DATING FORUM

Question

Hi Mrs. Sebrow,

I started reading your column when I was in 8th grade and now I have a question about something that happened to me on a date. I went out with a guy and he took me to a lounge. We both ordered Diet Coke. We had a nice conversation and things were going great. I was not particularly attracted to him, but I would have given it another shot at going out with him again. Then, when it came time to pay the check, he didn’t. I’m not joking about this. This really happened. My parents don’t believe me because they know his family and want me to go out with him again. He also wants to go out again. But now I’m confused. By the way, I’m 20 and he’s 26.

Response

First, let me tell you how much your letter touched me. You wrote that you started reading my column when you were in 8th grade, and now you have a dating question of your own. That’s incredibly meaningful to me! It reminds me that one day you’re reading about other people’s dating experiences and before you know it, you’re creating your own.

Let’s talk about your date. You met a 26-year-old young man at a lounge. The two of you ordered Diet Cokes, enjoyed a pleasant conversation, and by your own account, the date went well. You weren’t particularly attracted to him, but you were open-minded enough to consider going out with him again. Moreover, you are mature enough to understand that attraction can grow as you get to know the person by connecting emotionally. The fact is that many successful marriages began with a first date that wasn’t accompanied by fireworks, and I’m glad you were able to put that concept into practice.

But then the check came, and he didn’t pay. Or maybe it had not yet arrived and he made a dash to get out. When I read that sentence about not paying for the drinks, I blinked. Then I read it again. I thought perhaps I had misunderstood. Surely, he reached for his wallet after you looked away. Surely, there was some explanation. But according to your letter, he didn’t pay when the check arrived. I have stated in this column that when it comes to dating and shidduchim, very little shocks me anymore, but no matter how many stories I hear, I hope there is some logical explanation for the person’s behavior no matter how bad the situation appears to be.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time I’ve heard a story about people walking away from paying a check. There’s even a name for it: “dine and dash.” A dine and dash is when someone leaves the restaurant without paying for the food or drinks. It’s not merely poor etiquette; it’s taking something of value without paying for it, and allowing someone else to absorb the loss.

Your letter reminded me of something that happened to me recently. At a Shabbaton, two women called me just before Shabbos to haggle over the registration fee. They offered an amount so low that had they gone to a restaurant for all those meals, they would have paid considerably more. I explained that the organizer could not afford to accept their offer. Hotels, catering, meeting rooms, staff, entertainment, security, décor, and countless other expenses had already been paid for. In fact, accepting what they wanted to pay would have meant the organizer would have lost money.

Their response left me speechless. “Well, the food has already been cooked, so what’s the big deal?” That was their logic!

I immediately called the organizer and asked him how he wanted me to respond. Understandably, he declined. The calls didn’t stop. They repeatedly pressured me to convince him to let them attend anyway. Then Friday night arrived. To my astonishment, they simply showed up. They walked into the Shabbaton without paying, and sat themselves down at a table. Since it was Shabbos, the organizer didn’t want to embarrass them publicly. He graciously allowed them to remain for Shabbos. They participated in the meals, activities, lectures, social activities, etc. I kept hoping that after Shabbos, they would approach him, thank him for his kindness, and pay what they owed. They never did.

That incident has stayed with me because it revealed a troubling mindset: “Someone else has already paid for it, so why shouldn’t I benefit?” Whether it’s a restaurant, a café, a Shabbaton, or any other event, someone always bears the cost. Nothing is free. When someone enjoys what another person has worked hard to provide without paying for it, they are shifting the financial burden onto someone else.

The Shabbaton case I referenced is an extreme example of audacity, yet there are other circumstances where people crash events by finding a back entrance or some other way of gaining access. Then, there are people who don’t crash events, but hang out at the front entrance and shmooze with the guests and collect their phone numbers. I imagine they rationalize that they’re not stealing because they haven’t partaken of the refreshments, but as I explained earlier, the entire cost of an event is not just the food, it’s the entire infrastructure that the organizer has to bear.

Good dating etiquette is about responsibility, integrity, and consideration for others. I often tell singles that how a person handles the little things tells you far more than how they handle the big things. Do they arrive on time, or do they inform their date that they are running late? Are they respectful to the waiters? Do they say, “Thank you”? Do they make the other person feel comfortable? And then there’s the matter of the check: how they handle it is a window into their character.

Now, before everyone rushes to judge this young man, let me offer another perspective and give him the benefit of doubt. Is there possibly another explanation? Maybe he thought someone else had already taken care of it. Maybe he was distracted. Maybe he was inexperienced. I don’t know. That’s why I don’t believe one incident by itself defines a person’s character.

You parents don’t believe you because they know his family. But here’s something I’ve learned after decades of working with singles: Wonderful families can raise children who make poor decisions. Knowing someone’s family doesn’t mean you know how that individual behaves on a date. I will share with you that I’ve heard of such circumstances happening on dates. I’m sorry to say that other young ladies have reported similar incidents happening to them where the young man dines and dashes. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case. Your experience happened. Trust your observations.

You are asking me for advice about what to do. Based on what I’ve personally witnessed at events and stories I’ve heard, I am highly circumspect about the guy you went out with. But would I automatically tell you to never go out with him again? Not necessarily. If you otherwise enjoyed the conversation, another date might give you the opportunity to ask him what happened on the first date. His explanation and whether he takes responsibility for his actions may tell you far more than the incident itself. Dating is not simply to find out if you like a person; it’s about asking: Is this someone who accepts responsibility? Is this someone with sterling middos? Is this someone who considers how their actions affect others?

The fact that you wrote to me is telling me that even though you saw what he did, you’re not ready to write him off so fast. Perhaps it might have something to do with your parents encouraging you to go out with him again, or possibly deep down you can’t fathom that someone would deliberately take something without paying for it. If that is so, it would sit well with me to tell you to try another date that does not involve paying for a service. Speak to him and bring up the incident about the previous date and see how he responds. If he takes responsibility for it, and immediately takes action to pay it, then you can cut him some slack. Otherwise, if he laughs it off or justifies what he did, then you know exactly the type of character he possesses.

One final thought. One might think it was just about Diet Coke. The cost of two Diet Cokes is insignificant. But the lesson here is priceless. A person’s character isn’t measured just by what they do when the check arrives. Anyone can make good conversation for an hour. But integrity reveals itself when it’s time to accept responsibility. Whether it’s paying a restaurant bill, paying to attend an event, or simply doing what is right when no one is watching, these are the moments that define a human being. When dating, singles often focus on chemistry, attraction, and compatibility. Sure, those things matter. But honesty matters much more. Responsibility matters more. Integrity matters more. Because when beauty fades and conversations end, character remains. And character is priceless. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].

Watch Baila Sebrow on the 5TJT Podcast “Between The Lines” at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcoKYDOMkhA