DATING FORUM

Question

I’m not an official shadchan, but I try to help singles all the time. I find that it is the girls who generally say no most of the time. When I redt a shidduch to a boy, I can usually convince him to go on at least one date, but not the girls. When they don’t like something on a boy’s résumé, there’s no way they will ever give it a chance. I don’t have as much experience dealing with all types of singles, but from the ones I have known, this has been my experience. I would really like to hear what’s going on with other shadchanim and how they deal with this issue because I think it’s terrible that so many amazing girls are not getting married and I would like to know what we can do about it to help them.

Response

I will start off by thanking you for taking the initiative to assist singles and also to let you know that what you’re doing for the klal is tremendously appreciated. You raised an excellent question that is oftentimes discussed in private at Shabbos tables and among shadchanim as they network on behalf of the singles they represent. The problem is that few want to publicly address the issues that are sitting there, and so finding a solution becomes that much harder.

I always play fair by looking at a situation from both perspectives, and I will do it here too. What you are bringing up is that it appears to be the young ladies who are the ones saying no when they are being redt a shidduch. I cannot definitively agree with you that it is only the girls who are declining shidduch suggestions. I see it in the boys, too. The crisis of unmarried people exists across the board, among all age groups, life statuses, and hashkafos. I needed to put that out there for informational purposes. However, since you specifically addressed the issue that exists among young ladies, I will share with you what many experienced shadchanimhave observed about why they say “no” more often and what might be the best approach in alleviating the dilemma.

The fact is there is tremendous pressure on young ladies to get married, and the pressure is not just to get married young and the fear of being the last girl in their high school class or seminary to get married; it is also the fear of marrying a man who is incompatible to the extent that they might feel that they are settling. That pressure often causes them to turn down what would be otherwise a suitable suggestion even before giving it a chance.

I have spent about a decade and a half arguing and debating in public forums about the dangers of résumés, that all they’re useful for is nixing a suggestion on what would otherwise be a suitable match. When the trend of résumés became the acceptable mode to redt shidduchim, from the very beginning I started a campaign on social media called “Baila Sebrow Says No To Shidduch Résumés.” Though many people agree with me about why résumés can be problematic and should be stopped, the problem is so pervasive that it needs to end on a grand scale. It’s too late for that now, because it’s way too widespread to the extent that even when singles meet organically at a singles’ event or someone’s Shabbos table for a meal, they usually will not go ahead with a date until résumés are exchanged and everything written on it checks out to their personal stipulations. That’s why shadchanim are needed at singles events, not just to facilitate introductions, but to follow up after the event to make sure the résumés are exchanged and dates are arranged.

People who are from the previous generation find all this to be comical, because in previous years, when a guy liked a young lady he met at an event, he would ask for her phone number, and if she agreed to go out with him, it followed a natural path. There were no shadchanim needed to follow up after events in the old days and surprisingly, people actually managed to get married much easier than today. With simple arithmetic, one can see that there is a huge societal problem in the frum dating world. We have more shadchanim and frum events these days than ever before, yet fewer shidduchim than ever before! So, clearly something is very wrong, yet no one changes anything. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” That’s what is happening today. Shidduch résumés become dealbreakers before a single word is exchanged. You can redt shidduchim all day long, but the young ladies (and sometimes their families) focus on “paper” compatibility, such as school, yeshiva, siblings, parents, job, hashkafa, etc., as the list is endless.

Another issue is that young ladies have been hurt or disappointed by prior suggestions and unfortunately, they feel the need to say no to protect themselves. After repeated disappointments or negative experiences, they become emotionally guarded. It’s like telling the boss who fired an employee, “I’m not fired, I quit.” Then, of course, there are young ladies who are so burnt out and jaded that it’s easier to say no than to take a chance with their feelings. In most cases it’s really emotional fatigue. This natural defense mechanism sadly has the potential to close the door to happiness.

Sometimes, the problem is that there is a mismatch between expectations and reality. For example, young ladies are instructed either from home, school, or social circles to look for a particular type of guy that would make a good husband, what they refer to as “the right one.” That can mean anything related to learning, personality, finances, physical appearance, etc. When a suggestion is made and somehow the guy doesn’t seem to make the cut, it’s usually a hard no to the suggestion. Guys have expectations too, but it is more common for men to be a bit more inclined to take a chance and agree to a date, though it does not always mean they will want to go out again either. I must stress that this is a case-by-case-situation.

When someone wants to bake a cake or cook a dish, and they are missing certain ingredients, but they still want to make it anyway, they will typically improvise for a successful outcome. We know what the problems are, and we know that some changes will not happen overnight or at all, so as shadchanim or anyone that helps singles, we need to work with what we have.

What you can do when you redt a shidduch to a young lady is to try to normalize the idea that a first date is just a meeting and not an expected trip down the aisle to the chuppah. What I try to do when dealing with the résumé calamity is that I present a shidduch as a person, as in years past, before showing the résumé. If it means making a phone call to the guy and young lady, that’s exactly what I recommend you do. Sometimes, hearing the positive qualities and why you thought of the shidduch can help with decreasing “no” as a final judgement.

I want to make something very clear. Sensitivity and empathy are a must and kavod habrios should never be compromised when redting a shidduch. Singles do not need any more pressure than they are already dealing with. They need reassurances and sincere warmth. Never give any lectures about being “too picky,” or make inferences about it. So, in the end, if your sincere attempts still elicit a “no,” it is okay to ask why so you can better assist them in the future, but respect their decision without making them feel bullied or pressured into going on a date. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with them or not, ultimately, it’s their choice.

In conclusion, anyone who helps singles is partnering with Hashem. That is something we must never lose sight of. When redting shidduchim, it is best to not do it by rote. Rather, establish a rapport with anyone you try to assist. With an established relationship, it is much easier to encourage the young ladies to approach dating with openness and curiosity, and that dating can really be a fun experience. First dates, even the ones that don’t end up leading to a second date, do not mean lowering their standards. It’s about offering clarity and a deeper understanding of what one truly values in a spouse. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].