DATING FORUM

Question

Chanukah is coming and I’m dreading it for a few reasons. For a divorced woman, it’s a real challenge to go to Chanukah parties and enjoy the lavish food while people comment on my weight and what diet I should try, etc.

Chanukah is a time for family gatherings, parties, and great food! I love latkes, but I love Shabbat Chanukah dinner even more. Digging into a chicken roast, potatoes, or some stew is the nicest thing and I look forward to all the food. I came to enjoy the holiday, my family, the food, and company, and to give the kids candy, not to have a stranger assess my personal circumstances and weight.

Going to a family for the holiday can be tricky if there are other guests, particularly impolite ones who ask me why I’m divorced. Typically, they ask me why I’m not married and what happened in my previous marriage. I usually give this person a look that tells him to leave me alone. I came to the party to enjoy the food and celebrate the holiday with family and friends—not to have some stranger assess my weight and personal circumstances.

Response

Thank you for your letter that comes across with equal parts honesty and frustration mixed in with some much-needed humor. You describe a scenario that many divorced women know too well: holiday gatherings where the latkes are hot, the jelly doughnuts are fresh, and the personal questions that come out are hotter than the frying pan!

Chanukah is meant to be a beautiful holiday celebrating Bnei Yisrael’s miracles with warmth, light, and food, yet for divorced women, it can also become a season of intrusive questions, with unsolicited diet comments and shidduch suggestions that feel more like an afterthought than a genuine attempt to understand who you are.

Let’s start with this: there is absolutely no reason for anyone to judge a person based on her weight. Weight does not define a human being. Nor are thin women more likely to find a find a shidduch faster than their non-thin counterparts. The frum community is filled with thin women who are still single, whether never married or previously married. The problem isn’t your status, your appearance, or your plate of food. The problem is the social script people follow without thinking. Many guests at holiday gatherings panic in silence gaps and reach for the worst possible small talk: your divorce, your weight, your “future plans,” or someone they are sure is “perfect” for you.

You do not owe anyone your story. Your boundaries are yours to protect. It is not just divorced women, but women in general face a combination of intrusive questions, food policing, and tone-deaf matchmaking, especially around the holidays when everyone seems to forget they’re not the “ethics police,” the nutrition department, or the Department of Personal History Investigations. When people ask you why you got divorced, they typically do so in a matter-of-fact way, as if they’re asking whether you like your latkes with apple sauce or sour cream. In many cases, it has nothing to do with curiosity, but social awkwardness combined and a lack of proper boundaries.

You wrote warmly (and quite beautifully): “Chanukah is a time for family gatherings, parties, and great food! I love latkes, but I love Shabbat Chanukah dinner even more. Digging into a chicken roast, potatoes, or some stew is the nicest thing and I look forward to all the food.” And finally, the real heart of your message: “I came to enjoy the holiday, my family, the food, and company, and to give the kids candy, not to have a stranger assess my personal circumstances and weight.”

It’s interesting that you chose to include your frustration about shadchanim in the same vein as your annoyance with people’s comments about the food you consume or your status as a divorced woman. You wrote that in the beginning of your letter, and you concluded that way as well. I get where you are coming from, that holidays which are supposed to bring you joy, yet don’t, will also bring out other buried pain.

Let’s clarify a few things: First, a holiday gathering is not a courtroom, and you are not obligated to explain your divorce to anyone with a plate of sufganiyot in their hand. A simple, firm line such as: “I don’t discuss personal matters at parties, but thank you for understanding,” is more than enough. If they persist, smile, refill your plate (yes, give them something else to talk about!), and walk away. Second, food “policing” is rude, intrusive, and entirely unnecessary. The only thing someone should comment on regarding food during Chanukah is how crispy the latkes are, or how sweet, and tasty the doughnuts are. Anyone criticizing your plate is announcing their own insecurity, and that is not your issue.

And third, as for the shadchanim who match by “category” instead of by compatibility (i.e., overweight people with overweight people, etc.), feel free to advocate for yourself. Tell them clearly what you’re looking for. You are allowed and encouraged to expect matches based on what you’re looking for, not on their assumptions. One of the things that irks me about some shadchanim is when they wrongly assume that weight needs to be matched with equal weight, hashkafa with same hashkafa, family finances with equal family finances. What gives me the biggest laugh is when they assume a particular person is quiet, and they think that he or she needs to be matched with a quiet person. Meanwhile, the one they assume is quiet is oftentimes quite outgoing around their friends.

I will also add that behavior at shul kiddushim frequently demonstrates the middos of an individual. That is the easiest way to ascertain self-centeredness. The guy who hogs the kiddush table and doesn’t move aside to give another person a chance to partake of the food, or who eats over the spread of food, (causing an unhygienic atmosphere), or who sticks his used fork into a platter to take more food is doing a great job of showing everyone exactly who he is.

You have the right to celebrate Chanukah by enjoying the lights, your family, the food, the warmth, and to just be a person at a party, not a story, not a statistic, and certainly not a conversation starter.

In conclusion: You are right. Chanukah is for joy, for warmth, for family, and for food. Not for interrogations. Not for judgment. Not for diet advice or marital postmortems. Protect your boundaries. Eat what you love. Enjoy the lights. And when someone crosses a line, give them the look you described, the one that says, “I’m here to celebrate, not defend my life story.” Because you deserve to enjoy the holiday without being assessed, questioned, or categorized. And that, my dear, will be the start of your Chanukah miracle! n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].