DATING FORUM

Question

I met a girl at an event and thought she was pretty, so I asked her out without doing much background research. Over the course of a four-month relationship, she cheated on me, manipulated me, and gaslighted me. And worse: she was secretly dating five other people while living with another man, all the while telling me we were in an exclusive relationship. When I told her my concerns, she deflected with bizarre explanations (like saying she always wanted to be a man), or tried to turn it around on me.

Even when my friends caught her at a singles’ event, she insisted it didn’t mean anything, saying and that I just have low self-confidence. After an experience like that, I’m wondering how to better research people since even references and mutual contacts often lie or hide red flags. Also, how can a person who has already spent thousands of dollars on a person they’re dating, not to mention time and energy, think rationally and not overlook these obvious red flags?

Response

From what you’re saying, the only honest thing this young lady has said in the entire relationship is that you have low self-confidence. From the beginning, it sounds like she cheated on you, manipulated you, and gaslighted you. As if that was not enough to make anyone run for the hills, she was dating five other people and living with a man—which means she was cheating on him! And then this bizarre confession that she always wanted to be man! Although you had no idea about the many ways she was cheating on you while you were in this so-called “exclusive relationship,” once you found out, the question is, what did you do about it? The answer is that you spent thousands of dollars plus time and energy being mistreated.

This young lady wasn’t playing you clandestinely; she was completely upfront about what she was doing, and didn’t even deny it. Actually, it’s possible that she doesn’t think she was being dishonest with you at all. In fact, it’s possible that in her mind, she did not even cheat on you (maybe the other guys, but not you). She showed you exactly who she is and you chose not to believe it! This is not about ignoring all those red flags. The flags were moved aside for you to get a front row view of what this relationship meant to her. There was no exclusivity where she was concerned. It’s possible that since there was no ring on her finger, in her mind she felt as if she had all the liberty in the world to live her life according to her desires. You were just one of the many guys in her life, and you were likely hoping that she would one day have a “eureka moment” and declare you as her one and only. That sort of fantasy materializes maybe in a fictional movie; but in real life, what you see is what you get.

This was an extreme case, but with respect to you, you missed no red flags. You wanted her so badly that you were willing to put up with whatever behavior she demonstrated just to be in her life, regardless of how small the slice she offered you. I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to recognize what truly happened and take responsibility for your part in enabling her to use you financially and emotionally. It sounds like this relationship is entirely over, at least I hope it is, and that you are ready to move forward. It may be helpful to reflect on the reasons why this situation continued for as long as it did.

Without self-awareness, similar toxic patterns may occur in future relationships. Someone who is victimized by others is not at fault for the initial abuse because their vulnerabilities from their past made them susceptible, but the risk of re-victimization increases if one’s emotional and psychological responses are not addressed. Please do some self-introspection, and preferably with professional assistance.

You may have difficulty recognizing dangerous patterns in unhealthy relationship dynamics. You might also have a higher tolerance for mistreatment because you don’t realize when a relationship is unhealthy and toxic. That’s why you remained passive and failed to extricate yourself from the relationship the minute it became obvious that it wasn’t a normal dating situation. And yes, you did everything you could to demonstrate to her that you have low self-confidence. She was smart enough to believe that no matter how much she disrespected you, her needs are more important to you than your honor, needs, or respect. You demonstrated that you agreed with her by splurging thousands of dollars on her. When it comes to missing red flags, an emotionally intelligent person can fall into this kind of situation because people often suppress their awareness and make excuses for bad behaviors in a relationship, usually because the influence of feel-good hormones clouds our judgment. As soon as someone becomes emotionally connected to a significant other, it can reach the point that they can tell you anything and you would believe them, because the trust factor has settled in and you feel safe with that person. In fact, gaslighting in a relationship doesn’t happen in the very beginning. It starts once the gaslighter believes their partner is so hooked that they would believe anything, even that a Martian landed on their dining room table.

The term “gaslighting” came from the play “Gaslight” and its later film adaption. “Gaslight” tells the story of a manipulative husband who deliberately dims the lights in his home, but denies he has done so to his wife in order to make her think she is going insane. The term “gaslighting” was later adopted to describe this type of manipulative and abusive behavior. Deflection is also a manipulation tactic to make the victim question their own reality, but that is more of a defense mechanism to avoid taking responsibility for negative actions. In a healthy relationship each partner owns up to what they have done wrong. Continuous deflection is all part of the toxicity that in most circumstances goes hand in hand with gaslighting.

With all that said, when you get attached to someone, it’s possible to miss the early signs of manipulation and therefore reduce the ability to assess that this person means trouble. That’s why you need to look at what you see in front of you. Never make excuses for how someone behaves. It’s no excuse if they’ve had a bad day at work or family issues or other troubles. That’s not a reason for them to mistreat you. In a healthy relationship, no partner should be anyone’s punching bag. And no, don’t expect changes while dating someone. The person will not become who you want them to be. If anything, whatever you see will exacerbate.

You need to go slow when you start a relationship by controlling your emotions and not falling in love so quickly because you see a pretty face that is eager to date you. If something feels off, it’s your gut sending you warning signals. Your subconscious knows you better than you know yourself. If you feel suspicious about someone’s actions, don’t make excuses for them. If someone reports to you that they’ve seen your date at a singles event, asking for explanations is useless. Such actions speak louder than actual words. I always encourage singles to have a trusted, objective third party involved to talk to on a regular basis to rehash and debrief about dates and conversations. I’m not referring here to a friend for venting purposes. Once you have reached a stage where you need to vent, it means the problems have already set in. You need to avoid ever getting to that stage.

I agree that references are not always accurate, but certain patterns are. Inaccuracies do not necessarily mean that someone is lying about the person you’re inquiring about, but people can demonstrate various sides to their personalities depending on who they’re trying to impress. The most important factor before you go on a date is to find out if the person is living a stable life in terms of their family, school, long-term friends, and job. Once you have ascertained these basic but important factors, the next step is to find out the individual’s dating history. Who has the person dated and what happened to those relationships? What about friendships? Does this individual have long-term friendships? Healthy people can maintain friendships for years while unhealthy individuals experience frequent fallouts. The same with school or employment. What is the individual’s relationship with family members? Does the individual have normal (socially acceptable) eating and sleeping patterns or are they haphazard? I am not telling you to nitpick; rather, it’s about searching for unhealthy patterns or patterns that would make you uncomfortable if you were in a relationship with that person.

Before I conclude, it would be remiss of me to not broach the topic of communication in a relationship. If you are totally serious about the person you’re dating, express your feelings early on and listen to how they respond. Ask open-ended questions, such as how she feels about exclusivity and if she believes exclusivity means that you’re serious about marrying that person. Have her respond with more than just a yes or no answer. Encourage detailed responses to help you gain a clear understanding of her perspective. You must be completely clear and honest and create a positive environment so she feels comfortable coming to you with any concerns or changes about the way she feels. Check in frequently by having serious conversations about the future. Also, if you’re truly serious about marrying somebody, aimless dating does not encourage feelings of stability in the young lady. Whatever happened in that relationship with the young lady, I truly believe that much of your pain could have been prevented. It’s now behind you; let it stay there. Focus on what you have learned and apply that as a tool for the future. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].