DATING FORUM

By: Baila Sebrow

Question

Why should I still be frum after everything I have been through and am still going through? I was born into a frum family that had no money, and because of that my parents were treated like dirt. I went to a school where all the girls came from the same kind of rich families. They dressed to the nines every day, ordered takeout for breakfast and lunch, and went on family vacations a few times a year. 

My life was very different. My mother picked up clothes for me from tzedakah and gemach places, I ate whatever my mother packed for me, and we went nowhere for vacation. My classmates made fun of me because I was different, and I was also bullied and never invited to my classmates’ homes. I was excluded from birthday parties and sleepovers. My teachers saw what was going on, and they didn’t care. They would give middosawards to the bullies! These were the same teachers that preached how everyone should treat one another nicely. 

I davened and cried to Hashem to help me, but He didn’t listen to me. 

After high school, I got fed up with the hypocrisy in Yiddishkeit and I stopped being frum. My parents didn’t know the extent; they thought I was just modern. But I stopped keeping six hours after eating fleishig, and I ate whatever I wanted when I wasn’t home, even treif food. When my parents couldn’t see, even at home I didn’t really keep Shabbos.

I didn’t want to go to Israel after high school, even though I could have gone for free, and I went straight to work. I really loved my job, and I am still working there. For the first time in my life, I was finally happy, made friends (not frum or Jewish), and was accepted for who I am.

I always knew that I would never date a guy that wasn’t frum, so when I started to get serious about shidduchim, I knew that I had to start working on myself to become frum again. I became so makpid on everything: kashrus, keeping Shabbos, even tzniyus—covering my elbows and knees, not wearing tight-fitting dresses—and I was very happy with myself and Hashem. I started davening every day and saying Tehillim. 

Then I started going out on shidduch dates. Things were going well; I went out with nice boys, and although they were mostly not for me, I was hopeful, because I was getting redt shidduchim all the time. 

Then I was redt to a boy via a shidduch app who, it turned out, was a lowlife who got very fresh with me on a date. I told my parents, and my father called the rabbi of the boy’s shul, expecting that he would speak to the boy’s father about the things he said to me. The boy not only denied it but said that I was the one who was fresh! It was a lie, and his rabbi believed him. 

Then it got even worse: His rabbi called the rabbi of my shul, and now my rabbi believes this story about me. When people call my rabbi for a reference, he tells them untrue things about me. It got back to me that my rabbi says I’m not shomer negiah and that I don’t keep the laws of yichud. That’s such a lie! 

This happened last year, and I stopped going out on dates. I also stopped being frum, because I see that frum people are horrible, and now I’m not so sure that I want to raise a frum family. For what? So that my children will suffer like me? I have opportunities to date guys that aren’t frum, and they are so respectful. They would never talk to me in the way that horrible guy had the chutzpah to speak to me. I would date someone not frum, but if I marry someone not frum, it would kill my parents. Yet I don’t trust frum people. 

What I want to know is, have you ever had a case where a girl married a guy that’s not frum but was able to act like they are frum in front of her family? I know that is a long shot, but I read your column and I know that you say it like it is.

Response

Many years ago, there was a popular song, written by Paul McCartney and performed together with Stevie Wonder, called “Ebony and Ivory.” I’ve mentioned it in a previous Dating Forum response, because there are lyrics in that song that have resonated with me throughout all these years—particularly where it relates to shidduchim, but also people in general: “We all know that people are the same wherever you go / there is good and bad in everyone.” The fact is that people are people: some are nice, some are not, and still others can be downright cruel. You will find that among secular people, and sadly in the different frum communities too, as well as in different socioeconomic circles. 

Being nice or cruel is not owned by any one group or type of people. One of the reasons I believe you are hurting so badly is that when it’s one of your own kind that deliberately hurts you, it’s hard to get past that. Moreover, one would hope that the moral compass of a frum Jew would swing in the right direction.

