DATING FORUM
By: Baila Sebrow
Question
I met somebody at a singles event who is divorced. I myself have never been married and it was refreshing to meet a man who is so marriage minded. Things are going great but there are still some things that bother me. For example, he has custody of his teenage daughter and whenever he gets something for me, he buys the same thing for her. I once pointed this out to him, and he accused me of being jealous. I’m totally not; I just find it freaky. Or he cancels dates for her for things that are not an emergency. There are other examples too, which I don’t want to say because he reads your column. But my main question is how much emphasis should I put into his relationship with his daughter and how could it affect my relationship with him?
Response
I have no doubt that your letter being published in the Dating Forum is going to trigger some people who have been in a relationship or marriage where their partner made them feel in competition with his or her child. It’s not about the age of the child, because issues can arise regardless of whether the child is a minor or even a married adult. Your question raises concerns that go way beyond whether a father loves his daughter. Of course, a parent should love, protect, and prioritize his child. A healthy parent-child bond is something to be respected. However, there is a difference between healthy devotion and a relationship in which boundaries become blurred.
The first thing that stands out to me is not simply that he buys his daughter the same things he buys you. It’s the pattern behind it. In a romantic relationship, a person’s partner should have a distinct place. A wife or future wife is not another child to be included in the same way, nor should she feel as though she is being absorbed into a parent-child unit rather than building a separate adult partnership.
When you expressed your feelings, his response that you were “jealous” is most concerning. A mature person should be able to hear a concern and explore it. His accusation is as though he is asking you, “Why are you jealous of my daughter?” Instead, he should be asking himself, “What is making the woman I’m in a relationship with feel uncomfortable, and is there something about our dynamic that needs attention?”
You also mentioned that he has custody of his teenage daughter. That is an important piece of information, not because having custody is necessarily a negative thing, aimed at the custodial parent. However, if you are considering marrying this man it is important to understand why the father in this case has primary custody. That can provide insight into the family dynamic. There are many reasons a parent may have custody, and each situation is different. However, when one parent has taken on an unusually dominant role in a child’s life, it is worth understanding whether the relationship is balanced or whether there may be an unhealthy level of dependence. So, let’s explore this a bit further.
I want to discuss the aspect of your question that deserves attention, about the fact that he has full custody of his teenage daughter. I will reiterate that a father having custody is not always a red flag. There are many good and healthy reasons why a father may have prime or sole custody. Perhaps the mother was unwilling or unable to parent consistently. Perhaps there were concerns about the child’s safety or stability. Perhaps the parents mutually agreed that living primarily with the father was in the child’s best interest. There are cases where fathers step in beautifully when circumstances require them to take on the larger parenting role, and that should be respected.
However, when considering marriage, it is reasonable to understand the complete picture. Custody arrangements do not happen out of nothing; they are usually the result of a complicated family history, and that history can affect a future marriage.
A person entering a serious relationship with a father that has custody of a child should seek to understand a few things about this complex structure. Why does he have custody? Was it a decision made cooperatively between both parents? Was it ordered by a court and why? Did the litigants play fairly or is one side accusing the other of corruption? What sort of conflict took place prior to the custody arrangement? What is the current relationship between both parents? Does the man speak respectfully about his former spouse, even if the marriage ended painfully?
As I began writing my response, another question popped into my mind that may or may not apply here. As you mentioned, he reads my column, so perhaps you may have left something out. However, it would be remiss of me to not consider if his teenage daughter is the sole child for which he gained custody. If there are multiple children and only one lives primarily with him, that may tell you a whole different story. If he has taken custody of one particular child, you can be sure there are unique circumstances surrounding that relationship. I’m sorry, but I had to put that out there.
Sometimes after a difficult divorce, a parent and child become extremely close because they have been through a stressful period together. That closeness can be loving and protective. But sometimes, without realizing it, a parent can become emotionally over-involved with a child and create a relationship where the child becomes the center of the parent’s emotional world. It may make it very difficult for a future spouse to find her rightful place. This can create a dynamic where either the child is placed in an adult emotional role or where the parent struggles to make room for a future spouse.
Regardless of his insulting and gaslighting accusation of you being jealous, please understand that other than this man, nobody else would think that. Your concern is not that a father loves his daughter deeply. The concern is whether the relationship he has with her is one of healthy boundaries. As much as a child should be loved, protected, and prioritized, she should not become like a substitute partner, confidante, or the center around which her parent’s entire emotional life revolves.
Your examples of buying identical items for you and his daughter, and canceling plans that are not emergencies raise questions about whether he knows how to maintain separate but important relationships. It may be completely innocent, but it’s worth delving into.
Moving forward, I urge you to learn more about the circumstances that led to his custody arrangement. Not in an accusatory way, but as someone who considers joining a family. You are not just getting to know a man; you are getting to know the family system that comes with him.
A successful marriage requires compassion for a person’s past while also being honest about how that past may affect the future. Understanding the story behind the custody arrangement is an important part of understanding whether this relationship can develop into a healthy marriage.
Which is why I am taking my response a bit further. Another important piece of this puzzle is understanding the story of the divorce from more than one perspective. When someone has full custody of a child, especially in a situation where there is significant conflict or distance between the parents, it is natural to want to understand how that arrangement came to be. That does not mean questioning his love for his daughter or assuming something negative. It means recognizing that marriage is a major life decision, and you are entitled to understand the family history you may be entering.
A person’s description of their former spouse can reveal a great deal about them. Does he speak about his ex-wife with fairness and restraint, even if the marriage ended badly? Does he acknowledge his own role in the breakdown of the marriage, or is the entire story framed as “she was the problem”? Can he recognize that his former spouse is still his child’s mother and that maintaining some level of respect is important?
If possible and appropriate, I urge you to learn more about the circumstances from another perspective to see the valuable context you can gain. Not because an ex-spouse’s account is automatically more accurate, but because major life events are rarely as simple as one person’s version. A divorce, custody arrangement, and parent-child dynamic are complicated stories with many layers.
However, I would caution you that if you choose to secretly investigate his ex’s version, that you do not create an adversarial situation. The healthiest approach is gaining transparency. You are interested in learning what led to the divorce, how custody was decided, what challenges they faced as parents, and how she might envision co-parenting going forward, if that’s even a consideration. I strongly warn you that the goal is not to take sides. The goal is to understand the situation.
A person’s past does not define them, and a divorced parent should not be judged simply because they have a custody arrangement. But again, when entering a relationship with someone who has children, you are not only marrying an individual, you are also becoming part of a family structure that already exists. Understanding that structure, including the history that created it, is an essential part of making a wise decision.
A man who is ready for marriage should understand that his future wife is not competing with his child. But he must also understand that marriage requires creating a new family structure—with appropriate boundaries and space for the marital relationship to grow.
Before becoming more emotionally invested, I would encourage you to have deeper conversations with him. Ask about his divorce, his custody arrangement, his relationship with his former spouse, and how he envisions balancing fatherhood and marriage. Pay close attention not only to his answers, but to whether he can discuss these topics openly and respectfully.
A devoted father can be a wonderful husband. But devotion without boundaries can create challenges for everyone involved. Love is healthiest when it allows every relationship to have its proper place.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
