew. I would be shocked if Rivka didn’t respond in a good-hearted way. Frankly, if I got such a call, I would be blown away and impressed beyond belief.

These calls won’t be easy, but I feel as though you are capable of this challenge. By following through, you will solidify your recent growth and continue to be the best you can be. I doubt that you will have to go through your entire list. Somehow, news travels fast; people will begin to view you differently and applaud the new you.

Other obvious ways to reinvent yourself and change people’s perception of who you are is by getting involved in organizations and charities. Besides the good work you will accomplish, you will be seen in an entirely new light.

It sounds as though your life has been really rough and you’ve gotten beaten up pretty badly. Because we are all human beings, we sometimes need to learn lessons the hard way. But G-d willing, when you are back on track and your life finds itself in a really good place, you may look back on this stage with a smile on your face. Through all the loss and pain, you are coming out smelling like a rose. How wonderful that must feel.

Wishing you all the best,

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. She works with individuals, couples, and families. You can contact her at 516-3143-2295 or [email protected].