Op-Ed: Time To Help The Forgotten Jew
By Brad Berfas, Esq.
How often do we think about a certain taboo subject? We ask ourselves if we should discuss it or not, whether it’s appropriate or even suitable for discussion. We wonder if we should put pen to paper to discuss this matter or just stay quiet. Well, I cannot stay quiet any longer as this issue has lingered way too long in the Orthodox Jewish world.
Whether one lives in New York, Florida, California, or Maryland, the results are the same. No one wants to talk about it and no one wants to admit there’s even an issue, but trust me there is a big problem in our communities and I’m addressing it once and for all. This is not to single out a particular person, shul, rabbi, state, city, or community because it’s rampant throughout the Orthodox world, although some cities and locations are worse than others, but the reality is the same. Our communities do not care enough about the singles and divorced population, which is more easily identifiable as the Divorced Crisis.
Pesach has just ended and how many of us sat at a Seder or a yom tov meal alone in agony and discomfort, even if we were with family and friends? How many of us can commiserate on the emptiness we were feeling? How many of us have a challenging time staying observant since we are not part of a family unit? We desperately want our own families and not have this overwhelming feeling of detachment. Yet, did any married friends call or text us to invite us over to their Seder or yom tov meal? Or were they content in their own happiness, not realizing what their fellow brothers and sisters were feeling in such lonely discomfort.
Being divorced, I myself have experienced extreme difficulty in staying observant, not feeling part of the Orthodox Jewish society in which I reside. Our culture is based on community and our Torah focuses on getting married and having a family. Those of us who are single or divorced have a hard time staying true to who we are when we feel like outsiders in our own community. Singles who are in their 40s or 50s or beyond experience even more discomfort and anguish.
Can we as a community sympathize with them? Can we relate to what they are going through? Do we even have time to acknowledge their existence, other than a passing greeting at a shul kiddush?
On a regular Shabbos how many of us feel isolated alone and do not want to stay religious and go to shul? And, even if we go to shul, how hard is it to be alone every Shabbos afternoon with nothing to do for eight hours? The sad truth is we are not embraced by our peers and are forced to eat alone, left with the feeling that we do not fit in. Even if we go out to meals or have friends over who are in the same situation as we are, it’s not the same as having a family. Even if our children are around, it’s not the same as when we lived as a family with our former spouses. Instead, we feel like second-class citizens in the environment we live in.
How many married friends call during the week to check on us? How many send a text to say hello and ask how we’re doing? We all know the answer to these questions. It’s sad that being Orthodox is all about being in a community—yet the same community does not make us feel part of that same community.
Even taking our kids to shul is not easy when one is divorced. The teenagers and tweens do not want to sit next to us because they feel uncomfortable sitting with their mother (if they’re a boy) or their father (if they’re a girl). How many of us are forced to stay home from shul when this happens or try to find a guy that can sit with our son, or a woman to sit with our daughter? I’m not saying married couples do not have their issues; trust me, I know. Not just from personal experience, but also as a practicing matrimonial attorney. But at the end of the day, spouses have each other to rely on as their confidant when times are tough. Divorced people do not.
Sitting at a pool in Florida or the Bahamas, or even at your own family Seder, did it occur to you even once to take a step back and think about your single or divorced friend or neighbor? Are you even cognizant of how truly impossible it is for them to function sometimes? It’s time for the community to step up and make us feel as if we belong and not treated as a forgotten Jew. It’s about time that shuls and organizations start to have programs and events that not only cater to the community at large, but also to the single and divorced population, so they should not feel forgotten or made to feel unwanted. Where is the compassion and understanding? We are members of the shul; we are Jews, but are we really treated as such? There are many issues that affect a congregation, but I believe this issue has been unaddressed for far too long. The rabbis and presidents of the shuls need to step up and show they care about this forgotten population.
It’s nice when one donates a sizable check to tzedakah, but there is no amount of charity that can make a single or divorced person feel connected when they feel abandoned and isolated. Only a person can bridge that gap. Our shul members need to embrace us, make us feel wanted, make us want to stay observant, make us want to feel the same joy they feel as Shabbos or yom tov approaches. Being aware of this struggle and inquiring about your fellow Jew who is feeling detached can go a long way in keeping that friend observant and feeling true achdus. We as a community have an enormous task at hand and I know we are up to the challenge. I hope and envision that shuls and organizations will heed my advice and enable all aspects of the community to flourish and allow us to be excited, enthusiastic, and eager when the next Shabbos or yom tov arrives! nBrad Berfas is a Partner at Berfas & Associates, P.C and can be reached at 917-515-0822
