DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

I read your letter last week about the man who was dating a beautiful woman that everyone had warned him about. He got engaged anyway and then she dumped him. I have a similar problem, although in a different way. I’m also in a desperate situation, and I really need help.

After a very messy divorce, I was left practically homeless. I’ve been crashing at different friends’ homes and honestly, inviting myself out for Shabbos because I have nowhere else to go. Because of what my ex did to me, I’ve also been unable to get a decent job.

I recently met a divorced woman, and everyone is telling me to stay away from her, especially her neighbors. They say she is unstable, makes things up that aren’t true, and has called the police on her neighbors. Men who have dated her told me some very crazy stories [about her]. I was also told she has been banned from certain singles’ events because of the things she did.

But she’s very good to me. She invites me over for Shabbos and cooks for me during the week. She wants to marry me. Part of me wants to marry her, and another part of me is afraid.

The truth is that if I marry her, I could move into her beautiful home and have a family again. I should also mention that my children no longer speak to me, so I’m completely alone and terribly lonely.

Part of me wonders if having a husband and a stable marriage might help her settle down and become happier. Maybe she has acted the way she has because she has been alone. At the same time, I can’t ignore all the warnings I’ve been getting.

I desperately want to improve my life. I want a home, a family, stability, and someone to share my life with. But I don’t know if I truly want to marry this woman or if I’m simply desperate for everything that marriage with her would get me. Please tell me what you think.

Response

Thank you for writing to me and for being as honest as you have. I can hear the desperation in every word of your letter, and before I say anything else, I want you to know that I’m genuinely sorry for what you are going through. You’ve been through a messy divorce. You’ve lost the stability of your home and family life. You’re struggling financially. You feel that what happened with your ex has followed you into other areas of your life and made it difficult for you to get a decent job. You’re moving from one friend’s house to another and trying to figure out where you will go for Shabbos. And perhaps most painful of all: Your own children are no longer speaking to you. That is an enormous amount of loss for one person to carry. You’re not simply lonely; you’re grieving the loss of an entire life you once had. When a person has suffered tremendous loss, the first person who comes along and offers warmth, food, companionship, and a place where they feel wanted can become incredibly important. Sometimes when we’re starving emotionally, we don’t even realize how hungry we are until someone puts a plate of food in front of us.

This woman is giving you something you desperately need. She’s feeding you. She’s including you. She makes you feel wanted. She’s offering you a home, and she is offering you the possibility of having a family again. Under those circumstances, it would be very easy to confuse gratitude, relief, dependency, and desperation with love.

That is why I want you to stop for a moment and ask yourself a very difficult question. If you had a good job, your own comfortable home, a strong relationship with your children, and a full social life, would you still want to marry this woman? Because there’s a tremendous difference between wanting a woman and wanting what comes with marrying her.

You’re describing a situation where marriage appears to be the solution to almost every painful problem in your life. You could have a beautiful home. You wouldn’t have to depend on friends for a place to sleep or eat. You would have Shabbos meals without wondering if someone would invite you. You would have companionship. You would have the possibility of rebuilding a family. That sounds incredibly tempting. But marriage is not supposed to be an emergency housing solution. A spouse it not supposed to be a person’s rescue plan. No one should enter a marriage primarily because you’re desperate to escape the life you’re trapped in.

You mentioned that everyone is warning you about this woman. Her neighbors have warned you. Men who dated her have told you troubling stories. People told you she has had serious problems with people around her and that she was even banned from certain singles’ events because of her behavior.

To be fair, people can gossip and exaggerate. Divorced women can sometimes become the subject of terrible rumors, sometimes by the people who mistreat them. Sadly, that is a fact. One person can tell a story, another person repeats it, and before long everyone “knows” something about a person they don’t actually know.

However, when one person warns you, you might take it with a grain of salt. When two unrelated people warn you, you pay attention. When numerous people tell you the same troubling story, including men who have actually dated her, you can’t dismiss it because you’re hungry for a home-cooked meal. Instead, you must investigate the information carefully, fairly, and honestly.

There’s something else in your letter that concerns me. You wrote that perhaps if this woman had a husband, she would get better. Please read what I’m about to say very carefully: Do not marry someone because you think you can fix them. And do not believe that if you were her husband, you could cure whatever problem she has. Marriage does not magically repair serious problems. In fact, marriage often exacerbates them. The pressures of daily life, finances, children, chores, disagreements, responsibilities, and expectations can bring out problems that were not even apparent during dating. If someone has a serious pattern of conflict with neighbors, friends, acquaintances, former dates, or members of the community, you should not assume that once you become her husband, you will somehow be the one person who will have a peaceful relationship with her. What typically happens in these circumstances is that after the honeymoon period is over, you may find yourself becoming the next person with whom she has conflict. That is something you have to consider.

You’re going into this relationship carrying tremendous pain and instability of your own. You’re homeless or close to it. You’re financially struggling. You’re estranged from your children. You’re emotionally exhausted from a terrible divorce. That makes you vulnerable. And vulnerable people can make decisions they would never make if their lives were stable. When someone is drowning, they may grab onto any life raft floating by. But you cannot build a marriage by grabbing onto your spouse as if they were a life raft.

