There May Be An Abuser In Your Shul

By: Elisheva Liss

There may be an abuser in your shul. I’m sorry; I’m not saying this to spread rumors or fear-monger. I don’t know your shul or the people in it. But I do know some statistics. And they’re sobering. And I know some stories. Too many terrible stories. Disturbingly, some of them started in shul. Some even happened in shul.

To be clear, there may or may not be a predator in your specific shul. But there are sometimes predators in shuls. Some of them seem like the “shady” person that you intuitively knew to keep a distance from. But some of them, many of them, do not.

They seem like, and often are, trusted adults, ostensibly socially appropriate, warm, caring, presentable, even reputable. Frighteningly. Shuls are, sadly, places where grooming and victimization can happen.

There is a false sense of security in a place that should ideally be a holy sanctuary, and a safe haven for families, the last place where someone would choose to commit the most heinous of crimes. Shuls should ideally be that. But they’re not. And that’s part of why they’re susceptible to abuse.

Children are often allowed to roam around shuls freely, with the parents’ understandable misconception that with all these religious adults from the community around, and so many friendly faces and eyes around, surely they’re in good hands, surely nothing bad can happen.

They’re often sent to play in side rooms, lobbies, stairwells, courtyards, or even youth groups, with the expectation that there is adequate supervision, but unfortunately, there often isn’t.

Not because the youth group leaders are irresponsible, but because they are often teenagers, and even if they’re adults, they can’t follow the kids out of the rooms when they go looking for friends, the restroom, or their parents. Abusers know how to build trust, groom the community, bide their time, track for unmonitored spaces and potential victims, and wait for a moment of vulnerability.

Convicted offenders are not allowed near children, but a significant percentage of abuse goes unreported, which means not every unsafe person is listed, and in most cases, abuse seems to happen at the hands of someone known to the child or family, rather than a stranger.

Yom tov, especially ones like Simchas Torah, bring additional risk, since they involve more crowds, socializing, different schedules, including stretches of unstructured time, and unfortunately, sometimes inebriated congregants, including distracted parents and disinhibited unsafe people. All of this often leads to less oversight, which actually heightens the need to watch kids even more closely.

Some might ask: “Is this really an appropriate piece for a family paper?”

And I would answer that unfortunately, yes, a family paper is exactly where a reminder like this needs to be.

Prevention and safety conversations might not be comfortable or palatable, but response and damage control are far less so.

So please, if you have young children, please consider either not bringing them to shul, or don’t let them out of your sight while there.

Treat it like any other public place, such as the playground, or a mall.

If you have older children and teens, have all the safety conversations with them, and still put precautions in place.

Make sure they know that if anyone or anything is making them uncomfortable, they should not hesitate to talk to you about it and you will help them.

Many of our shuls’ leaderships are trying to keep up with recommended safeguarding policies and practices, and that’s vital and commendable. But as parents and lay adults, we need to be responsible for this as well.

The point here is not to make anyone neurotic or paranoid.

I’d like to believe that the majority of people we find in shul are safe and good. But in the spirit of “kabdehu v’chashdehu,” respect and suspect, we don’t know what we don’t know, so it’s wise to assume that not 100% are trustworthy. And so this is just a reminder of a relevant concern that, when approached reasonably, could make our communities a bit safer for families.

Wishing you and yours a happy, healthy, holy, and safe chag. 

Elisheva Liss, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. She not only treats a variety of mental-health concerns but also shares psychoeducation via her blog, her book—Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking—digital courses, and a new virtual wellness program. All can be accessed at ElishevaLiss.com.