DATING FORUM

Question

I am 30 years old and went to a great popular seminary in Israel, college, and now work in the medical field. My family is amazing. I’m considered attractive, fit, and well-dressed, but I can’t seem to find a normal guy. I’m not being picky; I’m looking for someone normal and frum who doesn’t play mind games.

I meet guys all the time through matchmakers, dating apps, and singles events. The ones I think have the qualities that I’m looking for take down my phone number, but they never follow through by asking me for a date. All they do is text me back and forth. This can go on for weeks until I just stop responding. The problem is that the next guy does the same thing. And I’m not the only girl who goes through this charade. My friends tell me the same thing and even my shadchanim are getting fed up with these guys.

What can I do to find a nice frum guy who doesn’t eat in treif dairy restaurants, is shomer negiah, has a decent job, looks good, and is just plain normal? If he doesn’t exist, then I’ll give up and stop wasting so much time, and in a few years, I’ll freeze my eggs and maybe have a baby on my own through in vitro fertilization. The older girls are doing this, and I know why—because the guys out there are not gentlemen. Sorry about my rant, but I’m sick and tired of crying myself to sleep every night, davening three times a day, saying Nishmas,Shir Hashirim, and every segulah that I see popping up on my phone, but nothing in my life ever changes.

Response

I have been zocheh to be a matchmaker for over 40 years. I take each situation that comes my way very seriously to the extent that I have still not been able to grow a skin so thick that I can’t feel each client’s pain. Each single person, regardless of how long they’ve been looking for their bashert, who is serious about getting married but experiencing major roadblocks, elicits great sympathy from me. My heart goes out to them. I have a long list of singles that I daven for, crying to Hashem to help them. I’m sharing this fact with you because whatever I tell you in response, please believe me that it’s coming from a place of love, empathy, and concern for you and all the young ladies in your situation.

You are one thousand percent correct that there are guys who are just looking for amusement and are not sincere in their desire for marriage. These are the guys who waste matchmakers’ time by asking them for introductions to young ladies, but though they talk the talk, they don’t walk the walk by bringing the relationships to fruition.

Yes, there are guys who play the games you mention. They text the young ladies and the young ladies text them back. It even starts to feel like a relationship for both. Truthfully, it’s what I call a situationship.

But here is where I blame the young ladies (and I ask you to forgive me if I inadvertently offend as that is not my intention): Why do you respond to them? When a guy receives your phone number via a matchmaker, a dating app, or a dating event, the accepted etiquette is that he should text the young lady afterwards, asking when would be a good time to chat. He then calls her and after only a few minutes into the conversation, he asks her out on a date. But if the guy lives out-of-state and he wants to meet her virtually, it requires a video date to start. The empty texting back and forth that goes on without going on a date is not normal. The only people who can put a stop to it are the young ladies. If a guy is texting you and does not call to ask you on a date, the power is in your hands to block him. You can feel free to share my advice with your friends. If these guys are looking for a pen pal, I’m sure there are websites and apps for those who just want to chat with no strings attached.

Regarding the guys who eat in non-kosher restaurants, that appears to be a “thing” that is going on nowadays. There are married people (and even matchmakers) who think it’s okay because, according to what they say, singles used to frequent places like Howard Johnson’s many years ago. I’m not familiar with that place, and I’m not here to judge anyone who ate there or those who eat in restaurants with no hechsher. What I state strongly is that if a young lady adheres to standards of kashrut, then clearly this guy is not for her. What I find mindboggling is why anyone who lives in a metropolitan area with accessible kosher restaurants feels the need to eat in non-kosher establishments. The excuse I’ve heard is that they “enjoy the ambiance.” My rebuttal is that there are plenty of upscale restaurants with ambiance that are kosher. Quite frankly, I feel it’s a sign of this relationship not being hashkafically compatible.

Here is where I might ruffle some feathers. And I ask you in advance to forgive me since, as I said earlier, it’s coming from a place of love and concern. You were quite descriptive in conveying yourself and your background. It sounds like you are a phenomenal young lady who comes from an equally phenomenal family. You describe the type of guy you would like to date and marry. You list qualities such as someone that doesn’t eat treif and is shomer negiah. These are non-negotiable factors, and you should most definitely not date a guy who is not religiously on your page. However, you also state that you want a guy who has a “decent job, looks good, and is just plain normal.” My question to you is what does a decent job look like to you? Is it a particular profession or type of profession that would meet with your approval? When you say that you want him to look good, does this mean a particular look that you find attractive or just a guy that takes care of himself and is put together? The most important question I have for you, and something I ask of every young lady who says she’s looking for a normal guy is, what do you consider normal? Mature people acknowledge that the term “normal” is subjective and varies according to culture, background, and accepted societal standards of behavior. “Normal’ is not a one-size-fits-all description.

If you are looking for a guy that works in a specific profession, then you could be limiting yourself particularly if that field is small. If you prefer a guy that earns a salary that equals or surpasses yours, it is possible that you could be limiting yourself with possibilities. Do you date guys that are of a specific height or other features that are important to you?

Whatever you’re looking for in a husband, you have to approach it the same way as if you were shopping for a special outfit. You might have the perfect image in your mind, but if you go from store to store and you can’t find the correct color, cut, shape, and look for the price you’re willing to pay, then you need to make peace with reality and find a way to modify your preferences. In other words, you cannot buy what is not available. I’m not telling you to settle for something you don’t want. Under no circumstances should you date a guy where you feel you are settling. That would, chas v’shalom, be a fatal mistake. Make a list of the qualities in a guy that are important to you and those that are absolute deal breakers and see where you can reasonably compromise.

I’m well aware that the statistics for egg freezing are soaring among unmarried Orthodox young ladies, and this trend is becoming so popular that they are doing it at a younger age than in the past. Like all medical procedures, there are risks, and I am not medically qualified to advise you for or against such a procedure. What I will tell you and that goes for women that choose to conceive via in vitro fertilization is if you go ahead with it, please don’t do it because you are choosing Option B because Option A does not check off all the boxes.

Such decisions are not to be considered impulsively. I’m specifically concerned about the children born from women who choose to have a child on their own, even more so if they live in a frum community where not everyone is open-minded. You have to have a solid plan in place that includes a very supportive family and extended family members who support your decision. Please look outside your daled amos or make a few modifications that you can live with. One never knows where their shidduch will come from, and what circumstances will bring two people together. Please do not give up. Continue your hishtadlus and connection to Hashem, and I’m confident that He will help you, and you will iy’H experience your personal yeshua of becoming a kallah. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].