Safe Space

By: Jessica Steinmetz, LMHC, CASAC-G

Thoughtful answers to the things we don’t say out loud

Clinical Director of The Safe Foundation

Purim is coming up, and I’m already anxious about the drinking. I know there’s a mitzvah connected to it, and in our community, it feels like everyone participates. But every year it goes further than I plan. I don’t want to be the only one not drinking, and I don’t want to make it into a “thing.” At the same time, I don’t like who I am by the end of the day. Is it wrong to sit it out?

Purim is joyful. It is spirited, communal, and full of life. The costumes, the seudah, the mishloach manot – it is meant to be a day of celebration. 

There is also a mitzvah connected to drinking. But that mitzvah has always been understood with nuance. Across generations, rabbinic authorities have outlined different approaches – some encouraging a small increase of alcohol beyond one’s usual amount, others emphasizing that the goal is perspective and humility, not excess. 

The mitzvah was never intended as an opportunity to overindulge or behave in ways that are embarrassing, harmful, or destructive. Celebration should not come at the expense of one’s tzelem Elokim. 

The primary mitzvah of drinking applies during the daytime seudah, traditionally with wine. It is not an open-ended invitation to drink throughout the day or night without boundaries. Even those who drink more than usual are expected to remain able to make brachot, to daven, and to conduct themselves with dignity. 

Halachic sources further note that if drinking is likely to lead to neglect of mitzvot or compromise one’s self-respect, it is better to limit oneself. The goal of the day is elevation and joy – not impairment. 

For many people, that framework feels manageable and meaningful. They drink a bit more than usual, within their limits, and experience genuine simcha.

For others, it feels complicated. 

If you already know that drinking tends to go further than you plan, that awareness matters. 

Tradition is meaningful. Simcha is meaningful. Community is meaningful – and so is self-awareness. 

One of the hardest parts of Purim is not the halacha – it’s the social pressure. No one wants to stand out. No one wants to explain him or herself. No one wants to feel like he or she is dampening the mood.

But participation does not require overindulgence or abandoning your own values. 

If you don’t like who you are by the end of the day, that’s important information. If you wake up the next morning managing embarrassment, regret, or strained conversations, that matters. If you find yourself negotiating with yourself before the holiday even begins – planning how to avoid going too far – that may be a sign it’s worth approaching the day with intention rather than impulse. Sometimes that means deciding in advance what you will drink, how much, and when – and who can help you stay aligned with that decision. 

For some, Purim magnifies a pattern that already exists throughout the year. For others, it isn’t a year-round struggle at all – but rather a day where boundaries quietly disappear under the banner of celebration. 

Judaism places tremendous value on protecting one’s health and stability. For individuals in recovery, even one drink can reignite something powerful. In that case, choosing not to drink is not stepping away from a mitzvah – it is safeguarding the life and well-being that the Torah obligates us to preserve.

For those who are not formally “in recovery” but quietly struggle with limits, the principle is similar: knowing your boundaries is not a lack of faith. It is a sign of self-awareness. 

Some people choose to drink moderately and intentionally. Some choose to drink minimally. Some choose not to drink at all. Each of those decisions can be made thoughtfully and responsibly. 

Joy does not require excess, and celebration should not come at the cost of self-neglect. Honoring a mitzvahdoes not require overriding your own well-being. 

If you are already asking the question before Purim arrives, that reflection is not overthinking. It is a sign the holiday calls for further thought. 

This space exists for the questions that surface before the moment – the ones that help you show up aligned rather than reactive. 

If you or someone you know is struggling or has questions about addiction, habits, or their impact, support is available. 

Questions may be submitted anonymously to [email protected]; selected questions will be addressed in future columns. 

For confidential support, call (718) GET-SAFE.

The Safe Foundation is an outpatient treatment program licensed by NYS OASAS and NJ DMHAS, providing confidential, professional services for individuals and families affected by substance use and gambling disorders. We offer respectful and culturally sensitive support delivered with a deep understanding of the values and dynamics that shape the communities we serve.