DATING FORUM

Question

I’m a twenty-three-year-old preschool teacher who’s been dating without much luck for four years. I finally met a guy who said he was learning seriously in a local yeshiva, which was something I really admired. However, my parents were skeptical about him being a “learner.” I ignored their concerns because I truly believed in him.

Without telling me, my mother put an AirTag on his coat to see if he actually goes to shul, and according to the tracking data, he doesn’t. He also leaves kollel for hours at a time. I’m shocked because honesty and integrity matter so much to me. At the same time, I feel guilty that this information was obtained from such an invasion of privacy. How do I confront him without sounding like a stalker? And if he was lying about something this basic, how can I trust him with anything else? Please advise.

Response

Not only does your question leave me baffled, it also leaves me feeling cold with shivers down my spine. There are times when people read some of the letters that are published in this column and they are skeptical whether they are true, so I have no doubt your letter will arouse similar suspicions. This letter is a very scary situation of circumstances. These types of scenarios are unfortunately common in abusive relationships, where the abuser tracks the location of their victim to ascertain their honesty regarding their whereabouts, and generally it’s about controlling their victim.

What is even more terrifying is that such a dirty invasion doesn’t just stop there. It includes an invasion into other privacy and security areas. Nowadays, with everyone using a cell phone, in many cases, this type of abuse includes the perpetrator monitoring their victim’s phone (without their permission or knowledge) through various methods, most of which require either physical access to the victim’s device, access to their account credentials, or tricking the victim into installing spyware. There are other methods too, which are often used in family situations, where the perpetrator has access to shared accounts, but really it is easy enough for a perpetrator to also use a legitimate feature like “Find My” app to track the victim’s location and view call and text logs. There are other techniques too, but suffice it to say that all of this is done in order to monitor the victim’s electronic communications and locations. Aside from this being unlawful monitoring, the danger is that the perpetrator not only has full viewing of their victim’s exchanges with various parties, but it also allows the ability to type messages in RealTime, making it seem like the sender is the victim.

I must warn you that whatever I say in response to your letter is not to encourage you to transgress the mitzvah of kibud av v’em. Your mother is still your mother, and you are still obligated to respect her according to halachah. That you wrote to me is very telling that this is a painful and confusing situation, and it’s understandable that you feel torn. You are disturbed by the guy’s possible dishonesty, as well as feeling uneasy about how the truth was uncovered. Please understand that I am not placing any blame on you, and so I will break this down as gently as I can while remaining clear about how I think you should handle it.

You need to be able to separate the two issues: his integrity versus your mother’s methods. From your perspective, and the main reason why I believe you wrote to me, is that you are questioning if your shidduchdate was entirely honest with you about who he is and how he lives his life. If he presented himself as a serious learner, and if that is central to your core values, discovering that he is not living that life can feel like a major breach of trust. This is why you are so torn: because whether or not the information came through honest means, to you it reveals something important about his character.

My issue is with your mother’s use of an AirTag to track him. As far as I’m concerned, this is the most troubling aspect. Not just regarding where he is when he’s supposed to be learning or going to minyan, but your mother has all the makings of a mother-in-law from hell. I’m sorry I have to say it so bluntly, but what she did was egregious, and there is nothing she can say in her defense about what she did to the young man. If this relationship ends, as painful as it will be for you, he will have dodged a fatal bullet.

You really need to address your mother’s behavior, perhaps with a third party. Healthy relationships of all types can only survive when there is respect for boundaries. You have not shared anything else about your mother, but it would not surprise me that there is more going on in your home that might be similarly unhealthy. On a side note, your mother must have done research to find out if an AirTag attached to a coat would not be considered muktzeh if he uses the coat on Shabbos. It’s amazing to what degree some people will go to exercise control and abusive behavior.

Where do you go from here with regard to confronting this poor guy? Personally, I’m torn between immediately disclosing the truth to him about what your mother did, which is my advice if for whatever reason this relationship continues. He deserves to know what he’s getting himself into if he becomes your mother’s son-in-law.

For the time being, focus on honesty and consistency with him, and you can start off by saying how you value those traits in a future husband. You might want to say that you have been hearing things that make you question whether he is still learning seriously and going to minyan. Stress to him that you’re not accusing him, but that it matters to you and you need to understand what is true and what are just unsubstantiated rumors. This will allow you to observe his reaction, if he becomes defensive or evasive.

He might sincerely admit the truth, that he’s not learning right now and give you some logical explanation that you’re comfortable with. Meaning, maybe he’s assisting a family member with health appointments or another important issue. The thing is, even if he is in fact sincere with you that he does not miss any seders in learning, but it turns out that he doesn’t wear that particular coat (or any coat) when he goes to learn, how could you ever know if he’s telling the truth without revealing the AirTag invasion? This is why I’m very sorry to say that I feel that this relationship is unfortunately, just plain doomed.

Another important point is when you ask him, he will likely ask you where you got your information from. Sure, you can dance around the answer by saying someone told you, and that all you care about is to ascertain its accuracy. You don’t need to immediately share with him about the AirTag tracking in the first sentence, because then you’ll never hear his side, as things will become very ugly before you have a chance to get the facts straight.

If it turns out that he was lying (and again, he might not be using that coat when he goes to learn) and indeed misrepresented himself, claiming to be a committed learner, so yes that is a major red flag. You would be right to question whether you can trust him in other areas, not just in the realm of religiosity but money matters, and also basic emotional transparency.

Going forward, as I said, you need to take up the issue with your mother about boundaries. As bizarre as this situation is, in her mind, she might actually believe that her intentions were pure and that she wanted to protect her daughter. I don’t know where she’s coming from in her life, or maybe something that has happened to you or a sibling in the past may explain why she conducts herself this way. However, she crossed the line, and I’m certain it won’t stop there. With these types of situations (of crossed boundaries), you must make her understand that she’s in the wrong and depending on her mental health status, you can gently acknowledge her concern but firmly insist that you must be in control of your relationships. I urge you to take this matter very seriously regarding your mother. I also recommend that you reach out to your rav and work out a plan that will respectfully exclude your mother from having any kind of interaction with any guy you date where she can attach an AirTag. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].