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Dear Esther,

I’d like to know how to handle a very controlling mother. My mother has always been extremely controlling, for as far back as I can remember. She was one of those mothers who was totally on top of everything I did, ate, wore, or even said. I guess that when I was young, it was all I knew and it felt normal. In fact, I suppose in some ways it felt very safe, because I really didn’t have to do very much thinking for myself. She did all the thinking for me. She even often finished my sentences. All I had to do was follow her orders, and I knew that I was doing (according to her, anyway) the right thing.

As a teenager, I started to want some freedom and tried to rebel a little bit. When I say “rebel,” I mean I wanted to grow my hair long for once, or things like that—nothing dangerous or bad. But my mother made my life so unbearable, it was just easier for me to go ahead and cut my hair or do whatever she demanded. Life was just better that way.

I am now 21 years old and single. I have a job in Manhattan and I’m exposed to so much more. Though, once again, I don’t want to do anything dangerous or bad, I want to express who I am. If I want to buy a pair of red shoes, I don’t want my mother to act as though I killed someone. I think I’m finally getting in touch with who I am, what my tastes are, and what I think is the appropriate way to behave. And frankly, I’m realizing more and more that I am not my mother. I don’t think the way she thinks, I don’t have her taste, and I don’t want to be her. I want to be me.

So I suppose the question is, what is holding me back? I so desperately want to be my own person and yet am so fearful of my mother’s reactions to me. I do still live at home, and though I would love to get my own apartment, I know that she would consider that the worst thing in the world. So at this point, I’m not thinking about it too seriously.

Do you have any advice for the daughter of an overbearing, over-controlling, over-everything mother?

Controlled

Dear Controlled,

It sounds as though you have a pretty good understanding of your situation and why you grew up to be the obedient daughter. And I’m sure that much of what your mother advised you to do was good and was good for you. But you make an interesting point. When you started separating from your mother and developing your own identity and taste, your mother created an environment that was so uncomfortable for you, you took the path of least resistance and went along with everything she said. As you put it, “it was easier.” And I’m sure it was. A child or teenager is no match for a strong-willed adult.

But separating from parents and finding one’s own identity is what we as human beings are destined to do. Hopefully, we cherish and maintain the greater value system, culture, and legacy handed down to us, but in terms of very personal and core beliefs, it is our challenge and, dare I say, purpose in life to determine who we are as individuals and how we can grow into the best person we were meant to be. If someone else, even a parent, imposes upon us, after we’ve reached a certain age, how to think and act, the outcome can be disastrous.

Yes, there will always be those individuals who actually enjoy being told what to think and say, but most people have a difficult time feeling that their very identity is being threatened and taken away from them. You are such a person.

For you to now change the dynamic that exists between yourself and your mother will not be an easy task. Though you are unhappy with the present arrangement, it’s working for your mother. She will resent and resist the possibility of the balance between the two of you shifting. Therefore, you have to be prepared for a great deal of discomfort. Your mother will not allow you to take your independence without a good fight. Your mission, therefore, is to be OK with her reactions, to be able to tolerate her anger and perhaps even rage.

My guess is that your mother loves you very much and has no desire to lose you as a daughter. It will take time for her to see that you are an individual, one who is worthy of your own thoughts and ideas. But I believe that, with time, she will come to accept the more independent you, and perhaps ultimately respect you for who you are. You will need a great deal of patience and support to great through this stage.

Ultimately, this may be a very good thing for your mother. Any woman who believes it is her right to tell her grown daughter how to live every aspect of her life is misguided. Perhaps your mother needs to take a good look at herself and figure out what this is all about. What might be missing from her own life that hasn’t fulfilled her enough to enable her to let her daughter seek her own fulfillment? If she “goes there,” you may actually be giving your mother a wonderful gift.

Good luck to you on your challenging but important journey.

Esther

Esther Mann, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. She can be reached at 516-314-2295 or [email protected]. Esther works with individuals, premarital couples, couples, and families.