Why Not Me?

esI met with a new client this week for the first time and I asked her a question that just came out. She was describing this woman she used to work with who is now living a wildly successful life, doing work she loves, and living with purpose, and she said, “That could never be me.”

Without even thinking, I said, “Well, why not you?”

It wasn’t planned, and I didn’t mean for it to sound like a big statement. But the question hung in the air. Because really, why is our default always, “Not me!”

After that session, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Because the truth is, I do the same thing.

I’ve played small in more ways than I’d care to admit. I tell myself stories that sound logical but are really just fear in disguise. When I was launching my new business last year, expanding into life and career coaching, I convinced myself that I had to wait. I told myself that once my business was up and running, once my website was done, once all the pieces fell into place, then I’d start. But deep down I knew I was just stalling. It was fear.

The scary part wasn’t the work. It was the exposure, the moment I’d have to say, “Here I am, this is what I do.”

And so, I hid behind productivity. I spent months researching, watching webinars, scrolling through other coaches’ pages, telling myself I was learning. But really, I was comparing. I looked at women who seemed to have it all together and thought, of course they can do it. Look at them.

The truth is, it wasn’t about them. It was about what I believed about me.

Studies show that by adulthood, 80% of our thoughts are negative, and 95% of those are repetitive. Which means that most of what we think about every day are the same recurring doubts and insecurities on repeat. We think we’re being objective when really, we’re recycling old stories that have nothing to do with the truth, just habit.

It’s called “limiting belief loops.” Psychologists describe it as the brain’s way of keeping us safe. If something feels uncertain or risky, we default to the familiar thought: That’s not for me. And over time, that thought becomes identity.

What’s ironic is that with other parts of my life, I don’t hesitate. My husband always says that if I want something badly, I’ll find a way to get it. And he’s right.

Last year, when he needed an MRI and the insurance company kept denying it, I made it my mission. I called, appealed, emailed, escalated, whatever it took. Within a week, we had approval. No wasn’t an option.

That version of me, the one who figures things out, who doesn’t stop until she gets there, has that determination. But when it comes to my own dreams, that same determination turns into hesitation. Suddenly, I’m full of limiting beliefs, excuses, procrastination.

And I’ve been asking myself why.

Maybe it’s because I’ve reinvented myself so many times: therapist, mediator, writer, coach. I’ve carried this quiet shame that by evolving, I appear inconsistent and maybe people won’t take me seriously because I’ve worn too many hats. I’ve told myself that credibility comes from sticking to one thing, one lane, one version of success.

But that’s not true. It’s just another layer of the same belief that says not me.

If I look really closely, the people I admire the most aren’t the ones who followed a straight line; they’re the ones who evolved. Who’ve tried, failed, adjusted, and started again. That’s where growth actually lives, not in doing one thing forever, but in letting yourself change without apology.

And yet, we hesitate.

According to a 2023 study, 70% of adults experience imposter syndrome at some point in their careers, and it’s even higher among women. We downplay our accomplishments, question our worth, and assume others know something we don’t. We wait to feel legitimate before taking the next step, never realizing that legitimacy comes after the leap, not before it.

It’s the same pattern I see in relationships, too. The way we hold back, protect ourselves, avoid asking for what we really need because we don’t want to seem needy or demanding. We convince ourselves that we’re being smart, that we’re lowering expectations to avoid disappointment. But it’s the same script. The same belief just playing out in a different setting. Not me.

Not the one who gets the promotion. Not the one who gets the love story. Not the one who gets the second chance.

And yet, what if that’s the only thing in the way?

The truth is, I’ve spent years waiting to feel ready. Waiting for permission. Waiting to be enough. But I’m starting to realize that maybe the people who get where they want to go in business, love, and life, are the ones who stop waiting.

Maybe “why me” isn’t really a question. It’s a decision.

And maybe the next time that little voice says “not me,” I’ll finally have an answer.

I’ll know the time is right and I’ll take that leap of faith. n

Tamara Gestetner is a certified mediator, psychotherapist, and life and career coach based in Cedarhurst. She helps individuals and couples navigate relationships, career transitions, and life’s uncertainties with clarity and confidence. Through mediation and coaching, she guides clients in resolving conflicts, making tough decisions, and creating meaningful change. Tamara is now taking questions and would love to hear what’s on your mind—whether it’s about life, career, relationships, or anything in between. She can be reached at 646-239-5686 or via email at [email protected]. Please visit TamaraGestetner.com to learn more.