Unfortunately, frumkeit to some is merely a costume rather than wholesomeness. But being frum is not about what one wears. If a person puts on a rabbit costume, does that make them a rabbit? In the same way, if a frum person wears clothing that reflects frumkeit but lives life immorally or unethically, then they are immoral or unethical. It’s the middos of the person that reflect who he is, not the clothing he wears. 

The problem is that people are taught from the time they are young that a frum person can be trusted. That’s why there’s so much internal tragedy. It’s sad that you have been deprived of being in the company of sincerely erliche people. The people you mentioned—from the bullies, to the teachers who did not protect you and instead rewarded your cruel classmates, to the guy who was fresh with you on a date, and even the people you refer to as rabbis—I cannot say that they are erliche. 

Anyone who stands by as another person is being hurt is just as guilty. And there’s a special place reserved for anyone that not only justifies cruelty but turns the victim into a perpetrator to make the perpetrator look good. When someone behaves in a manner that is anti-Torah, that is a rejection of Hashem and the Torah. They are the ones that aren’t frum! Frumkeit is not just about how one seems on the outside.

Regarding that guy who was inappropriate, I have a feeling that his rabbi had more than just one complaint about him. I’m certain that you are not the first young lady with whom he behaved that way while on a date. I would imagine that he called your rabbi at the insistence of his father, who was afraid that you would ruin his son’s reputation. The typical pathology in these demented characters is that when they feel threatened by exposure, they immediately go on the offense to silence their victims. What I take the most issue with (aside from your terrible experience with that creep) is that your rabbi does not believe you. Worse still is that he speaks ill of you, things that are not even true.

As a shadchan I have had shidduchim that fell apart when one’s own rav turned out to not be a good reference. I don’t know exactly what was said or whether or not it was true, but I insisted that the disparaged party change all the references on their résumé. In every case where they took my advice, there was improvement in their dating life, even to the point that they got married, baruch Hashem.

I don’t need to preach to you about the importance of being frum or marrying someone frum, because your neshamah craves Yiddishkeit. That’s why you went back to being frum when you were content and in a good place with your life. In fact, you put off finding a shidduch because you felt that you could not get married unless you were frum again. That was the piece that was missing in order to move on with finding a shidduch! You worked on yourself and you have come so far. Deep down you want to live a frum life; that’s why you went back to being frum. You have been hurt very badly by the people who you assumed are frum. Please try to accept that the people who hurt you are not frum; they are impostors.

We cannot force other people to change, but we can create change within ourselves. The people who hurt you will face their own consequences, and you don’t even need to do anything about it. You only need to move on with your life and succeed, not because of anyone but in spite of what anyone has done to you. Your enemies want to see you stay down; your enemies want to prove that they were right. And even if you would manage to find a non-frum guy that is willing to play the character of a frum man when visiting your parents, I do not think that is the life you truly want. Prove your enemies wrong and lift yourself up. You have come so far, and you will rise high, in spite of those bad people.

Whatever way that creep was fresh with you, and the despicable way it was mishandled, opened old wounds from your younger days of being bullied, when nobody came to your aid. You have been triggered and retraumatized. Please find a therapist that you can feel comfortable with, and also a rav for mentorship, and then cut all ties with anyone that has ever been a character reference for you. Start fresh.

I need to also use this opportunity to talk a little bit about WhatsApp shidduch groups. There are hundreds of them out there, and I often worry about their safety. You need to remove yourself from those groups too. Start fresh, and make sure that any new group you join has just one admin who is also a shadchan, and that the group is not run hefker. I’m not trying to disparage any group that sincerely wants to make shidduchim, but the problem is that you can never know which members are safe and which are not. You need to speak to the admin and make sure that every member is vetted, and that the group’s goal is not about growing its membership numbers, but rather that it only allows people that are appropriate to the group’s mission. 

Please implement these changes as soon as possible, and may you see immediate positive results in your life. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].