DATING FORUM

Question

Why do shadchanim always tell the girls to keep dating a good guy even if the girl feels no attraction for him? But when a guy tells a shadchan he’s not attracted to a girl, they understand. I tried listening to my shadchan’s advice about going out with a guy even though I felt no attraction for him (and I dreaded each date). I want to feel excited before going on a date. I want to look forward to it. Is that so wrong? I feel like there’s a double standard out there where it’s okay for a guy to not be attracted to a girl, but if a girl’s not attracted to a guy, she’s called picky and immature.

What’s your take on this?

Response

What you’re describing is not petty, shallow, or immature. It’s deeply human—and you’re absolutely right to name it for what it feels like: a double standard. The fact that you tried to “do the right thing,” so to speak, taking the advice of shadchanim, by pushing yourself forward despite an absence of attraction, and found yourself dreading each date tells me something important. Your heart and your soul were already giving you the information, even while the outside voices were telling you to ignore it.

Let’s slow down and look at it honestly. The double standard is real, and it has a history. For generations, girls were taught that attraction was optional, even suspect, when expressed as a priority. They were told that what matters is that he’s “a good boy,” “has good middos,” or “comes from a good family.” All of these things do matter, but they were presented as substitutes for need rather than partners who seek the same for mutual compatibility.

Guys, on the other hand, were respectfully granted permission to say, “I’m just not attracted,” and that was treated as self-evident and final. No lectures. No pushing. No suggestions to “give it five more dates.” No reminders that “attraction grows.” Their instincts were trusted. Girls, on the other hand, were taught to ignore their instincts. This didn’t happen because shadchanim were bad or malicious; it happened because many of them absorbed an old belief system, that men get to choose and women have to adjust. Men need attraction, and women need security.

But here’s the truth: marriage where only one person feels drawn, alive, and excited is not a recipe for shalom bayis—it’s a recipe for quiet resentment. “Attraction grows” is sometimes true, and sometimes deeply harmful. Yes, attraction can grow. It often does. Especially when there are additional factors such as emotional safety, kindness, shared values, and warmth. That part isn’t a lie. But what gets left out is the other half of the truth: Attraction does not grow when your nervous system is already saying “no.”

Here is what I was reading. You didn’t say you felt neutral. You didn’t say you felt unsure. You said you “dreaded” the dates. That is a serious description of how you felt. Dread is not the soil where attraction grows. Dread is your inner-self bracing for something it doesn’t want. When someone tells you to keep going out under those circumstances, what they’re asking for you to do is disconnect from yourself, and that’s not a small ask. That’s training yourself for emotional self-abandonment. And self-abandonment is not a Jewish value.

Wanting to look forward to and feel excited about an upcoming date is not frivolous. Somehow, girls are made to feel embarrassed for wanting to look forward to a date, as if excitement is childish and seriousness is virtuous.

It is possible that many people don’t understand what a young lady means when she says she wants to feel excited about a guy she is dating. I get where you come from. To you and other young ladies, excitement doesn’t mean fireworks, obsession, or fantasy. It means: You’re curious about getting to know him, and so you want to see him and you feel that pull. It’s that exciting feeling about being happy to choose an outfit in anticipation of the date and taking pleasure in getting dressed to go. More important, you are not forcing yourself to go on the date, and you are certainly not doing it begrudgingly just so as not to offend the shadchanor have him or her think less of you. That’s not shallow. That’s chemistry meeting dignity.

Marriage is not just about choosing someone who checks off the boxes; it’s about choosing someone whose presence you want. Someone whose voice doesn’t make you tense. Someone whose nearness doesn’t feel like a burden you must stoically bear.

It’s a fact that shadchanim typically do push girls harder. Why is that? Here’s the uncomfortable part. Many shadchanim are operating with scarcity thinking when it comes to young women, especially as they get older (whatever that means in a particular hashkafic circle). There’s a quiet panic underneath the advice: “What if this is her best option?” or “What if she’s being too picky?” or “What if she ends up alone, chas v’shalom?” So, instead of sitting with your lived experience, they push you to override it “for your own good.” Meanwhile, when a guy says no, it’s assumed he has options and clarity. But fear-driven advice often leads people away from good marriages, not toward them.

Here’s the thing. Your experience matters more than their theories. You tried their approach. You didn’t reject it out of hand. You acted in good faith. Yet, your inner response was clear: dread, resistance, emotional shutdown. That data matters.

Dating is not an intellectual exercise. It’s not a résumé match. It’s not a communal project where your feelings are secondary. It’s the process by which you will choose the person with whom you will live and also struggle at times. It’s the process by which you will find the person to build, iy’H, a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael and grow old with. If you cannot feel a spark of appeal to be there at the dating stage—when everyone is on their best behavior—that’s not something you can “power through.

In light of this dilemma in the world of shidduch dating, what can a young lady do? It calls for a reframing that is both honest and mature. Here’s a healthier standard, one that applies equally to men and women: You don’t need to feel swept away. That’s a fairy tale. No, you don’t need to feel your heart racing, because that would be indicative of anxiety and feeling that you’re not emotionally safe. You don’t need to feel an obsession about the guy, as that is common when you are insecure about where you stand with him. You don’t need immediate certainty or complete clarity either. Dating is a work in progress. It’s about getting to know someone in a relaxed atmosphere and the joy of discovering mutual compatibility.

But you do need a sense of openness rather than dread. And yes, absolutely yes, you need some level of attraction, even if quiet. There needs to be that feeling that continuing to see him feels natural, not forced. Anything less is not being “immature.” It’s disconnecting. And that is also an unhealthy response to dating.

You are not wrong for wanting to feel excited about going out with someone. Imagine if a female acquaintance asked you to join her on an outing, and you do not feel like going, yet you agree because of some sort of obligation you have towards somebody she’s connected to. Turning the tables on that scenario, suppose someone you admire and whose company you enjoy invited you to that same outing, you would undoubtedly be excited about it. Your reaction to each of those circumstances would be different, and for very good reason.

As a shadchan, I find it extremely frustrating when I keep hearing how young ladies are belittled for declining a guy because they feel no attraction for him. And when I hear that young ladies feel coerced to date a guy against their better judgement, it really makes me mad. Please remember that you’re not a difficult shidduchcase for listening to your gut. You’re not being ungrateful for saying, “This guy isn’t for me. The right person will not require you to override your instincts to choose him. Any system—shidduch or otherwise—that demands one party to silence their inner truth while validating the other party’s instincts deserves to be questioned. From what you’re writing in your letter, you’re not rejecting good men. You’re refusing a version of marriage where you disappear. And that, my friend, is wisdom, not immaturity. n

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].