DATING FORUM
Question
I’m writing to you because as a shadchan, you need to know what’s going on and if you already know then you need to speak up for all the girls who are scared to say anything. On the night of our wedding my kallah revealed something that happened to her a few years ago. Her shadchan was friends with another shadchan who knew a guy they both thought would be great for her. On paper, he had everything she was looking for. Their first date was great. He was handsome, well-dressed, intelligent, educated, frum, smart, had a great family, and excellent parnassah. They went on a second date. The date was also good. Then, when he was driving her home, he suddenly stopped the car, pointed to his apartment, and invited her to go inside. She told him flat out no. He then leaned over and put his arms around her and wouldn’t let her go. That’s when she scratched his face. When she saw that he was bleeding and screaming in pain, she jumped out of the car, ran a few blocks, and called a taxi.
A few hours later, there was a knock on her family’s door from the police. They came to arrest her for assault. This was in the middle of the night. Her father got a lawyer the next morning, and then this chayahoffered a deal through his lawyer that if she signed a contract that she wouldn’t say anything bad about him, he would drop the charges. Otherwise, he would make sure she went to jail and would never find a shidduch again.
Her rav got involved and said she should sign the contract and forget about what happened. Her shadchantold the boy’s shadchan, who didn’t believe the story. Meanwhile, the boy was going around telling everyone that the girl was promiscuous and crazy, and she made a pass at him and he had to fight her off.
My kallah did not want to go on any more dates until recently when she met me through her friend. She also refused to go to an singles’ events because her attacker is allowed in even though shadchanim know what he does. He has a reputation for forcefully making passes at girls on dates. I’m writing to you because my kallah is still suffering from what happened back then. She told me she knows of frum girls that suffered worse.
So, I decided to do something about it. I contacted the boy’s rav and he said, “You don’t really know the whole story and why was she not the one with the scratches, and I hear she’s not such a tzenuah.”
Rabbis only care about protecting these boys and their reputations and don’t really care about the girls. It’s like a locker room thing. The whole situation is so disgusting. Please warn the girls before they go on dates to never get in a car or be alone with a guy until she knows him well.
Response
You have no idea how lucky your kallah was that night. I have received letters at the Dating Forum that recounted even worse situations, rachmana litzlan. The biggest problem we are facing in the frum community is not the few perverts that roam around the shidduch scene; the true problem are the ones protecting them.
What your kallah went through is sickening. However, it is not an isolated story. It’s an entire culture. I personally know of cases where a frum victim has accused a frum man of inappropriate conduct and the community leader behaved like boys in a locker room, cheering on their star player no matter how serious the charges. Then they brush off the woman’s trauma as if it’s an exaggeration or a “misunderstanding.”
The pattern is always the same. A frum woman survives something horrifying. She is scared, shaken, and alone. The man runs to his connections: his rebbe, his lawyer, the shadchan who “knows his family,” and suddenly, he’s the victim and she’s the problem. And instead of rabbanim protecting the woman, they circle the wagons around the boy, like teammates defending their favorite quarterback from bad press.
Your kallah did everything right. She protected herself when he crossed a dangerous line. And for that, she was punished—by him, by the police, and by the “leadership,” who pressured her into silence instead of standing up for her. The fact that his rav said, “You don’t know the whole story… why wasn’t she the one with the scratches?” is beyond the pale. That’s not Torah. That’s not halacha. That’s not da’as Torah. That’s immaturity and power-protection dressed up as authority.
Young ladies are taught to be tzniyus, refined, respectful, and trusting. Men are taught that their reputation must be preserved at all costs, even if it means rewriting the entire story and destroying a woman in the process. That must stop.
Baruch Hashem, your kallah found someone who believes in her, supports her, and understands the depth of her pain. Many women don’t get that second chance. And yes, I will warn young ladies. I already do. Not because frum dating must be protected, but because too many people in positions of authority protect predators instead of the young women. Please tell your kallah she’s brave, she’s believed, and she’s not alone.
Every so often, a story surfaces that forces us to confront an uncomfortable truth about our community, one that many wish to ignore. Recently, a group of rabbis appealed on behalf of a felon who is serving a sentence for abusing a minor girl. When have we seen such proactive measures on behalf of a victim?
As much as my heart goes out to your kallah for the harrowing ordeal she endured, I also fear future repercussions. The pervert filed a complaint, accusing her of attacking him unprovoked. Shortly thereafter, through a lawyer, he offered her a “deal” that if she signed a contract never to speak negatively about him, he would drop the charges. If not, he threatened to ensure she was jailed. In his words, she would “never find a shidduch again.” Basically, this contract that you talk about is really a gag agreement known in legal terms as a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA). This is not merely cruel; it is a calculated weaponization of a broken system that privileges the reputations of men over the safety of women.
I must warn you that reaching out to his rabbi, may have potentially opened her up to a lawsuit. Anyone that goes to the trouble of hiring an attorney to coerce his victim to sign an NDA is someone who is super careful to protect his reputation. As you said, there are other victims out there, and the last thing he wants is for someone else to come forward. I don’t mean to scare you or your kallah, but depending on the verbiage of the NDA, she could be sued for breach of contract by reaching out to his rav. I urge you to reach out to an attorney to discuss this matter and figure out some sort of damage control.
Your kallah’s experience highlights a deeply embedded structural issue: when allegations arise, there is a reflexive instinct among many rabbanim to protect the men. Reputation takes precedence over truth. Image over integrity. Silence over justice. It’s treating the entire situation as a threat to the brotherhood rather than a moral crisis demanding intervention. It is certainly not the standard that Bnos Yisrael deserve.
Frum women who call out or defend themselves against predatory behavior are often painted as aggressive, immodest, and vengeful. They are warned not to “ruin the man’s future,” even when he has attempted to ruin theirs. Meanwhile, these men who cross boundaries are treated as misguided victims who are suffering from their female accusers. They receive all the sympathy. This culture forces women to carry the shame of their attack and fear the consequences of reporting the wrongdoing. It’s a culture that tacitly instructs them to remain silent and then faults them for doing exactly that.
Your kallah went years without dating because she feared encountering the same situation again, being disbelieved and ostracized by the leaders in the community. You deserve applause. Your outrage and determination to speak out on her behalf is a breath of fresh air. You recognize that the system is skewed not because of a single bad actor, but because of an entire infrastructure of silence, complicity, and misplaced loyalty.
It’s time for our rabbinic leadership to shed the “locker-room defense” mentality. Preserving a young man’s reputation cannot supersede the safety, dignity, and emotional wellbeing of a bas Yisrael. We need transparent protocols for reporting misconduct and rabbinic training on trauma. And most importantly, we need a community that protects women, not predators. And certainly, victims should never be bullied into silence. The cost of inaction is measured in shattered trust, broken spirits, and young women suffering in silence. We must recognize that the integrity of our entire community depends on our willingness to confront the truth. The stakes are far too high for anything less. Finally, rabbanim and community figures must be willing to respond to allegations with seriousness, not skepticism; responsibility, not deflection; and integrity, not image management.
Your kallah survived something that could have derailed her life. She found safety, trust, and partnership with you. That alone is a triumph. But her story should not end there. It should be one more piece of evidence pushing our community to confront the uncomfortable reality that the shidduch world is not merely navigationally challenging: it can be dangerous for women when leadership prioritizes reputation over protection. Your letter is a reminder of what is at stake for our daughters. It is also a challenge to our rabbanim and shadchanim: leadership is not measured by whom they protect, but by what they choose to confront. Thank you again for speaking up. Your kallah, and many others, deserves nothing less. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
