Waiting At EWR
In my last two articles in this series, I focused on the acronym EWR, which, aside from being the call letters for Newark Airport, is associated with three tools which I train my first responders to utilize and appreciate. Two weeks ago, we focused on E for Empathy and learned about the nature and limits of this important tool for comforting those in distress. Last week, we looked at W for Warmth, and explored the importance of this tool for supporting those who hurt and are troubled.
The R of EWR is Respect. When a supportive listener, such as a counselor, crisis worker, first responder or a caring friend faces the distress of someone who turns to them in crisis, they must be sensitive to the distressed person’s vulnerability. Sometimes, when seeing crying or anxiety, one’s first impulse is to move closer and enter the physical space of the person in distress. However, maintaining clear boundaries is almost always the better method to deal with someone in a crisis. Firstly, a body gesture may be unwelcome or may catch the person off guard. If the person has undergone a physical trauma, they can feel threatened or uncomfortable by being touched by the person rendering aid or if they sit in too close proximity. Secondly, a body gesture is communicating something (as I have written previously, behavior is a form of language, non-verbal language) and because a physical gesture does not use words, its meaning is ambiguous. One cannot predict how the other person will interpret the hug, the handholding, or even having someone sit too close to them while they are grieving, weeping, or frightened. Respect means maintaining clear boundaries, and boundaries are physical, leaving a safe space between the victim or traumatized person and the would-be helper.
Respect also means that the supportive person is not presumptuous, avoiding offering interpretations of what the person is going through and what they are experiencing. We’ve all had moments when we were reacting to bad news or some other crisis and a well-meaning person said, “You much be feeling…” or “I know what you’re going through.” In Megillas Eichah (1:12) the Prophet Yirmiyahu laments, “Is there any pain like my pain?” Each one goes through suffering in their own way and while there are certain reactions that are common among those who have suffered trauma, it is presumptuous to tell someone that you already know what they’re going through. That is not respect. Respect means accepting each person’s reality and allowing them to identify their own experience. We might prompt them to talk, but respect means attentive listening rather than telling someone what they’re going through.
Respect also means knowing that a person in distress might feel helpless but they’re unlikely to be totallyhelpless. Your goal in supporting that person is not to make them feel dependent on you or to imply that you’re the only one who can get them out of their plight. At most you can become an external resource for them. Meanwhile, almost all people have some internal resources that they can access in the process of recovering composure and stability following their crisis. They can recover their breathing, something which often becomes erratic and shallow during times of upset. They can recover their composure and can also begin identifying their needs. They can recover their sense of how they have made it through rough times in the past. Respect means impressing upon that person that you can be a resource for them, but they still have the capacity to draw on their life wisdom and experience to find adequate coping skills.
oRespect also means acknowledging your own limitations. You are not the only one who can help this person. You do not have all of the skills they might need and none of us is an expert in everything or in everyone. Those who are effective helpers tend to possess a certain humility whereas those who become overly involved in other people’s lives tend to display a certain self-importance. A skilled, supportive helper does not aim to become a permanent fixture or presence in the lives of those in distress. Respect means granting that person their autonomy and assisting their return to independent functioning. Being there for others is a focused and time-limited process. Respecting the limits of that role and offering them EWR—empathy, warmth, and respect—will ensure that you’re modeling supportiveness while assuring that person that you believe they can function well once again.
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.
