The Shidduch Process And The Pressure To “Appear”

By B. Aviva Preminger, MD, MPH, FACS

With Pesach now far in the rearview mirror, we have returned to our normal lives. I am back in the office focusing on patient care, but something has stuck with me from the experience and has affected many of my patients too. Pesach programs have become their own ecosystems, complete with menus, entertainment, scholars-in-residence, and, quietly but unmistakably, a social stage. For singles, particularly those of marital age, these programs are more than a vacation. They are often viewed as an opportunity, a place to be seen. They have become a place where introductions happen over buffets and tearoom snacks and where first impressions can feel disproportionately important.

With that comes a kind of social pressure that we don’t always name out loud—the pressure to look a certain way, the pressure to present a polished version of oneself, not just in personality, but in appearance.

As a plastic surgeon, I see this tension up close every year in the weeks leading up to and following Pesach. Patients (and sometimes their worried parents) come in asking thoughtful, sometimes vulnerable questions: “Should I do something before the program or wait till after?” “Is this the right time to finally fix this?” “Will it make a difference?” These are not superficial questions. They are deeply human ones. Because at its core, the shidduch process is about connection, but it often begins with first impressions. And, perception, fairly or not, includes how we look.

There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to feel confident and look one’s best. In fact, I would argue that feeling comfortable in your own skin, whether that comes from skincare, fitness, or aesthetic procedures, can allow someone to show up more fully as themselves. Confidence changes posture. It changes energy. It changes how we engage with others.

Years ago, when I was working on my Harvard College thesis and exploring the topic of the halachicpermissibility of plastic surgery, one of the factors taken into account to allow for it was, in fact, shidduchim. Plastic surgery was permissible both to actually make people more physically appealing to others for matchmaking, but, almost more importantly, to give people the confidence to engage in that process and feel good about themselves.

There is, however, an important line. The danger is when the goal shifts from feeling like yourself to trying to become someone else entirely. Pesach programs, with their intensity and visibility, can amplify that pressure. You see the same people over multiple days. You are aware of who is noticing whom. You are, whether you admit it or not, comparing. That comparison is rarely kind.

In my practice, I try to reframe the conversation. The question is not, “What do I need to change to be chosen?” The question is, “What, if anything, would help me feel more like myself when I walk into that room?” Sometimes the answer is a small, subtle intervention, a treatment that softens something that has bothered someone for years. Sometimes the answer is to do nothing at all. Sometimes, the most important work is not physical. Because while appearances may open a door, they do not sustain a relationship. The qualities that matter most—kindness, resilience, humor, depth—are not visible across a dining room.

Invest in yourself if it comes from a place of self-respect, not self-doubt. Choose confidence over comparison. Remember that the right person is not looking for perfection. They are looking for authenticity, someone who is genuinely comfortable in their own skin.

That is something no plastic surgery procedure can create. 

At Preminger Plastic Surgery, we are committed to educating our patients and providing personalized care tailored to their unique needs. For those considering plastic surgery, we offer guidance every step of the way to help you achieve your aesthetic and wellness goals. Dr. Preminger is a board-certified plastic surgeon with degrees from Harvard, Cornell, and Columbia.

For more information or to schedule a consultation, please visit PremingerMD.com or call 212-706-1900. Follow us on Instagram @premingerplasticsurgery.