Dating
Question
I went out with a guy and everything went great. He took me to a nice restaurant for dinner, we had a great conversation, and amazing chemistry. While we were on the date, I was thinking that I would for sure go out with him again. After we finished eating, he asked the waitress to pack up our leftovers. Then he paid the check and as we were getting ready to leave, the waitress brought out our leftovers wrapped up in two nice containers, one for him and one for me. He immediately grabbed both—even my container, and when I gave him a weird look, he said he didn’t believe in letting good food go to waste.
He didn’t even bother to ask me if I wanted it, which he should have done. The next day, he texted me that he had a nice time and would like to go out again. I refused to go out with him even though he wants to and everything else checks out. My mother told me I should give him another chance because guys can get like that sometimes. Do you agree with her? We’re having a big fight over this.
Response
You’re not wrong to pause over this issue. What you reacted to wasn’t the food, it was the lack of awareness, consideration, and basic courtesy. So, let’s separate a few things for clarity. On a first date, social norms and basic etiquette matter more than intentions. In other words, because people present their best side, the assumption is that this is the best they can do. What could have happened in your case might have been frugality or “not wasting food.” However, the main issue is that he took something that was yours without asking, brushed past your reaction, and justified it instead of checking in. The fact is that you could have finished eating that meal before the waitress cleared the table. That you left over food on your plate, still makes it yours, even though he paid for it.
That moment, when he took it for himself, silently answers an important question: Does this person think about others or only about himself? On a first date, when people are tuned in to their behavior to make the best impression, he didn’t ask if you wanted to take your leftovers or even offer to give it to you. He didn’t notice or even seem to care that you were uncomfortable. He didn’t correct himself when you gave him a “weird” look, as that was a clear nonverbal signal demonstrating your dissatisfaction. That’s not nothing.
Small behaviors reveal big patterns. This wasn’t a cutlery mistake using a fork instead of a knife or forgetting to pull your chair out before sitting down. Nor was it nerves. This was a boundary moment. Your instinct picked up on something deeper: “Will he consult me or decide for me?” “Does he consider me or my needs before himself?”
Many women who ignore these early signals later say: “I knew something felt off; I just told myself I was being too picky.” You weren’t being picky. You were being perceptive. Regarding your mother’s advice, she isn’t wrong in general; people can have quirks, and not every misstep means “run.” But here’s the key distinction: If he had said, “Oh, do you want yours?” and handed it back to you immediately, that would be a harmless quirk. If he had laughed and said, “Sorry, force of habit,” and corrected it, that would be self-awareness. Instead, he defended his behavior rather than adjusting it. That’s the part that matters. Should you give him another chance?
Ask yourself one honest question: Did I lose interest because of one awkward moment, or because that moment revealed something I don’t want long-term? If it’s the former, a second date is reasonable. If it’s the latter, you already have your answer.
You don’t owe anyone a second date to prove you’re reasonable. Dating is about two people being the right fit. It is not about fairness. Feeling compatible or incompatible with someone does not always have to be about being fair or reasonable. When something feels off, that’s enough to know that whatever you see now will only exacerbate later on. That includes good and bad. A good date isn’t just chemistry or a nice meal at a restaurant; it’s about how someone handles your space and your comfort. Your instincts are usually faster than your logic for a reason.
It’s quite evident that your writing to me is not about asking for advice on whether to go out with this guy again or not. You’ve already made up your mind. You have a disagreement with your mother and you want her to see and understand what happened from your angle, rather than from her desire to see you married. Though I validated you early in my response, it appears you also need advice on how to make your mother understand what really happened. Here’s how I recommend you present it to her.
You described a date that, by all outward measures, went well: a pleasant atmosphere, good conversation, chemistry, and a thoughtful choice of restaurant. Yet, you walked away unsettled, not because of what he said, but because of something small he did. Those are often the moments that matter most. Let’s be clear about what troubled you, and something that your mother needs to comprehend. This was not about leftovers. It could have been about thriftiness, and that too could be an issue down the line. This was not about a man trying to be practical. It was about awareness. He was unaware of and dismissive of your needs. Perhaps since you didn’t finish your meal, you might be hungry later. This was about sustainability. Had he not asked and accepted the waitress’s offer to pack up the leftover meal, we could give him some benefit of doubt. But that’s not what happened here.
When the waitress returned with two neatly wrapped containers—clearly signaling two owners—he took them both without asking or offering to give you one. When you reacted, he didn’t pause, reconsider, or check in with you. Instead, he explained himself. In other words, he decided for you, and then justified that decision rather than adjusting it. That’s why this stayed with you.
On early dates, people are usually most careful, most attentive, and most eager to make a good impression. These early interactions are not throwaway moments; they are data points. They show how someone moves through the world when they are trying. When someone overlooks your needs in a small, everyday situation, it naturally raises the question: What happens during bigger ones?
Your mother’s advice comes from a generous place. She is right that people, especially men, can sometimes act without thinking. Not every awkward moment is a red flag, and not every irritation deserves a full stop. Life is long, and grace is important. But here is the distinction: Your instincts already understand that a harmless quirk is followed by awareness. A misstep becomes meaningful when it is paired with dismissal. If he had immediately said, “Oh, sorry, do you want yours?” and handed it to you, the moment would likely have dissolved. Instead, he doubled down. That’s not about food; that’s about how he responds when confronted with another person’s discomfort.
Your mother must be made to understand that you are not refusing a second date to punish him. You want to decline because something inside you quietly said, “this doesn’t feel right.” That’s enough to go by. You are allowed to decide that something, even something small, signals a mismatch in values, awareness, or temperament.
That said, ask your mother one final question: Does she honestly think you want to walk away because you were turned off by a single behavior, or because that behavior revealed a dynamic you do not want in your life? No amount of politeness or good intentions requires you to override your inner voice.
What is undisputable is that a relationship thrives where mutual respect, attunement, and consideration live. Chemistry may start a connection, but it is character—revealed in quiet, ordinary moments—that sustain one. You were not wrong to notice. And you are not wrong to choose accordingly. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
