DATING FORUM

Question

My son is dating a girl who has self-harmed in her past via cutting. We didn’t know much about her until they started getting serious. They met on their own at a summer program when they were both in high school and she seemed lovely. After high school, my son went to learn in Israel, and she went to seminary.

I know they kept in touch as when they both came back to the States, they continued where they took off. They have been dating seriously since then, and now they want to get engaged. We had not previously researched her background, but people began calling us after they saw her in our neighborhood and they relayed some concerning incidents from her past.

We are now apprehensive about the potential long-term impact these experiences may have had on her. When it came out that she cut herself as a teenager, we didn’t know what to do about it. We found this out from our son. Apparently, he kept it from us until we told him what we “heard” about her family.

My son says she has a therapist, and she’s like all the other girls out there. We just think she’s good at hiding her problem and is really mentally unstable. How could she have gone through all she did and still be normal? We are very scared that he should get engaged to her. What advice can you give us?

Response

I’m glad you reached out instead of impulsively reacting to shield your son from something that is scary to you and the rest of the family. You are dealing with something that is emotionally complex and realistically, full of unknowns. When it comes to your child’s future, every parent feels protective regardless of their age. I will try to offer you some guidance that I feel is both practical and emotionally grounded, but more important, that is fair to everyone involved.

A young woman who has gone through trauma or has engaged in self-harm is not automatically unstable, dangerous, or unfit for marriage. Many deeply responsible, high-functioning, emotionally healthy adults have a history of trauma. In many cases, they are often stronger because of what they have worked through. Past self-harm does not necessarily indicate she is currently unwell or unsuitable. However, your concerns are not irrational either. You simply need more information and clarity.

Cutting is almost always a coping response to being emotionally overwhelmed. Only a mental health professional can determine whether there is something else going on in terms of instability of other issues. You mentioned that she comes from a dysfunctional family background. It may be possible that she is highly sensitive, and having been through emotional and familial chaos, she used unhealthy methods to numb or regulate her pain. With proper treatment, it’s possible to heal and lead a healthy, normal life. So, it lends itself to asking critical questions: Is this something from her past that has been treated, or is it current and unmanaged?

From your son’s perspective, he sees this young lady as she is now, not her history. She is functioning, pleasant, stable, religiously connected, and serious about building a Jewish home. And as far as everyone knows, is under the care of a therapist. As a parent, you naturally view your son’s relationship through a protective lens. Truthfully, neither side is wrong.

Please bear in mind that many people with difficult family backgrounds can emerge as very compassionate, resilient, self-aware, and committed to creating an emotionally healthy home for their children. Most of them want to finally achieve stability. It’s almost as if they do well in life not because of where they come from, but despite where they come from. There are people out there that if you didn’t know they came from such a difficult past, you would assume they had a perfect life. A tough upbringing does not doom someone to a dysfunctional future marriage.

However, these types of scenarios do occasionally come up in shidduchim, and in terms of addressing the issues, rabbanim, and shadchanim usually look into them when the situation arises. You need to know if her self-harm is truly in the past or still happening. There is a world of difference. Your son says that the young lady is in therapy. Does that mean she is consistently in therapy with a qualified professional? If yes, that is good news: it means she takes responsibility for her emotional health. My biggest concern (as it is in all shidduchrelated questions), is whether she is willing to be totally transparent and honest before that ring is on her finger. A person who can admit that they went through a lot, got help, and is still working on themself is far healthier than someone who pretends they have no struggles.

I absolutely caution you to not pressure your son by telling him that you think she’s unstable. Please stop speaking to a bunch of people who probably have no idea what really went on in the young lady’s life and are just repeating what they heard from a third, fourth, or fifth party. No one should ever rely entirely on what anyone has to say. You need first-hand knowledge when it comes to a potential marriage.

You don’t mention anything about your relationship with the young lady, so I’m hoping that your son is serious with her so that you don’t approach her suspiciously. If you do, that could backfire heavily. Nor should you convey the message to your son that past trauma guarantees future disaster. All this advice, if you don’t take it seriously, can only serve to push your son to protect her all the more (from you) and push you away from him.

There is nothing wrong with speaking to your son in a manner of concern for his happiness. Let him feel that this is not about you or what anyone has to say. In many circumstances, if there is a therapist involved in a person’s life, and there are concerns about their future coping skills as a spouse and parent, it would be proper for your son to speak to their therapist. This can only be accomplished if the young lady allows it. A responsible therapist will not hide serious instability. What your son should try to determine is if she is currently stable and if her past coping habits have been resolved. It’s very important to also find out if she is marriage-ready or just looking to escape to a new reality, and if there are any clinical concerns regarding her ability to handle married life.

Your son can expect some pushback when it comes to her allowing him to speak to her therapist. It might not even have anything to do with her, but something private she likely shared with her therapist about her life. Another point is if the young lady does not feel secure that he will marry her, then she might also be afraid that her secrets will become public knowledge. Please understand that this is a very delicate matter. Another point to bear in mind is that even if she’s not hiding anything, allowing her fiancé to speak to her therapist might feel unsettling to her.

If speaking to her therapist is not possible, you might want to encourage your son to speak openly with her about what healing looks like to her. Also, if there is anything else she should share with him about how she handles life’s stresses when it becomes overwhelming. He should be very frank and ask her point-blank if her self-harm of cutting herself is completely in the past. He needs to ask her how she regulates her stress now, and what tools she learned in therapy. The most important question he needs to ask her is whether she feels emotionally ready for marriage. Her ability to respond honestly to his questions will be very telling about what he can expect in the future.

You have not disclosed anything regarding her relationship with her parents and how they could potentially affect her future marriage. I hope your family and especially your son has the chance to get to know them and address whatever issues you feel need attention. Perhaps it would be a good idea if you got a ravinvolved. In conclusion, you can only do so much, and whatever your son decides, please respect his decision and make him feel secure that you are there for him. I will leave you with something to bear in mind, that a person who works on him or herself can be a far healthier spouse than someone who appears perfect but has no emotional skills. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].