DATING FORUM

Question

My friends and I read the article last week about the lady who says she’s not a real shadchan, but helps singles and she thinks the girls are more likely to say no to a shidduch suggestion than a guy. We have plenty to say on this topic and I hope you print my letter. All of these ladies should stop redting shidduchim. Singles don’t need new committees of ladies who call themselves “shadchanim” but are really just bored housewives looking for something to do, or perhaps looking for new amusements or to gain popularity for doing mitzvos. Or maybe they just plain need a break from their husbands.

Do you want to know what we think? These ladies are very mean people, yet they think they’re actually kind.

Sure, we say no to shadchanim when they make a suggestion that they think might be a good idea but in actuality, it’s all about them and not about us. They don’t even hide their feelings anymore. Just last week there was a video that went viral in which a shadchan proudly screamed that she will not set up a short girl with a tall guy!

And it’s not just about height. Shadchanim will not set up singles whose parents are divorced; they won’t mix rich with poor, even if everything else checks off. The whole thing is so distasteful. Here’s what I say to the lady in last week’s column and every other shadchan who acts like a “know it all” and tries to play G-d: Yes, we will continue to say no to your suggestions of what you think is good for us but are not what we’re looking for. We won’t go out with them and we don’t care what you think. If you want to have a mitzvah, set us up with what we want, not what you think is good.

Sorry about my rant. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way about every shadchan. Some are good people, but I think some of the ladies that I meet through WhatsApp groups or other gatherings where there are a bunch of ladies from committees who call themselves “shadchanim” should stop trying to make shidduchim. Maybe then we’ll get married. Let them find another mitzvah like baking challah and leave us alone with their stupid ideas that hurt us. End of rant.

Response

That was a powerful and emotionally charged letter: raw, honest, and very much from the heart. Your letter expresses frustration many singles feel toward the “shidduch system,” especially when even well-meaning volunteers overstep boundaries and act insensitively. Having said that, I want to thank you for your passionate letter and for being so honest. The frustration is so real and hangs thickly in the air. I hear it loud and clear from your letter and from what I’ve observed over the years. Singles today are under enormous pressure and the last thing they need is to feel judged or controlled by the very people who claim to be helping them.

You’re right that there are some people who call themselves “shadchanim” but forget that this role requires sensitivity, humility, and respect. It’s not a popularity contest, and it’s not about what we think is “best.” It’s about listening to who the single is, what they’re looking for, and what matters to them. When a shadchanforgets that, even a well-meant suggestion can feel like an insult.

Shadchanus changed drastically when I first became a shadchan. I remember when I made my first shidduch at the tender age of 18, I thought it was a fluke, but when it started progressing to more matches, and organizing large singles events, I felt intense fear, because I recognized that this is not just a random act of chesed, but that every shidduch is orchestrated by Hashem. I understood that if I continued doing this on a grand scale, I must get training, mentorship, and guidance. Shadchanus was considered very serious in those days—not like today, where anyone can decide that they’re an expert just because they set up a few friends.

Back then, there were fewer shadchanim operating actively because it took a lot of time to set up just one couple. In those days, there were no buttons sent on a computer and phone, where you can match people you never met, as is done these days. So, I reached out to a holy rebbetzin, a’h, who was a well-known shadchan in her time, and she became my point person. She carried out every shidduch suggestion in her shadchanus with tremendous trepidation due to her incredible yiras shamayim and her complete emunah that Hashem endows the shadchan with the right qualities to partner with Him.

Building a database in those days was no simple matter. It required footwork and phone work to go places where one might meet singles and interview each one individually. Shidduchim were not redt by résumés, but by consistent long conversations with all parties. By the time a shadchan redt a shidduch, he or she knew the single so well that there was very little margin for error. Baruch Hashem, I have since had the zechus to service thousands of singles worldwide, and to this day I still look back at the notes I took when we talked for guidance.

Nowadays, it’s very simple for any person to become a shadchan and gain a database. All they have to do is join a few WhatsApp groups for shidduchim and start clicking “send” buttons, matching people they have no clue about. And if they have leadership inclinations, they can start their own WhatsApp group by adding members from other groups, and in a very short time they become famous for having a big WhatsApp shidduch group. Meanwhile, they have never met most of the members and communicated very little with the ones they had contact with. And it gets better. These admins (as they’re called) not only grow their group by adding members from other groups, they oftentimes post singles without their permission to make it seem as if their group is active. I want to make it clear that this is not meant to minimize the hard work and dedication of some admins. But the people you complain about in your letter are the ones who gain their database of names from third parties and have no clue how to communicate with the ones they are trying to assist.

When the WhatsApp shidduch groups first started, it was utilized legitimately and with pure intentions. However, within the last 10 years and with hundreds and hundreds of groups out there, it has sometimes turned into a three-ring circus. Yet, I still give those groups credit as they have managed to also make shidduchim, and kudos to them for doing so, which proves that Hashem is really the One in charge.

I recently initiated a research exploration that I believe offers valuable insight into the dynamics of contemporary shidduch networking. My database currently includes over 25,000 singles representing a wide range of ages, backgrounds, and hashkafos. While the majority of my clients prefer to be set up privately rather than through WhatsApp shidduch groups, there is a segment that seeks broader exposure and actively participates in these platforms.

To better understand the evolving landscape of these groups, and to assist those who value that form of engagement, I created a curated WhatsApp group dedicated exclusively to shidduchim. I invited only individuals who expressed genuine interest in joining, being featured, or who assist singles. As anticipated, many of these members were subsequently added to other groups. Recognizing that this would likely occur, I exercised considerable discretion in selecting participants, fully aware that their inclusion would naturally extend to other groups seeking to build membership.

From the outset it became clear that WhatsApp shidduch groups operate with a wide range of structure, tone, and purpose. Some are managed by responsible moderators who maintain clear guidelines and prioritize discretion, while others appear focused more on increasing membership numbers and activity rather than fostering meaningful connections.

A noticeable trend I observed is that once a single’s profile is posted in one group, it tends to circulate rapidly across multiple platforms, often without the individual’s knowledge or consent. This uncontrolled sharing may increase exposure, but it also diminishes privacy and, at times, results in redundant or inaccurate representations of the same person.

Another finding is that while these groups can serve as a valuable networking tool for some singles, particularly those that are proactive and comfortable with public exposure, they can also create frustration and therefore become counterproductive. Not only that, but another key factor is that there are matchmakers who meet singles at events or at committee gatherings such as you referenced, and add them to WhatsApp groups, oftentimes presenting them without permission. This all proves that technology cannot replace the discernment, sensitivity, and personal touch that are essential in meaningful matchmaking.

A quote I often use is that I like to play it fair by offering another side. Most shadchanim I know and the ones that I personally speak to and often network with genuinely care and spend hours trying to make a shidduch work, even when they get ignored, ghosted, insulted, or criticized. Many have cried real tears when their efforts are misunderstood. They are human, and they don’t always get it right, but most are trying their best without pay or thanks.

So yes, singles deserve to be heard and respected. But maybe both sides can try to meet in the middle. Singles can communicate more clearly about what they want, and shadchanim can learn to listen better, without judgement. If we could start from mutual respect instead of resentment, perhaps that would increase some real matches. In most circumstances, shadchanim are all on the same team: wanting singles to find their bashert. Let’s not lose sight of that. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].