You must ask yourself if you’re considering marriage because you believe you can build a healthy life with her or because you desperately need a place to live. I know that sounds harsh—but I don’t mean it harshly. I mean it honestly. You said something very revealing in your letter: “If I marry her, I can move into her beautiful home and have a family again.”

Notice that your first thought was not about the woman herself, but about the benefits that marriage to her could give you. Her home. Security. A family. A life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. Of course you want them. Anyone in your situation would. But those things cannot be the foundation upon which you choose your wife.

Imagine that tomorrow this woman G-d forbid became financially dependent on you instead. Imagine that she could no longer cook or provide you with the comfortable life you’re imagining. Would you still desperately want to marry her? If the answer is yes, then perhaps there’s something worth exploring. If the answer is no, or even “I’m not sure,” then you have your answer.

You also need to separate two issues that have become entangled. Issue number one is your life crisis. You need housing. You need financial stability. You need employment. You need emotional support. You’re grieving the loss of your relationship with your children. Those are real and urgent problems. Issue number two is whether this woman is the right person for you to marry. Those are two entirely separate questions.

The danger is that you’re trying to solve Issue Number One by marrying someone who may not be the right answer to Issue Number Two. That is a recipe for disaster. Because if you marry her to escape homelessness and later on the marriage becomes unhappy, you may find yourself in an even more difficult position than the one you’re in now. You could lose not only your shelter, but also your emotional well-being all over again. You’ve already been through one messy divorce. Surely, you do not want to enter another marriage with your eyes closed simply because you’re afraid of being alone.

Let’s talk about loneliness. Loneliness is a terrible thing. People who have never experienced true loneliness cannot understand how painful it is. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. You can spend Shabbos at someone’s table and still feel like you don’t belong anywhere. You can have friends and still feel like you have no one. When your children are not speaking to you, that makes the loneliness a thousand times more painful. So yes, when a woman wants you, that can feel like a gift from Hashem. But being wanted is not in and of itself a reason to marry someone. There are people who will want you for various reasons that have nothing to do with whether you are actually compatible. And sometimes people want someone not because they’re right for them, but because they fill an empty space inside of them.

You deserve more than simply finding someone who will take you in. You deserve to find someone with whom you can build a healthy marriage. And she deserves the same. This woman deserves to know that you’re marrying her not for her house, her cooking, her ability to provide you with Shabbos meals, or the security she can offer you, but for who she truly is.

So, what should you do? My advice is to strongly caution you against getting engaged or married right now. Slow down. You’re in a crisis, and people should avoid making life-altering decisions when they are in the middle of a crisis. Continue getting to know her if you genuinely feel there is something there worth exploring. But take away the urgency. Do not set a wedding date because you’re tired of sleeping on friends’ couches. Do not marry her because Shabbos is coming and you don’t know where you will eat. And please do not marry her because you believe that being her husband will somehow make her “better.” Instead, take your time and do something you should have done before seriously considering marriage: find out who she really is.

Speak to people who know her. Speak to people who have known her for a long time. Speak to references who are not simply her best friends. Listen carefully, but also fairly. If you hear disturbing stories, don’t immediately assume they’re all true—but don’t automatically dismiss them either.

Look for patterns. Patterns matter. And while you’re doing that, work on rebuilding your own life independently of this relationship. Find a stable apartment. Get whatever job or assistance you need to get back on your feet. Reconnect with people who genuinely care about you. And if there’s any possibility of repairing your relationship with your children, work on that too. You cannot control whether they will respond to you. But if there are things you can do to take responsibility, communicate respectfully, and leave the door open, do so. Your life has to become something you’re willing to live even if this woman disappears tomorrow. That is when you’ll be in a much better position to decide whether you actually want to marry her.

I want to say one more thing. You seem to believe that your choices are either to marry this woman and have a home and family, or remain homeless and miserable. Those are not your only two choices. Your life is not over. You have been through terrible circumstances, but terrible circumstances do not have to define the rest of your life. You can rebuild it. It may not happen overnight. You may not immediately have the beautiful home or the family life you want. But you can begin rebuilding your life one piece at a time.

And when you do meet the right woman, or if, after careful consideration, this woman truly turns out to be the right woman, you will be choosing marriage from a position of strength rather than desperation. There is a famous expression that when you’re hungry, everything looks like food. Right now, you are hungry. Hungry for love. Hungry for belonging. Hungry for security. Hungry for family. Hungry for a place to call your home. That hunger is understandable. But don’t let it convince you that the first meal placed in front of you is necessarily the one that will nourish you. You need to determine whether this woman is truly right for you. Not whether she can rescue you, and not whether having a husband might solve her problems. Ask yourself whether the two of you are capable of building a healthy, peaceful, loving marriage together. That is the only question that should ultimately determine whether you marry her.

In conclusion, do not marry out of desperation. Work on stabilizing your own life. And then ask yourself: If I didn’t need her home, her meals, or her security, would I still choose this woman to be my wife? Your answer to that question may tell you everything you need to know. Wishing you the strength and clarity to rebuild your life, and when the time is right, to make the decision that will truly bring you the peace and happiness you deserve. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].